Mass Mother Murderer [4/15 Chapters, 55k words]

young-adult-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice

#625

Take all the time you need.


#626

@Shawnheatherly and @Alucard_of_Mordhaven
Thank you for your support. I’m still fucked up over it but I visited my mom in the hospital today and she’s doing better. She’ll be in the hospital for a few more days but things seem okay-ish for now.

I was so pissed about what happened that I bowled 13 games in a row until my thumb got all cut up and bloody.


#627

I hope she makes a smooth recovery and wish you and your family all the best.


#628

At least you got it out and she’s mostly fine. Just keep your chin up, mate. Life gets to people sometimes. Glad to hear the good news.


#629

Well, I’m back to writing sooner than I expected, mostly because I need something to distract myself with.

I work at a movie theater, and today I had an 8 hour shift in the box office. I grabbed a few pieces of paper and wrote a bit here and there when I didn’t have any customers or anything much to do. I ended up writing 1k words. :face_with_hand_over_mouth::shushing_face:


#630

Hey, we all need to escape sometimes. Just goes to show how much writing can help, how powerful it is, as an outlet.


#632

@Samuel_H_Young
Spelling error in chapter 2.

You notice that Garad is covered in tomatoe juice from helping the vendor.

Tomato


#633

Meh. Tomatoe, tomato. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:


#634

Pre-Read: I like your stuff S.H YoungBlood, so I’m going to give it a try. 36k words(including code and other branches)? I’ll finish my run in five minutes.


#635

Is there a story specific reason why the pre set female mc name is Maggie (and not starting with an ‘E’)? I just thought that with Edina and Efastia, a name like Eva or Esther - okay, so they totally don’t sound serial killerish - would rhyme.

And I like how you included psychological torture in addition to just physical, as icky as writing that made me. It’s realistic cause Edina’s abuse also messed up the mc psychologically.


#636

Already present in the game with more planned.


#637

That’s actually a good idea. I like Esther anyways, and it also fits since the male pre set is Edmun.

I’m glad you appreciate it! I plan on doing a good mix of psychological and physical torture throughout.


#638
My Adventure into madness

Weird phrasing, usually “This is X because of Y” phrases are followed by the reason of X not Y, slightly detached me.

I have to respect that in-game warning, that we are a prick. Do you fuckin’ see these sliders? You must have had a rapist or an manipulative demon as a father, to have these stats.

No hair choices? Sad. -Donald J. Trump

That “Still” feels much smoother as an and, along with a “but” before “there”. (See what I did?)

Kinda obvious to the reader who the scapegoat is going to be, needs more subtly, like “You hear two men arguing down the road, but you don’t care for the villagers’ inane debates.”

Not sure if I missed a time skip, but two days, that’s a bit queer for “some time”.

What’s with all the fucks in this game, classical fantasy uses bloody, but I guess this isn’t a classical fantasy…

She repeats herself, twice, I find the use of “like” in this sentence, simple.

Conclusion: I like this.


#639

I’ll have a look at these edits.

I’m glad you liked it!

EDIT:

Oh, and btw, two days is the correct amount of time that Margo has been missing at that point in the story, since you had been searching for a day and she went missing a full day before that.


#640

So, I’ve written about 8k for Chapter 4, but I’m having some writer’s block on it. Instead of banging my head against it and moving along with it at a snail’s pace, I’ve decided to skip ahead to writing Chapter 5 for now. So far it has 6k. Here’s a little excerpt from it that I think you all might find interesting:

#Jabbing a finger over towards her bloodied corpse, you growl, “See that? Her fate was a mercy, a blessing compared to what I have in store for you.”
*set intimidation +2
(+2 Intimidation)
*line_break
He blinks hard and a set of tears streak down his face as he stares at you in horror, his mouth agape. “A blessing? What the hell did I ever do to you? And what can you possibly do that’s worse than…” His throat visibly clenches up and he glances at Margo’s corpse with a shiver before finally adding, “That.”

You bark out a mirthless laugh and give him a firm pat on the cheek, hard enough to make a sharp noise and cause him to flinch. “Oh, you naive, foolish little thing,” you reply with an evil grin, shaking your head as if in disappointment. “I’m capable of much, much more than that, and that’s something you’ll soon be finding out for yourself. I killed and tortured you once, mother, but I have an unquenchable thirst for more, and I’m just getting started.”

Werner shuts his mouth into a hard line, clenching his jaw and shaking his head furiously as more tears spill down his face. Eventually, he manages to croak out, “You don’t even belong in Lume. You belong in the Netherworld.” He lets out a sob and adds, “No, you just belong in the ground.”

Your expression hardening, you step forward and roughly grab his chin, pulling him closer and forcing him to look into your eyes. “I belong on top of the world with your fucking head beneath my boot!” you roar, making spittle fly into his face.

You shove his face away and stomp a few feet back, gritting your teeth with anger. Even in a situation where you are in complete and utter control, your rage is still an insatiable flame, a beast inside of you that cannot be contained. You smirk. You love it.


#641

Something makes me think that MC likes it rough BDSM on both sides, I wonder how that works in fantasy, classic ropes?


#642

That’s an understatement. :grimacing:


#643

image
MonkaS


#644

Odeipal complex much? Considering the phrase “Horny men would call he pretty.” At 8 years old and in the making, lucking he wasn’t looking for that with Margo.


#645

What time is this meant to be set in? It seems vaguely medieval based with the swords and capes and guards instead of police and whatnot, but then there are notepads and pens and designated swimsuits. If the world is meant to be wildly anachronistic that’s fine, but you might want to make it a little more obvious because to me it’s a little confusing and distracting, and I have a hard time picturing the scenes. But maybe that’s just me.