Lair of the Beast (Introduction Demo)

Lair of the Beast
Fantasy-Horror Game
Play As Male Or Female
Intended For Older Audiences

The Story

Once every year, Shadow’s Peak sacrifices one person under the age of 18 to the Shadow’s Valley. Those offering nothing to the village are cast aside – and then there are those like you, a youth with blood on your hands and a dead body at your feet.

Cast from your village, you find yourself at the Lair of the Beast.

Within, you have seven days to prove yourself to the blackened souls within whether the weight on your soul is deserving of evanescence or awakening. But tread with caution for the Beast is always watching, and the Shadow’s Embrace isn’t always forgiving.


I have the introduction of the game finished. This is the first game I’ve attempted to make, and it is considerably harder than I thought it would be. However, as this is my first try, I would like to share it to see if it flows smoothly.

It is a rough version, and lots of editing is needed, but that will come later.

For now, I’d like to know if there’s any errors or something doesn’t work (besides the stat_screen, which isn’t working because I haven’t set it up fully – so don’t click on that cause it won’t work, as of yet. Stats will start popping up in the first chapter).

The Introduction is 5,600 words long and some choices do change the text of the story. I have a few ideas for the upcoming chapters of the story, a scene or two written out, and I plan on updating once or twice a month on the demo. I’ll be posting ongoing updates on all my blogs, which I can provide links to should anyone be interested.

To play the demo, you need the provided link: Click To Read The Lair of the Beast

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Wow!This was great.The quality of the writing was high, and the concept is intriguing.I do have 1 tiny nitpick.I think you mean rabid, not rapid.image
image

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Well, I’m a simple woman. I read “fantasy horror,” I’m sold. Already looking forward to hurling my money at you in the future!

I would also love those blog links dropped. :eyes: :eyes:

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Interesting concept + good writing + not-so-perfect MC?

I’m sold :grin:

Seriously, this is great! Your writing is really, really great, your story intro is great, your worldbuilding (based on what I’ve seen) doesn’t seem that of place either. Keep it up! :+1:

Just one thing; while playing, I felt that the MC was a bit fixed in personality. Not sure if that’s the feel you were going for, but you might want to see that.

Looking forward to see more of this!

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Ohhh I like where this is going! A few things under the details

Summary


either “had run” or just “ran”

you’re

MC is female here

more of a personal choice, but your choices are written like titles, not sentences.

i think you mean “robed”?

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Sounds interesting gonna give it a go

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Aronjo, my friend, you pointed out the one thing I am actually struggling with! I know for the introduction, the personality is a bit fixed. I’m still trying to figure out how to wrap my head around multiple paths, and I’m not entirely sure how I would add a variety of personalities at this stage. It’s something I have been thinking about as I’ve been writing this, and one thing I do intend to address later on (more focused on the plot itself and getting it written out).

I’m happy you enjoyed it!

@Netflix-and-Bills, the blog is on Tumblr. The first post was just put in today, which can be read here. I’m also revamping an old Patreon page that I’ll be using (posts for this story will all be public, for the most part), but it isn’t done, and I doubt someone would want to look at an unfinished page, anyway. So we’ll stick to the Tumblr page I have. Also have a facebook page in the making for my writings in general, and I’ll be sure to drop a link for that once it’s done.

@Book_Devourer – yes, I believe I was looking for rabid instead of rapid. While I suppose one could say the way things unfolded behind the scenes relating to that part of the story was “rapid” in many ways, but not the terminology I was looking for. Thanks for pointing that out!

@iota – thanks for the pointers. That’s one downside of CSIDE, truthfully. Hard to pinpoint spelling and grammar errors and inconsistencies. Fresh eyes are a blessing.

And, lastly, @Harley_Robin_Evans, I do hope you did give the story a chance and that you liked it. People here on the forum have been sweethearts in kind words that are both inspiring and heartwarming.

I tried to respond to everyone in this, but if I did miss someone – it was not intentional. I think I did get everyone, but it’s hard to say. As of now, I’ll compile the advice and pointers and go back and edit the obvious mistakes and take note of possible changes (personalities). Lots to work on before jumping to Day One!

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The one screenshot you posted of the three choices (How, Awestruck, and Sink) were more of me being a bit stumped. It’s likely I’ll change that, once I figure out what to do with that section. I have, however, hunted down the areas you pointed out and revamped them. Also added quite a few large handful of words to my word count, too

I think that’s one thing I was frustrated with, at that point. Most of the choices were like sentences or comments in a story instead of titles, something for me to keep in mind as I go back to fix that (the last thing on my list to change)

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Really like this story. I have a few notes for you.

Suggestion and some line edits

The first line uses “village” twice. Consider using a different word or removing one of the instances.

Suggestions for making the mc more dynamic:

let them have different reasons for murder, and different ways of feeling about it. Example: feeling unsafe, doing what was best for themselves, for the village, for the protection of someone else) and feeling regretful or proud, angry or disgusted.

You’re outnumbered. As your hands are bound behind your back, Dan moves to stand before you. “You’ve always been quick of mind, lass, but that intelligence has done you little favor. Take him away.”
Saw this line while playing as a female Mc. The take ${pc} away should probably be a variable as shown so that female mc’s see she, males see he, and non-binary pc’s (if you decide to add them) see they or a given neopronoun.

You knew well enough how this would end, knew that your tender age put you within the age range to be sacrificed instead of hanged.
Consider just making it something about left you volnerable to sacrifice… or just within the range to be sacrificed, to avoid repeating age twice. this way sounds distant. Not a bad thing, if that’s what you’re going for, if the mc is basically trying to avoid thinking about their situation personally.

