“Role model citizen” doesn’t sound right, I think you should just stick to model citizen or role model, honestly.
I could be wrong about this and it’s fine as it is but since it’s dialogue it would look better if he said “he slash him” rather than using punctuation.
I’m super glad you dialed it back a little when it came to the dashes and lengthy sentences. It makes everything you’ve written much easier to read and I enjoyed it a lot more this time round!
I’m personally not bothered by Eddie being genderlocked (since we, the MC, are not), but I think you’re better off giving the choice of them being either male or female just to avoid situations like this (see: above).
Also, I felt it rather strange that Eddie himself didn’t address that he was talking to himself in a public place, which I assume most people would find odd (unless I missed that part, then nevermind. I tend to skim a lot ).
That being said I quite like their character so far, and I’m looking forward to what comes next!
Honestly I think it’s better to let the reader decide at the start if Eddie (or whoever) is male or female, rather than something awkward as you seem to be describing. I realise you might be trying something different there but I don’t think I as the reader would feel comfortable telling a character who is initially defined pretty as a male that they are actually female… just my two cents anyway.
oh, okay, i see your point, but i guess i’ll leave him male for this time being because i want eddie to be defined as a separate character and for me that wouldnt be if you could define parts of him.
also remember that eddie isnt you so yeah
okay so as a member of the lgbt community i know how important it is for yall to be able to choose your genders and whatnot but like, i just want him to be separate from the narrator so you guys remember that you’re not limited to being eddie/staying stuck in his head and stuff
im really uncomfortable with changing who eddie is because hes been some sort of comfort character to me and its just really sad to change it and stuff haha bUT that doesnt mean i wont try to find a way to appeal to both my wishes and the readers’
I personally don’t mind not being able to fuck with Eddies gender. It seems that you are just room mating with the boy. I mean you ain’t playing Eddie after all. I personally don’t mind what you do with Eddie if you want to make him male only I respect that decision and if you already do have his character properly planned out and this feels weird to you I would encourage you to do what feels right with you my boy.
Do what you want buddy I like what you’ve got so far.
However on the topic of genders, Eddie and the MC playing the gender game literally as Eddie wakes up seems a bit…odd.
“Oh fuck I’ve got a demon or some shit in my head. Hey what’s you sex, gender, and pronouns btw here are mine :D”
I know personally I would leave that question to at least after I had the morning cuppa
(Btw no one lynch me please I was not having a go at you for your opinions just commenting my own since I get gender customisation is important to allot of yah I’m personnaly just not as fussed and view Eddie as a seperate character)
I agree, I think the fact it happens that quickly is a bit jarring, If it was me I would have more pressing questions like OH DEAR GOD WHO IS TALKING IN MY BRAIN AGH. Which is kind of what you are doing to be fair and all but as @LordNanachi says doing the gender game so soon seems too quick.
I just know if you establish Eddie as male off the bat I’m not inclined to change that.
I’m really interested in this concept! I agree with others about going over the player’s gender is a bit too early.
I would suggest letting the player talk to Eddie a bit, have him awkwardly say like “so what are you?” And then have him specify what he means, referring to gender.
As for Eddie’s gender, I think you’re doing the right thing by keeping him male. It’s clear that he’s not entirely comfortable with it and writing that subplot with a custom character will get complex. A good way to make players not feel locked into his gender would be to try and make sure the player feels that their gender is recognized. Maybe Eddie feels weird about having a girl in his head, or gets confused about non-binary identities, for example.
Hey I just want to say I like the story your telling there. However, as a few have said the part about Eddie and gender is kinda jarring.
Nothing wrong with modern gender stuff and inclusion. I think though the way the scene is currently written could be the problem, personally feels almost shoehorned or forced, almost. I think maybe having a go to make it feel a bit more natural or smoother would do it without you needing to change Eddie.
Please don’t get the wrong Idea that you need to change Eddie, just that part of the convo could use a second look. Stuff like media, art, etc. are as much about HOW something is presented as they are about WHAT is presented. Example- see that recent divisive Gillette ad
ok so you guys are right idk what i was thinking i guess i wrote that too early bc i was frustrated over my own gender haha ;(
so i guess in the next minor update (on monday maybe because i really want to fix that) i’ll add a proper “holy f&ck what are you” moment (i like your suggestion @RedRoses !)
guys seriously thanks for pointing that weird sh!t out
All good chief. I don’t mind it being in their but it felt a LITTLE heavy handed and a bit out of place is all, if you moved it to a bit later in the day, like maybe after a coffee where assumedly both characters have adjusted slightly then you can chuck it in there in a slightly smoother form.
so i’m not sure if there will be an update this week, but i just want to know if anyone is actually interested in what i have to offer
so uh poll
because even if you guys vote “not interested” i’ll still make the game but i won’t post it here anymore/won’t post frequently
I’m interested, but it would be fine if you don’t update frequently.
hey guys ☆
no update for this week because i’m kinda busy with other stuff + writer’s block is an assh@le + lmao i’ve only started with the first question you can ask the protag and its super long nanzjsn
i offer you guys a spoiler on what your protagonist looks like as peace offering ; )
listen i tried very hard there are 388383 drawings of the protag on scratch papers
yes i know the proportions are off and the nose is weird but still jxnsjdn