Mass Mother Murderer [4/15 Chapters, 55k words]

gender-choice
young-adult-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive

#564

Damn, it was awesome, it really felt like being a bad guy, especialy the whole thing with being on the case and all, it really felt like being one of those twist bad guy who were part of the team / their superior and respected by the heroes


#565

The night wind chills the lone woman to the bone as she walks along the moonlit path of dirt, the leaves and grass rustling in her ears as the surrounding trees shake with an almost ghastly ease. ‘Where the fuck is the town,’ her wary mind wonders. Her patience was wearing thin, and it was becoming almost too dark. She kept on her journey regardless.

Snap.

A twig breaks somewhere behind the tiring traveler. Upon instinct, she turns, but her eyes, after scanning the immediate area, produce nothing. A sigh, a prolonged glance behind her, then she moves on. ‘Don’t start playing tricks on me, brain.’

Next comes the audible breathing. At least, what sounds to be. Heavy, yet calculated and muffled breaths behind her on the same side the twig broke-the woman freezes, back completely straightened up now. She focuses hard on the mostly-clear noise, then whips around when it still goes on, heart now thumping in her chest.

Nothing.

‘That couldn’t have been the wind.’ The thought is enough to make her left hand slowly begin to let the small, engraved dagger slip from the sleeve. Another twig seems to break, and the woman’s eyes dart from the path to the brush on her far left.

‘Slow breaths, clear mind, focused senses. Remember your training, Lara,’ she thinks.

But her stalker doesn’t care for trivial matters like fair combat.

The breathing is behind her now.

Standing hairs, trickling skin, and wide eyes as the woman known as Lara swipes her dagger horizontally in the air behind her as she whirls around with a warrior’s quickness.

All she hits is air, however. A blank, literally wooden face sends a wave of hot washing fear down her entire body as she stares into the two seemingly never ending, black, empty abysses that are the eyeholes. She can barely make out a minuscule glint in the right one that show an eye. A few seconds go by as Lara just stares. The breathing continues the same as her vision slowly picks up an eye behind the mask in the ethereal darkness.

A black, soulless orb. Devoid of care, empathy, or compassion. The longer she stares, the colder and harder the stranger’s stare becomes.

The orbs are filled with rage now, but it’s one she’s never even imagined before. A new kind. Anger in its purest form: black, unlimited, untamed, uncontrolled wrath. Unbound and free from the chains and shackles of a regular human soul.

“Wha-” is all Lara can muster before her trained instincts break her from her fearful state. She strikes first again, this time aiming her dagger downward as she steps forward with mock determination.

A hand seizes her weapon one, and the other forcefully grips her throat. The figure’s shoulders and chest rise and fall as the breathing becomes enraged now; all calculated prose in it now seemingly entirely absent.

Just anger. Just hate.

Lara is about to scream, before training her composure once more, avoiding any and all eye contact with that dreadful mask that will simply paralyze her once more. She brings a knee up to her attacker’s ribs as hard as her mind will allow.

Nothing. There’s no armor, no obvious protective muscle or fat she could feel beneath those black clothes; nothing. He had to have felt that. Wait…is it a he?

Lara’s eyes invuntarily climb back up to meet that artificial face once more.

They just stare into her. Those fucking eyes.

That fucking mask. It…looks like a woman’s face!

Another knee is brought up to the stranger’s groin this time. ‘Let’s see which one you are!’

Still nothing. Not even a mere grunt from behind that hollow, lifeless faceplate.

Lara’s adrenaline is lightening her head and clouding her thoughts at this point as she stares into the chest of the opposer.

“What…are…you?!”

The strong hands holding both her wrists still in the air begin to shake, both grips tightening. Significantly. The stranger simply and slowly tilts their head to one side, the breathing somehow subsided completely for some reason.

For a short while that seems an eternity, there’s just the silence and the stare as the two are unwillingly embraced in the moonlight.

Then there’s the scream. The lone cry lost in the invisible, inconceivable blackness of the night. The cry no one in the nearby town, Lara’s destination, will hear. The cry even the animals will have forgotten in the mercy of dawn.

The same cry the killer has heard so many times now.

Just like mother…


#566

Honestly i think it’s the best take on that whole ‘play the bad guy’ concept that i’v ever played

would be funny to have the character actualy accomplish all his objective just for a magical dooda to suddenly make him normal, that would fuck him up (kinda like Angel in Buffy after he got a soul) but that’s more a sequel kind of twist, the whole plot is already good as is


#567

Uh, I just busted a fatty reading that. O.o

All jokes aside, that was some very good writing. You could tell how skilled Lara was but it didn’t matter because the villain was too powerful and unshakable. Where’s YOUR WIP?

