Mass Mother Murderer [8/14 Chapters, 106k words]

young-adult-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice

#910

Yeah, TMB is an underdog story and MMM is a power fantasy. The serial killer will basically be the most powerful character throughout the series.


#911

I see. This might sound vain but I’ve always ranked hair high on my attraction list. Although to me, shaved sides is still hot. That’s why I took note of it. Regardless of my weird kinks, this is definitely a good story. I’m torn with how it might end. I know it won’t end well😢


#912

It definitely won’t end well, but for whom? :wink:

Also, I feel like @TotallyNotACop is mounting evidence so he can arrest me. :grimacing:


#913

Found some errors whilst reading the story:
MMM%20snip%201

The word “hardly” shouldn’t be there (next to “at all”) - “hardly” should be removed. Found on first page of Chapter 1.

MMM%20snip%202

The word ‘eyeing’ would look better here instead of “eying” though this may be because I’m used to British English and not American English. Found when seeing old Edina.

MMM%20snip%203

The word “back” breaks the flow of the sentence as it is repeated just after. In this sentence the word is redundant. Found when stealing Edina’s old clothes.

MMM%20snip%205

Should be “we’re going to the infirmary.” not “we’re going to do the infirmary.” (the word “do” shouldn’t be there). Found after telepathically talking to the 3rd suspect (chapter 5).

I didn’t comb through the game so I know that I missed errors. I only read the first few pages of the beginning, the end of chapter 5, all of chapter 6 and the rest I skipped (as I have read it before).

The story so far is a decent one, I enjoy the descriptions you use, of both people and emotions, though I must admit that your writing style isn’t really my thing. Whilst your descriptions are colourful and vivid I find that the characters can be a bit one dimensional and lack real depth. As well as this I find that some descriptions or moments can be spoiled by the use of swears which have the ability to both take and give (in terms of the quality of the description) and due to the fact that they are used as often as they are they lose their effectiveness (their metaphorical “kick”) and become placeholders for other words or just become redundant.

TL;DR
Descriptions are lively though characters fit into tropes.

Don’t be disheartened though, I’m not saying this to be demeaning but to instead help you with the story and with writing. I’m writing this to be helpful and constructive and am not trying to be overly negative.

On another note, I believe that it would be good to have more apathetic choices for I don’t believe that a psychopathic MC would have a constant, burning hatred for everything, which is what I picked up from the choices. Just a suggestion though.

Good luck with the story.


#914

Perhaps…


#915

well, the MC isn’t an average ‘psychopath’, his treatment by his mother made him even worst IMO, i mean, it can drive him to such a rage / boredom that he self harm in one of the scene


#916

Thanks, I’ll fix those errors.

In real life, people swear even more than they do in this story, and I swear like a sailor myself. The level of profanity in this story might not be to some people’s taste, but I’m not particularly worried with how effective or ineffective it might be, as I don’t view it as something that needs to be used in moderation.

You’re right that a lot of psychopaths and sociopaths are more detached and cold than this MC, who is generally more vindictive and hateful. But, that’s a conscious decision I made based on their backstory and the fact that I struggle with explosive anger myself.

That said, I do agree that apathetic choices are important, too. I did put some here and there, but I could always go back and consider putting in a couple more.

As for characters being one dimensional, I’m not sure I agree, but of course the readers’ view is very important. Keep in mind, though, that we’re 84k words into a 300k word story, so there’s plenty of time for different facets of the characters to emerge more.


#917

i agree on the swearing thing, people are always weirdly polite in most story i read, it feel weird sometime


#918


#919

when you try to impress her :


#920

Wow, I just finished the demo and… this is a journey. The very first scene with the mother chasing us chilled me to the bone. And I love how much of a smartass the MC can be.

Amazing read!


#936

I mean i have nothing against incest but it just sound kinda of not in line with the story, unless we are going very dark type of incest since the only living relative is the mother and we know how they feel about each other

also it’s kind of a out of the blue demand IMO

BTW, wincest in a serial killer story ? you don’t know what that word mean apparently.


#938

I am closing this topic temporarily as this conversation is getting out of hand. When it reopens, please do not continue this line of conversation, as it is not appropriate for this thread.


#939

This topic was automatically opened after 29 hours.


#940

Aaand the resident serial killer thread is back in business. :smiling_imp:


#941

weird that it took 29 hours, that’s a pretty arbitrary lock time


#942

Uhhh, Zac Efron is gonna act Ted Bundy in the upcoming movie, Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile. :sweat_drops::sweat_drops::sweat_drops::heart_eyes::heart_eyes::heart_eyes::raised_hands::raised_hands::raised_hands:


#943

Zac Efron ? he is an american has been boys band guy or something, right ? or it’s the guy in hight school musical ?


#944

Yeah, he’s from High School Musical but he’s also in The Greatest Showman which was amazing. Plus, he’s got a pretty striking resemblance to Bundy, just hotter. :joy:


#945

So question, why do the guards in your world use sabers?