Mass Mother Murderer [4/15 Chapters, 55k words]

gender-choice
young-adult-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive

#544

You might not have noticed, but the MC was the victim of abuse and neglect even before the death of the sister. Emotional abuse is still abuse.

Which means that if the sister had lived, the MC would still have ample reasons to want their mother dead.

And that’s even assuming that without the death of the sister, that the emotional abuse and neglect wouldn’t have escalated to physical abuse anyway.

Which, honestly, there’s absolutely no reason for that assumption.

From my angle over here, the sister’s death just serves as an excuse for the mother’s abuse.

I’m perfectly fine without giving child abuse an excuse.


#545

Perhaps I did miss something but I only recall the mother’s behavior before Efastia’s death to be cold and distant. It is only after the lake do we see her actually get violent. We see her transition from being resentful to outright hateful.


#546

I legit feel sick after going though the current build…
And yet the story is really intriguing and is pulling at me


#547

So, giving suggestions for minor changes and future considerations is productive. Harping over how I should change a major plot point and something that is so integral to the story that the literal summary/tagline of this book is “You didn’t kill your sister. You just watched her drown,” however, kind of just strikes me as unnecessary. I appreciate your view, but there’s literally a 0% chance that I’ll turn around and scrap half of the Mother’s motivations and Efastia’s death scene to replace them with some teenage drama.

If child abuse being present in the story is something that is a deal breaker for you as a reader, this story isn’t for you. It contains torture, murder, kidnapping, extreme psychological and physical abuse, and tons of other disturbing material.

@Terriermon50
Yeah, I feel gross after writing some of this stuff…and yet, I also feel more motivated to write than I have in a long time.


#548

I’ll be looking forward to the disturbing chapters


#549

What made Edina person she is, I wonder. There should be a story. Nonetheless, she just deserves what MC is going to do to her, really.


#550

Yeah, these ones were sooo light. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

@Langre
It’s alluded to throughout the story, but some of the reasons for her hatred of the MC are:

  • she was abused by their father
  • the MC is a psychopath
  • the MC let Efastia drown

#551

Huh? I didn’t pick up on that. I’ll have to do another run through. :upside_down_face:


#552

Precisely. I think it’s perfectly dark, tone-fitting, and integral as is. The MC is meant to be an unemotional monster. Typical children drama would simply downplay that and de-escalate the stakes already determined. Not to mention the negative effects it would have on the already-established tone.


#553

@Samuel_H_Young

How the Mind Whisper thing work in game.

Also what about adding option to try to save Emphasia and the realizing that if you dont let go you both drown.

As in Better Her than me Aproach from MC


#554

I feel like there’s not enough options for messing with Margo. I kinda wanted an option to comfort her just to play games with her. “Sh-sh-sh, no need to cry. Everything will be alright.” type stuff. Or if you’re a phantom mage you could even use the voices in her head to screw with her. Like, Calm down, I’m a friend and I’ll tell you how to get out of here, you just have to be patient, only for the voice to eventually lead her into another trap. Kinda the Ramsey Bolton approach to torture.


#555

I…actually am surprised I haven’t thought of that. That’s…actually really good. I support this.

No. Why do people want to save her? This isn’t a standard choice game. You’re playing a mentally deranged character. Who has no intention of saving anyone. Sorry if I sound rude; I just don’t understand the confusion.


#556

by saving her it would take longer for our mother to treat us as badly as she did after Emphasia’s death.


#557

But how would that affect anything? She’s always been a vile woman; if you’re willing to lock away your child for days, no matter the reason, you’re a shitty person inside.


#558

Damn, that’s a really good idea. I think I’ll use that for torturing Werner, instead, since there are already so many choices in Margo’s scene.

@CaesarCzech
There’s a choice in Chapter 3 that illustrates how that spell goes. (It requires phantom magic.)

And as Alucard said, that’s just not something the MC would ever do, especially since they already hated Efastia. I set your Callous and Avarice stats at 100% to emphasize this.


#559

So I think I found the perfect meme for the MC, or at least if perfect if they were a Simpsons character

Summary


#560

Good idea for torture? Not sure if I should be flattered or concerned about my mental health, but thanks regardless.


#561

Typo I just caught.

Your mother lets out a shrill scream and slaps her hands to her eyes, her jaw dropping. Then, after a moment, she begins to sob, her voice growing into a wail. “What have you done, you sick little freak?” She starts to stumble about, craning her head to gaze desperately at the moon up above, the moon that she’s now unable to see. “What have you done to my eyes?” she howls.

You laugh cruelly, edging forward and raising your hands to strike her. It matters little how much stronger she is when she’s defenseless like this. With your spell only able to last for so long, perhaps you will put out her eyes and blind her permanently. Just as you’re about to reach her, though, she throws her hands away from her face, revealing her wide, shocked eyes.

Wait, no. In only the span of a moment, she recovers. “How dare you use that freaky demon shit on me?!” she roars, the veins bulging on her forehead and her voice a mixture of complete shock and blinding rage.

Before you can react, she lunges forward, shoving you to the ground. You try to crawl away, but she begins to savagely kick you over and over. Crying out in pain, you curl up into a ball, putting your hands over your head as the blows keep falling, bruising you and scraping you until your mind is overwhelmed with agony. “I hate you! I fucking hate you!” she howls. “Why couldn’t it have been you? Why couldn’t it have been you?!”

God. If this was in a TV show I’d have to pause it just to take it in. This is such a tense, but perfect scene. The cruelty, the feeling of FINALLY being able to stand up to her, only for our spell to wear off and witness her immediately snap thereafter, that ending scream quote. Sam, you fucking nailed it here. This is the scene I thought was missing. This effectively wraps up the reason to hate this woman. You deserve kudos for your effective writing here.

And, my final thing: when that random hooligan flees the scene, why can’t we use the blow dart?

Also, I think Voodoo magic is my new favorite. Maybe. The blinding spell, and the vomit spell are just so…satisfying. It’s still close with Phantom though. We’ll see what other delightfully wicked ways we can play with the two sets come to fruition as you continue delivering such content.

P.S.: Forgive the edits. New phone. :rofl:


#562

Thanks, I’ll fix that later tonight.

I thought you would like it! It’s thanks to you and SirBearington’s suggestions that I wrote the scene. (You wanted another flashback to add a bit more substance, and Bearington suggested a bed wetting scene.) I do think it rounds things out a bit more and just shows a new dynamic to your twisted relationship with Edina.

I just added the dart weapon recently and I have yet to put an option to use it against the robber, though I plan on doing that tonight.


#563

I just thought of another option to add in the torture scene…make Margo eat a lot of wasabi.