@Balrog_Demorgothe
Thanks! :grinning: I’ve got the outline for the sequel already planned and I think it’s something you all will like. But, first things first.


#568

Found quite a few typo’s, grammar might need a little polish in some paragraphs, the writing pace and coding is fine though. Great story by the way.


#569

Thanks, I’ll fix those. I’m not worried about polishing it up myself as far as typos go until right before I submit it to CoG, though I’m more than happy to fix any typos my testers point out. Right now I’m focusing on the actual writing.


#570

Then I’ll save the nitpicking for later. Good luck and have fun with your writing.


#571

But…but…that’s where you guys come in. :stuck_out_tongue:


#572

Hahaha, fair enough. :blush:


#573

An outstanding work.


#574

Thanks! I wrote that just before going to bed…is that bad?

Right here! :yum:

Edit: Where are my manners? Thank you as well! You inspired it, obviously!


#575

Meh, I do it all the time.

Touche!

:innocent:


#576

The only scene that i felt was below the rest was when you let the sister just drown, it didn’t really feel like the MC to be so …uncalculating ? it kinda felt weird but it probably can be explained by him being a kid back then

it could also just be me being biased, since the sister was cute and i’m somewhat ‘family is an exception’ when it come to bad guys (that’s what make the Sawyer family fascination in the chainsaw massacre IMO) so take it with a grain of salt.

and maybe having the specter talk wasn’t the best idea, it kinda ruined the ‘spectral’ aspect for him to just talk, that’s pretty much all i can nitpick

Could be cool to have a what if where the MC actualy save the sister and it has a butterfly effect that lead to him being somewhat less evil / a token evil teamate to the guards rather than the traitor in their midst (basicaly just doing what he was doing, minus the serial killing and maybe adding some more brutal with the ones he faces), with the sister as a morality chain (now that i think about it, my what if idea sound a lot like an anime, which could be appropriate given that Devero sound a lot like an anime protag and most of the supporting cast sound like an anime supporting cast)

hell, given the ammount of short fanfic i see in the threads related to that game, i might write the what if myself XD (you have a very imaginative fanbase it seems)


#577

I actually agree heavily here.


#578

The MC resented their sister, saw her drowning, and chose to let her die so they could be rid of her. Kids in general are notoriously short sighted, and this is doubly so for psychopaths; they have particular trouble with balancing short term benefits against future detriments. So it wasn’t until Edina even showed up that the MC realized they had fucked up.

Something that you need to realize is that the MC isn’t capable of love, empathy, or guilt. In MMM, they will never show an ounce of morality.

In my world, specters are like a mix between demons and ghosts. Specters have been in my games, Captive of Fortune and The Enchanter’s Misery, and they’ve always been capable of speech.

Thanks for your feedback, and I’m glad you found Efastia cute. :slight_smile:


#579

Yeah, as i said it could be explained by me being biased or him being a kid

yup, i got that, that’s why i said it could be a cool what if, i mean what’s the point of a what if if it isn’t to see how thing would be if stuff was different ?

I never heard of those games to be honest, so i wouldn’t know, i was just talking from an ‘atmosphere’ / ability point of view (also his text was bit too much like what the MC said in his mother’s head so it just gave me the impression both power were redundant)

well thanks for reading my feedback to begin with, a lot of author don’t bother XD

The Half Goblin and Devero were cute in their own way too and the mother’s character was cool, obviously for completly different reason

pretty sad that i actualy know peoples like the Mother


#581

I should have recalled this, as I’ve read all of your recent work.

How will the Diplomacy stat differ from Deception? There’s a scene where we can lie about retrieving a cake for our mother, but it increases Diplomacy.


#582

maybe deception is just not letting people see you’re a monster ?

while diplomacy is just not making them mad at you ?

that’s how it looked to me at least


#583

There are gonna be lots of choices throughout the story where the majority of or all of the options will involve lying, like when you got on Margo’s good side before abducting her. So, the deception stat mainly has to do with deception in its purest form: making a bold lie believable by having a calm and plain-faced delivery, while mixing some truth into whatever you’re saying to make it seem even more true.

Lying that you’re being kind to help make amends, however, would boost the other stat that it has to do with: diplomacy. Similarly, lying that you have feelings for Margo and being charming about it would boost the other stat that it employs: charisma.

So in that case, all three choices were deceptive, but especially when you have no choice about whether or not to do something, (like where if all choices need the use of magic or if all choices are lies) I choose to not effect that stat, whether it be mana or deception.


#584

On an unrelated note, I just stumbled across this shit on Youtube :joy: