Meteoric (horror/death metal band WIP) (5/8 Chapters, 68k words)

[Eiwynn]

I closed the thread, @Samuel_H_Young

[Samuel_H_Young]

I’ve been feeling down lately, but in the past few days, I’ve had a big surge of writing inspiration. Probably all the R.L Stine I’ve been reading/watching.

Update:
I posted Chapter Five to the beta; it’s 11k words, bringing the total word count to 68k. In this chapter, you have to get your mic back from Larry before you go on tour. You can potentially see some first lyrics, but they’re actually Larry’s. The lyrics for your four song options will be in Chapter Six, but here they are for your pleasure, in order of aggressive, groovy, intricate, and atmospheric:

Summary

I caught a pedophile politician, took him from his hive
Chemical castration is his consequence, then he dies
I rounded up every politician who ever bombed foreign children
Took a mallet, and with hundreds of blows, I caved their heads in
I asked cops why they don’t protect us from ecocide or genocide
One said he was just doing his job so I put a bullet in between his eyes
I sacrifice hundreds of evil politicians to free their billions of ghostly victims
I kill…I kill…I kill…evil politicians

Summary

Every day is the same, existing as an automaton
I called my best friend, but they’re dead and gone
Breaking my back for scraps, wondering if I’ll someday be free
Saw thousands of dead children on the news today, hell is reality
Watching the same movies til my eyes ooze out of their sockets
Hiding bottles of alcohol and razor blades in my pockets
To drown the black hole in my chest from connections I never had
A social species fragmented into a trillion pieces, isn’t it sad?

Summary

Bulldozers reduce ancient forests to splinters, countless species vanish
Incalculable amounts of sewage and pollution create a cemetery ocean
CAFOs continue to spread like mold, punishing ecosystems and communities with manure lagoons
Cops, who scramble after the immortal specter of individual civilian crime, turn a blind eye
The planet is burning and drowning, and by endless invasive wars, millions of innocents die
And we are simply expected to accept this as a normal way of fucking life
Critical thinking smashes indoctrination, propaganda, and societal lies
But for now it’s manufactured consent to planetary suicide

Summary

Recounts of oral tales in ancient scrolls, a dozen times translated
Cannot be naturally believed, but must be forcibly proliferated and dictated
Medieval superstitions require their constant diet of sacrificial goats
Hateful morals cherry picked and wielded as cudgels against convenient scapegoats
Cultural variety and scientific progress smashed under the principle of religious homogeneity
Morally repugnant myths a thousand times disproved, I don’t believe in your fucking deity
There’s a pounding at the back of the door, glass explodes through the window
The mob grabs the scientist, dragging them by the hair to be hung from a willow

[expectedoperator]

Great chapter! I loved the return of Effie and how the MC’s conflict with her is now different because the MC is in a different place in their life. And after those callbacks, I liked that the severance package plot line has a good ending, even if the MC doesn’t need the money now. I enjoyed being able to choose multiple stops on the tour, and how each option further explored all the band members’ personalities even as it was developing the MC’s characterization. I also liked the descriptions and details of the different places we can visit, especially the geyser field option.

I do think the timeline is a little confusing, though – at the start of the scene with Effie it says it’s days later after the studio scene, but there’s other lines that state it’s been a week, while the production of the band’s single and their success would suggest a little more time than that. I also thought that after their separation, there should have been a small scene with Kanibor – perhaps before the Effie scene so there’s a pause before the time jump. By the way, was it ever explained why the microphone only works for the MC?

Typos

"Don’t touch anything or I kill you, but be yourself and have fun.
“I” should be “I’ll”

That gigantic advance is sitting in your bank account, haven already wiped out your rent debt easily.
“haven” should be “having”

Looking forward to chapter six!

[Samuel_H_Young]

@expectedoperator Great feedback. I’ll fix those typos and try to tidy up the timeline a little. I also was already thinking I needed another choice with Kanibor in there so I’ll start thinking of what I’d like to do there.

As far as why the mic only works for you: Kanibor could work with others as well, but that could get very complicated for him