Mahou Magica (Magical Girl WiP)

[Ledalla]

Thanks for the typos =w=

You can’t be a witch (thanks copyright) but

the Big Tweest is that Magical Girls are inherently cannibalistic in order to maintain magical energy and if they lose too much they go into a state not unlike zombieism. Only to come back completely unaware they just ate their friends alive to sustain themselves

Gotta get that big dark twist out before the going gets good

[Scramm]

Lol DAMN I’m loving that twist. I can definitely see the plot goin to some places with that. Especially given the emphasis on friendship and fighting as a team in most magical girl shows.
This reveal is definitely gonna put a lot of strain and introduce a lot of complications when it comes to people trusting others or building relationships with others.

[BoisterousBumblebee]

Yikes, you’re gonna atempt both? How different will they be?

[Umbreonpanda]

Wait, what? I think being a magical girl is probably a curse and a wish now. xD

[Morphine]

Given how poorly he butchers Olde English

If you butcher something poorly doesn’t that mean that you did only a little bad at it and not a lot?

[blob]

ooh!

so is that what happen in the shoujo prologue?

[ccbubbacc]

Just gave it a quick read, it’s short right now but not a problem. I’ll definitely follow this.

[Szaal]

I just realized that Mahou Magica = Magic Magical, just saying.

[Ledalla]

@Szaal Because it’s a magical adventure full of magical magic ／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

@BoisterousBumblebee It’s definetely going to have similarities and parallels. However, the characters are completely different as is the overarching plot. Girl Route is more worldly-centered and around the nature of Magical Girls as a whole. Arwen/Leader Archetype has a very big role. Guy Route is more personal-focused and centered around the PC more than the nature. As expected, PC plays a huge role in this because he is the motivation of a few team-members.

In that vein, @Scramm the whole friendship thing is going to be fun in retrospect.

Everyone else thanks for the support (and catching contradictory typos)! I hope by next update I can get Lunchtime done with Henrietta and re-do the Arwen introduction.

[StormL2]

I think this is a brilliant idea! I haven’t watched the magical girl genre since I was a kid but I’ve always loved it and always cheer for more girlxgirl. I’d love to help with the writing, as I noticed it’s a bit stilted here and there Here’s what I’ve found so far and I hope I could be of more help next time!

Summary

Pic 1

• “All that remains is the dying light of dusk, illuminating a battlefield one silhouette away from being empty.”
• “Her fair face is stained all red upon one side.” or “Her fair face is stained all red on one side.”
  
  
  
  Pic 2
• “My eyes scan the area like a hawk.”
• “I bring my hands up to hold my head.” or “I hold my head in my hands.” or “I cradle my head in my hands.” or “I move my hands to cradle my head.”
• Why would you need to bring your hands up if you’re moving them to your lap? I think I get what you mean, though. Do you mean: “I let one hand drop to my lap as the other moves to hold my chin, like a particularly famous statue.”
• It’s not the most natural way to speak, especially to a friend. Try: “What’s up, dude?” or “What is up, my dude!” or “Dude! What’s up?”
• “…start walking towards you without a care in the world.”
  
  
  
  Pic 3
• “Come on!” Come now seems more, old-timey? I don’t really know how to describe it, hahaha
• “Childhood friend or not…”
• “you”? I thought this was first person? “An action that only makes me groan in annoyance.”
• Double use of “by now”. It’s best if you remove the second “by now”
• “frightening”
  
  
  
  Pic 4
• “…her hands on her hips.”
• “…as she lunges forward…”
  
  
  
  Pic 5
• “…hello outside world.”
• “…leading the way…”
• “…thoroughly.”
  
  
  
  Pic 6
• If it’s a continuation of the said sentence, then it ends in a comma and not a period, if not, then the next sentence would start with a capital letter (it’s probably just a typo, though). It should be “”…hit sha roof," she admits…"

Hope that helps! Can’t wait to see what you come up with next (and if you need any ideas or help… )

[Ledalla]

@StormL2 Thanks for the interest and the error checking! I’ll certainly get a hold on it next update uhuhu~!

Update again! I have no idea how to announce updates otherwise, so I guess I continue doing this despite it feeling a bit wonky.
This time I officially added a character list of the Magical Girl group to the Stats Screen and actually made a Stats Screen. Also movable stats! Soon they’ll be used to reflect PC’s responses~. However, I didn’t do too much in terms of writing. The stats fedangling took up a lot of my time.

[blob]

for someone who obsess with mc, elaine’s relationship bar sure is low
like the arthurian theme
how would you make shonen route’s stat screen?

[Hope_Kibo]

I really like the idea a lot, but you’re writing feels a little over the top. The way you wrote your introduction to the story (this page) is fluid and practical. So maybe find the balance between your practical writing and embellished writing. Can’t wait to read more!

[Emzan]

I really hope this gets fully written, I love magical girls

[S.Ch]

Meguca