Mass Mother Murderer [Teaser, 3k words]

nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice
young-adult-fiction

#142

@Samuel_H_Young Demo thoughts, since I’ve finally found time:

Your choice to open right up with our mother pursuing us right under the house into the damp, dark crawlspace, covered in filth and her mind consumed with rage as she shows no hesitation following directly in and catching us was a genius idea. Remarkably at the first paragraph, I was immersed; even not knowing the info you previously gave us, it still would have been the same, too. Your writing was paced perfectly and you spared no moment in making us wonder what the hell is going on and pulling us right into the world. Shit, I already hated her when she first started simply yelling my character’s name; you convey well right away that she is one nasty woman (for the lack of a better term).

And then there’s the flashfoward to present day, where we make an actual attempt on her admittedly-pathetic life. This scene was extremely well written, as, since I was so immersed due to that tense and awesome opening, I was literally having basically the same thoughts as my character while the scene itself rolled along and I awaited what the obvious reason was we were there to unfold. The choices themselves when we do make that attempt were surprisingly well varied, also. I personally think snapping her neck is too quick a death to give her, so for a bit I debated with myself over choking her or beating her with the tankard. At first I decided upon option A, but after reading your description for choking her, it made me repeat that debate. I still prefer using the tankard, as it is both brutal and the most poetic in my opinion, but you succeeded heavily in making us really think like what we are to become in-game: a killer. Splendid job, Sam.

So, yeah. I thoroughly enjoyed this demo. Cheers, mate! Can’t wait for more.

Edit: One more thing: having us fail at first simply added to that hatred for our mother. Our character’s physical reaction to that drives our goal home and sets up just how broken she has made us/them.


#143

Thanks so much, @ArchangelVoldemort! This mini review was great to read because it seems I accomplished all the things I was going for, at least with you. :slight_smile:


#144

Can poisoning be a murder method?


#145

If the MC wanted to kill their mother with poison or other, stealthier means, they already could have. But they want to do it in a more personal, hands-on approach so it’s more satisfying.


#146

What about flaying her?


#147

Now you’ve got the idea. XD


#148

Can we torture her with our magic abilities?


#149

Yep! Though I still have yet to determine what those are, haha.


#150

Well if we have elemental powers there are so many things that could be done!


#151

I’d personally like to see something more unique, like actual dark magic: curses, paralyzation, frightening illusions, possessing animals/objects, deforming own appearance to look horrifying, enchanting our chosen weapons with affliction, etc etc.

Edit: Or maybe even a Drain Vitality spell that weakens and actually ages victims to the point where they’re literally vulnerable to everything.


#152

Yeah, I was thinking of more necromantic and dark abilities like that which would fit especially well with the atmosphere of the story.


#153

Can we still favor melee, though? I’d like to see a balance, honestly, between magic/weapons/hands, in terms of choices.


#154

Of course! In The Magician’s Burden and The Enchanter’s Misery, you’re a low level magic wielder with very limited mana, so most of the time you have to rely on your attributes, skills, and knowledge to accomplish your goals. It will be the same case here.


#155

Good to hear! (plus 20)


#156

This reminds me of a film that is coming out later this year, “The House That Jack Built”. The protagonist is a serial killer himself and its supposed to be very brutal and a “celebration of the idea that life is evil and soulless”. Not sure how similar your story and this movie will be by the time their both finished but I thought it was a nice coincidence.


#157

Don’t play me like this. Don’t post this appeasing as hell teaser, only for me to wait until December to get another update​:sob::sob::sob::sob:


#158

Ooo, psychological horror. My favorite. I’ll definitely be checking that movie out when it’s released.

@SenorBurrito
It won’t take that long. :stuck_out_tongue: I’ll be releasing Chapter 1 sometime in June, probably.


#159

Man I love evil MCs!!! :smiling_imp::smiling_imp::smiling_imp:


#160

Just in case anyone’s interested:

Psychopath: cruel, sadistic, incapable of morality, violent

Sociopath: deceitful, conniving, very twisted sense of morality, but still capable of love and remorse to some extent; usually anti-social, and can be violent, but isn’t necessarily

So the MC would be a true psychopath with a lot of sociopathic qualities (minus, obviously, the morality.)

The MC’s mother is a sociopath. Although cruel, insane, and manipulative, she is also capable of many emotions that the MC is not capable of, such as love, remorse, and empathy. For example, she loved Efastia, and is an alcoholic as a way of trying to cope with all the terrible things she’s done. On the other hand, the MC would never lose a wink of sleep over anything they’ve done, unless it was to revel in those things.


#161

You remind me of Ramsay Bolton lol. Speaking of him, could you feed your mom to the dogs?
I wonder if the MC would be as crazy as Ramsay was