Lord of Dust (WIP) (updated 01/02/16) (Now With Playable Demo)

Ok, having played through properly now I can offer a few bits.

Let me just say I like the story and am looking forward to swing where it goes. These points are just little niggles that I picked up through it. Ignore or embrace them as you like.

  1. Are you always going to use the choice option when a page ends in us speaking?

  2. Speech mark missing at the end of "marauders. …

  3. Speech mark - end of "Anyway, as I was saying, I was carrying a message…

  4. “He stands and walk over to the…” - he stands and Walks

  5. “Familiar colours of you armour” - of “Your” armour

  6. “As long as you care for them (placeholder text)” - I’m assuming that shouldn’t be there?

  7. The moons Lona and Firnas are both the herald of the night, is that correct because it seems Firnas is mentioned to be of Midnight maybe?

  8. “A blood curdling scream…” might be better on a new line so it’s not seen as part of the sentence?

  9. I left tyres on the ground but he slithered up next to me tied to the snakes back. How?

  10. “You snap the reigns and urge kocheck into the (rock) field.” - did you mean to have brackets there?

  11. The marauders break out the the (rock field) - brackets again.

  12. “We draws another from his belt” - He

  13. “to tie chain your hands together” - get rid of “tie”

  14. I didn’t throw the stone but something still happened. The sentence didn’t make sense about the giants arm

There are more spelling errors in the slave camp but I get the feeling that’s still under construction. Also why could I choose to fight the knife fighter? I watched him get crushed by a hammer earlier.

Overall a very interesting story although I’m concerned a lot of my choices made very little difference until the end? Is that the case or do they change things when I leave people behind and ignore things? Tyres relationship barely changed and my other skills never changed when I did things

If none of that is helpful I apologise. Please don’t be put off as your story is really interesting

Thanks for the indepth look.

The spelling and grammar errors are especially useful, I can never seem to catch those…

You would never actually get to choose who you fight in the arena for the boss battle. Since it’s still a demo I allowed people to pick, but normally it would default to the person who did not die in the earlier fight. So if you decided to intervene and throw the rock then Gigo would lose and you would fight the knife guy. If you choose to do nothing and the knife dies then you face the giant by default.

Also even if you don’t’ throw the stone the knife guy still makes a small comeback just for dramatic effect but ultimately loses. If it’s confusing Ill take another look t it though, I can see why.

Tyres is kind of an instrumental character, as such your relationship doesn’t change much in the early game. When your story-line with him comes to an end around mid-game, he sticks around as a friend you can really drift closer or farther apart. I thought this was the best way to handle what I wanted to do.

Good call on the skills. I admit in my excitement I may have forgotten to actually have them change…

This early part of the game is fairly linear because I’m trying to establish a starting vein that players can then branch out from. Once you escape during the revolt you visit one of the 9 cities at random. From there there are dozens of quests and missions and branches that go out.

Thanks for the help again, really helps me figure out a reader’s persective

Whoah…huge mistake…Thanks @Maxmansung

Choosing to throw the rock or not to actually does something now…

If we’re picking niggles, this bit stood out to me.

Sandsnakes are large tame serpents ridden by the Ashani people as their main mode of transportation. They’re docile enough so long as you care for them. (placeholder text) “Wake up you” Tyres mutters as he pats the head of the larger snake.

I think those first two sentences can be deleted. No explanation necessary and no placeholder text required. Just add a comma after “Wake up you.”

I agree with @BabbleYaggle, maybe you could just make codex (that’s what’s it called right) have it over there.it would be a lot more better, we could like open stats and see what one term means, and one more thing both maps won’t load for me so I hope you can fix it.
Sorry for my English as it’s not my native language
And I am still 13.

I suppose they’re pretty self explanatory, thanks

How powerful we are as a paragon? Also i would like very much to go mad with power.

It gets pretty powerful, I would say at max stage you are probably on the level of the Avatar while in the avatar state, If you are familiar with the last airbender

Powerful enough to destroy a city? I didn’t watch Avatar.

Over time maybe, not in one blow. A several buildings at once should be manageable.

And i can go mad with power? Is not so fun to have power if you can’t go mad with it.

Well you’ll be a king at that point so go nuts, destroy cities if you want. I planned to have a few large cities that have to be destroyed with a combination of powers and troops.

I am gonna to love this game! And i can torture people with lightnings? It was so fun in arena.

:grimacing: Uhhhhhhhhh yeah. Well the way I made the powers torturing people for information is supposed to be with the mind magics. Just pain for the sake of pain would probably be any of the paragon trees, as lightning is painful for obvious reasons, the matter paragons can probably come up with some creative ways to break the body, and the mind paragons can cause serious mental pain

Just how rare are paragons in this world? And what position they have in this society?

Awesome question.

Well let’s see, in my current mythology paragons are quite rare, perhaps there are perhaps 1000+ in the empire, and the empire’s population is millions. The powers are not inherited, they are randomly chosen by the gods at a point of great suffering in their lives.

Most paragons are outside normal society, hanging around together in schools to learn and hone their skills. Some are employed by the military and others work as private contractors. The overwhelming majority are simply students of their craft however. The very very top paragons usually serve at the court of the kings to advise them on magical matters

Above is mythology one, I have other ideas as well

Perhaps paragons will be far rarer, and I could make ordinary magic users more common and paragons be super special magic users. In this case paragons themselves will be very rare but magic more common.

Well…with great power comes great responsability! So…i am going to conquer the world! If they have power why they don’t have higher positions? Why to be only adviser to the king when you can kill him and take the throne? And who are those gods?

I was going to say that because of their power they cant’t take government positions by law. Furthermore most of these paragons are monks who serve in destroying dark magic and arent interested in taking power. If one tried however the nice monk ones would stop them.

I’m still thinking about these aspects so they’re all subject to change as the game progresses.

The gods are just gods you know? mysterious background spooky forces

But we will have the option to take all the power for ourselves no? And we can kill the nice monks in the process? I don’t like monks with superpowers who try to stop me! Sorry if i bother you but i am really interested in this story.

Yeah why not, I’ll put a pin in that idea for later. Going the totally evil path… :grin:

nah it’s fine, you’re forcing me to think about this and actually make a good background lol