Consider using another word than obsolete because obsolete means out of date. Maybe arbitrary.

Further out, directly ahead of you, is a massive, black stone. It juts out from the water, and you attention is drawn
Should be "your attention is drawn.

Behind your, your Handlers are silent.
Should be behind you.

There’s a weight to the air like that of a noose wrapping tighter around your next [should be neck]

The light of the surface vanishes under the suddenly foaming waves of the river, the darkness of the river offset by the pillar of red[.] [T]he energy is connected to — a pillar of blood-colored power you are being dragged towards. Lungs burning, you can do nothing [but, save, except] struggle fruitlessly in the river’s hold.

the answer was somewhere behind you, somewhere further on the island you were [are] now trapped on.

I look forward to seeing what comes of this demo and best of luck.

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Honestly what helped me the most making choices for my readers is usually “what reaction would someone have to this” OR “how could someone continue/contribute to this conversation”. It’s definitely difficult to get every aspect you want down (because there are so many different personality types) but I would recommend (since I didn’t see any personalities/stats implemented) to get a few personalities that you could possibly want to write for (abrasive vs soft spoken for example) and write choices around those, at least for the first draft. It’ll make things go a little smoother and give readers more direction into how they want to shape their MC. Glad I could help with spelling :slight_smile:

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Since I saw a high fantasy tag, are there going to be cliche races? Is the beast going to be some eldritch horror or something

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@YouveBeenHitByTRUCK

It would be safe to say that there will be some familar races outside of humans in it, but I don’t intend for them to be the dusted off ideas typically seen. I like new ideas on old concepts.

Eldritch Horrors can be fun, if done right. Whether or not the Beast falls into that category, however, is a grey area. In some cases, yes. In others, no.

@iota

Good points. That’s something I’ll keep in mind when I go back to add more character customization for the story. I have a few ideas for personalities and emotional choices (shy, soft spoken, bold, reckless, confrontational, violent tendencies for more chaos oriented people in games, and other such stuff)

Keeping track of it all will be fun

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I’ve read through your notes, TS. Several I’ve already worked out, others I’m hunting down to fix. I have a notes section in my documents where I’ve been listing things I gotta fix for the story, and yours have been added.

I’m glad you like the demo, and thank you for the well wishes. I’ll be sure to let you (and everyone else) know when the current portion is updated

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I’m working on more emotional choices that’ll relate to how the PC feels regarding Carson’s death without stating, outright, why he died (that’s for later). These choices will also alter how the PC responds to Dan when he confronts the PC on Carson’s death.

I wanted to do a picture for my own sake, but putting images in the discussion isn’t allowed (that’s the error that comes up when I tried, anyway, so I’m confused about how everyone else has screenshots in their responses). Because of that, I did the good ol’ copy-and-paste of the code. I hope that’ll be just as good as an actual screenshot.

*choice
	#The hairs on your neck and arms stand on end. Hands trembling, you push away from the wall as you choke back a whimper of fear.
		*set Scared1 true
		*comment: SCARED CHOICE
		*comment: this relates to Accidental Murder or Taking The Fall
		"Keep moving," you whisper to yourself as you step forward on unsteady legs, your limbs feeling weak under your weight. Limbs shaking, edges of your vision hazy, you urge yourself on. "Just keep going. Don't stop. [i]Don't look back.[/i] Keep moving…"

		There's no suppressing the tremors in your hands or the erasing the streak of crimson left behind after your hand passes over the wall. As you pick up your pace, the urge to look behind yourself pulls at your senses, your muscles stiffening as a howl cuts through the silence.
		
		You bolt down the alleyway, lungs screaming as you flee deeper into the village. Each turn you take is a blur, your previous mantra to [i]keep moving[/i] urging you forward even as you seek a place to hide.
		*page_break
		*goto Hunted
	#Your skin is flushed and nostrils flaring as you push away from the wall with a snarl. Ears ringing, throat dry, your hands twitch at your side. 
		*set Rage1 true
		*comment: ANGRY CHOICE
		*comment: Relates to Murderous Protection
		The blood on your hands is a beacon, as red as the killing intent pulsing through your veins.
		*goto Hunted
	#Apathetic Choice (Murderous Protection/Taking The Fall)
		*set Apathetic1 true
		*comment:
		*comment:
		asdf
		*goto Hunted
	#Disgusted Choice (Accidental Murder/Taking The Fall)
		*set Conflicted1 true
		asdf
		*goto Hunted

As I promised, I want to keep everyone updated on this – I also want to see if the first two options are suitable for emotional responses without outright stating “You’re Scared” or “You’re Angry.” This story revolves around choices instead of stats, and I do have variables in place, but writing various personalities for one character is a lot different than having one predetermined personality for the main character.

It’s an exciting experience, that’s for sure.

I’m also going to expand on the various ways to respond to why the PC kills Carson.

I’m going to keep working at this and improving it as I go, but I do want to see if my idea for emotional-response storytelling is clear enough. I’m trying to avoid having paragraph-sized choices (which was what it looked like before I trimmed the two I have down into bite-sized chunks of text). So, please, let me know what you think!

PS - the reason I wanted a picture was because I wouldn’t have to scroll to the right to read everything. Not sure if adding photos has something to do with membership level or something, or if my computer isn’t working, but having the option for a picture would be nice.

Great Demo so far. Does this game have romance? Can’t wait to play more.

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There are instances where the player can pursue a handful of characters in a romantic sense. One thing to keep in mind, however, is that LotB is not focused on romance - but I do like having an undercurrent of romance in all my stories, so the option will be there