Key word there is may. Im willing to take the risk if it hurts Marxus.
I’m saying MAY to avoid saying the spoiler.
Ohhh it may be a chance for magician MC’s to practice magic with her then?
And the most important question is… Will Sophia fire jutsu the monster? That would be BADASS
Why “The Kingdom of Darvis:” part is empty though? is that to be added?
Sighs Well, can I at least stab him in the back if he saves me?
Ugh… Be right back…
Fixed it. Hopefully that’s the last error I will have…
wring hands evilly Time to go through and look for typos MWAHAHAHA
xD Just kidding
I do that later after making sure there no some kinds of error in my playthrough
I know. I’m just messing with Sophia. XD
Not Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael?
That said, I cannot wait for the next update! >.< Off to play some games to occupy my time!
What I found
About Javier description:
- One of King Andus III’s personal knights whom he knighted himself. King Andus III made Javier the second prince’s tutor, thinking it would be skilled in arms.
This may just me, I think it’s better to replace it with he because it’s feels like mc is just a… Thing rather than person.
- As the feast continued, the clock stroke midnight. The King stood and raised his hand, and the people stood up.
I think it’s should be struck (this is according to some forum I found when search it) but I can be wrong.
- "It is a great feast, as my son, Karlos, has reached his 2nd stage in life. He was born under the moon, and will be a man under it. You will be thy witness in this glorious feast!.
Also there quotation mark need after this.
- "Queen Victoria and I have been discussing an important matter. My son has developed into a man, worthy of the blood of King Darius.
Also need quotation mark after this.
- you loved her, you lovde Melissa. But why did fate turn the two of you away?
I unsure about this one though since I do found that lovde also can be used according to this(although I unsure) but I just let you know in case this not what you mean.
- She has grown from a little child that you once met, to a beautiful woman walking in the aisle.
walking on the aisle OR walking down the aisle? I kinda unsure about this one.
Just want to remind you that the neutral territory is not here yet, dunno if you plan to add it or not though.
- You remember seeing him a couple of times with Javier. A member of the King’s knights, perhaps. He has shory, curly, auburn hair and manly, green eyes.
I would probably report more and probably ask questions, but I can’t because my battery 2% (sorry if there mistake in the report)
@Sabrinadiza_Balya, was that quote in full context or did you just take a snippet of a paragraph? Either way, I’m not liking how it’s written (not “flowing” right.)
It is struck, you are correct.
Only one punctuation mark is needed for the referenced segment. However, the flow is not working for this segment either. Am I going to have to reread the revision in order to find errors?
It is common practice to repeat things for emphasis. So, likely she was setting up for a second “loved” and made a typo.
Yeah, I don’t like that.
@Sophia - Try this:
One of King Andus III’s personal knights. Sir Javier was knighted personally by the king. King Andus III later appointed Sir Javier to be the second prince’s tutor, hoping that the prince would become skilled in combat.
@Sophia - Here are my critiques.
“Choose,” the God of Creation said. “In which path you will choose, lies a different journey ahead.”
Ugh, I want to fix this so badly but I will at least wait until the rewrite.
The pain of labor was a prison for her mind.
Who is “her?” Yes, I technically know who you are referring to but you need to state Vicky’s name here so your following pronouns make more sense. If you are trying to be vague here, then you need to rewrite it differently
Her stomach tightened, she heard her own scream without being aware of making it
Needs to have an “and” after the comma.
The midwife told her that is was time, time to push.
I probably wouldn’t have written it that way but I think that with some of the other examples popping up that this might be your style. Correct me if I’m wrong. Nothing technically “wrong” here, I think.
With a guttural grunt, she did so until was told to stop, as once was enough.
Try it that way, unless anyone disagrees with me?
As much as she tried to hold them back, tears still flowed from her eyes.
We’re dealing with a plural here, so you can use my example or could say “hold them in.” TEars are also water, so you could use “flowed” here and it would work naturally with what you are saying. Just an idea.
Apparently, this project is going to require way more time than I anticipated. So, I’ll have to continue it later.
Tried writing fan-fiction… it was trash, can’t write dialogue, prefer description and narration.
Also the fleeting sentiment we call love turns out to have seven categories:
There’s lustful love (Eros), platonic love (Philia), flirtatious love (Ludus), rational love (Pragma), selfless love for humanity (Agape), self-love (Philautia), and of course unconditional familial love (Storge).
Kris would probably align with Ludus and Eros and to some extent Agape (steal from rich give to the poor is technically a form of charity) through that might be combined with Philautia (people like feeling good about themselves when being charitable).
Sophia might be susceptible to Pragma (as most long term couples are) and possibly Philia if she and the MC find common ground.
I… have no idea about Clithus. Didn’t peg her for the romantic type but she might have the potential for Philia, if she’s proud to be a knight then Philautia could also apply. Or it might not depending on how she views herself.
Melissa… well there’s Storge and to some extent I think Philautia given that yanderes are at their root, needy for self-validation through love. She might have had potential for Philia before her downward spiral… poor Melissa, she didn’t deserve this.
Philia is the most interesting since there are three sub-types:
Utility: Friendships of mutual benefit
Pleasure: Friendships of social company
Both these two are unsustainable since since an individual’s personal needs can change (thus the mutual utility they derive from each other could cease) and friends may lose interest in certain activities and stop socializing.
- Good: Final evolution of Philia, also known as True Friendship, this is where both parties admire the goodness in each other (technically any aspect of their character they perceive as ‘good’), thus is driven by the desire to care for such a friend (so long as admirable trait remains intact) and strive to improve each other’s character.
Found one bug: this has probably been pointed out but just in case it hasn’t, there’s this error in the demo, during the MC’s wedding if I click on ‘‘Go to the right side’’, the game freezes and has to be refreshed.
I know you said magic isn’t a big part of the story, how is this a skill worth focusing on then? I was going to have my MC be a mage type in this story (which is a change because I normally play warrior types).
Anyone else getting an error screen during the wedding feast when going to talk with there uncle? I just went up a good 30 posts and cant find anything.
Because it can be used to beat enemies and in battle and to please some magic-savvy kings/dukes and to cheat in tournament/s