Author’s thoughts: Yes… The plan to make the players feel hesitant about wanting the throne is a success… …
9 Likes
Bloody hell if you wanted to find a way to make us readers feel unsure of ourselves you’ve done a damn good job.
2 Likes
This is a little spoiler for Melissa RO.
Your heart aches. Melissa is so beautiful. She has grown from a little child that you once met, to a beautiful woman walking. But she's not with you. As she walks towards the altar, where my brother stands, every step she makes reminds me that she will be bound for life to my brother. You heart hurts. You caught the Melissa's eyes. Her eyes are swollen after crying last night. you couldn't forget her look when your father announced her engagement to Prince Marxus.
5 Likes
This word here:
[…], but there was an adequate amount of shimmering stars to illuminate the dark, moonless night.
Something is adequate when it meets certain standards or criteria, which may vary greatly from person to person. The amount of stars may be adequate for the narrator, but someone who has poor night vision might find it to be inadequate, as it doesn’t allow them to see where they’re going. Or the flickering light may be an annoyance to someone who is easily distracted.
Instead, you could say that there were enough stars.
This is, of course, my personal opinion on the matter, and you are free to ignore it if you don’t agree with it. The world would be really boring without disagreements. 
1 Like
let me reply with how i visioned this. (im not a good writer, even less when it comes to write it in english… but oh well 
)
One day walking the gardings of the castle with Melissa she confessed to me.
Melissa says worried " I have something very important to tell you."
smiling sweetly you said " Of course, You now you can count with me, wathever it is. "
Melissa eyes you with smile " Yeah, I know… saddly this is something you cant help. "
you look and see her smile faltering, now in his place a sorrowful one.
why does her face look at the verge of crying?
you cant see her like that, in a fluid motion you put your arms around her , hugging and caressing her hair.
you then guide your mouth close to her ears and whisper in a soft voice.
" Im here for you, tell me what’s bothering you."
she parts from the hug and look you directly with tears ir her eyes.
Melissa: is your father… he’s forcing my family -me- to marry your brother.
Your heart stop beating for a moment, your eyes reddening from the shock, your hands now forming knuckles in anger after hearing that.
you look into her eyes, red now from crying and grit your teeth before telling her what your going to do.
“Im going to find my father now, I wont let anyone take you away from me.”
You then lean forward and kiss her lips, it takes all your will before pulling your lips away.
After that you gently clean her tears with your thumb and tell her " I Love You, Mel "
before she can even finish her sentence " I love you too " you run inside the castle, rage building inside you.
You stop in front of your father room, without thinking you open the door and walk inside. Your father is sitting in her desk writing, he looks to you and stop for a moment as if studying your face.
Father " ¿ Why are you looking at me like that, son ? "
you lock eyes with him, trying to calm yourself, but fail.
Mc " ¡¿Why you say?! ¡¡You know damn well why, Melissa already told me what you are doing!! ¡¡¿ How can you do this to your own son ?!!
you cant contain your anger showing up in your voice, pacing around the room almost in rage. You can see the expression in your fathers face, astonished and a ¿bit sad? , you are not completely sure but you dont care either.
Father " Im sorry, I wish there was other way to do this, but Marxus needs the support of the nobles to be King one day, your mother knew that and set up you two before i could so that you someday take the throne. "
you can see he’s telling the truth, but he’s taking your happiness - Melissa - away from you just to put your brother in the throne. Your mother in change only wanted the best for you, even if she planned it.
Mc " You say that as if my mother is the one taking away the person I love, but YOU are the one taking away my happines, YOU are the one using me as a tool, YOUR own blood and son."
you emphasize in high tones the words you/ your and take the paper he was writing showing it to him, having already read it before when you were pacing the room.
A marriage agreement between you and Princess Sophia of Lucraex.
Your father almost ashamed take the paper from your hands and put it in the desk before turning to you.
Father " McName, You have to know this is the best for Darvis "
You cant believe what you just have heard.
¿Does he really think that will convince me? ¿Does he take me for a fool?
You know that Marxus likes Melissa and he want to be the king.
Mc " Dont ever presume to know what’s best for Darvis nor what is best for me, you are giving all to Marxus, the throne and something he could never have " you pause to make your point " Melissa’s love." you take some steps and stop before the door, without turning your back to look at him and say " Dont ever call me son or by my name again, You are not longer my father nor Marxus my brother, I can’t stand the sight of you two anymore. " you walk out of his room and close the door with such strenght that you think you may have break it.
You start to think some of the possibilities now in your power.
¿Can your mother somehow help you?
¿Maybe talk it with the Duke and her wife with Melissa by your side?
¿Maybe plot with the nobles and make public how your own father and bastard brother have wronged you?
¿Marry sophia and use Lucraex for revenge against your father and brother?
Wathever you do, one thing is sure, it wont be easy and you will have to be carefull.
3 Likes
@anon4518890
Wow… Tell me if you’re gonna start writing in ChoiceScript. I’ll read your story.
The only thing that’s wrong is the King’s attitude. I stated before that the relationship between the King and Queen are not that good. Straight to the point, your father holds no affection for you.
1 Like
Remain as behave as possible.
That should be as behaved as possible, right.
*choice
#Talk to Queen Victoria
*goto mother_talk
#Talk to Prince Marxus
*goto brother_talk
#Talk to Ser Javier
*goto javi_talk
#Retire to Your Chambers
*goto sleep
A hide reuse command would make sense here.
1 Like
ty , if i ever feel confident with my english, sure 
Bad enough to insult / treat bad us or our mother?
1 Like
Unfortunately, Yes. Bad enough to look at you as a mistake.
2 Likes
wow im liking him less and less 
since melissa will marry our brother, atleast give us a way for killing…i mean revenge
1 Like
There is an achievement about killing a dynasty member…
2 Likes
Damn, this reminds me of Game of Thrones. Can’t want to see the finished product. Kudos
1 Like
My compliments to the author, I have loved the game so far.
1 Like
let me just say
https://media.licdn.com/mpr/mpr/AAEAAQAAAAAAAAgvAAAAJDY4OTI4MmE0LTVlZDgtNGQzYy1iN2U1LWU5Nzk1NjlhNzIwNg.jpg
5 Likes
How many enemies do we have?
1 Like
I glad I not choose to oppose mc brother at first😅, you also certainly didn’t lie when you said going to put more hint"I’m you future wife."
Can I question this thought? What kind of king mc brother going to be? Is he going to be peace seeker king? War lust king? Manipulated?
Great now I’m going to feel bad for taking the throne 
… now what? You’re going to make me feel bad for wanting to kill princess sofia-kun?
@DUNGEON_MASTER Who would say…He was always right
1 Like
I’m just gonna give my two cents on some of what I perceive as errors in the writing so far. Mostly it has to do with tenses:
As much as she tries to hold it, tears still came from her eyes.
Here, “she tries” is in the present tense, and “came” is in the past tense, and when reading, that disrupts the flow of the story. So either you should change “she tries” to “she tried” or “tears still came” to “tears still come”. But seeing as all of the writing in the previous page was in past tense, you should probably go with the former, to be consistent.
The years of waiting no longer exists.
The sentence should be altered to “The years of waiting no longer exist”. But this doesn’t really fit well because the years of waiting don’t just disappear so it should be more along the lines of “The years of waiting had ended.”
The sun over the capital city of Darvis was burning hot on a cloudless spring day.
“Was burning” is the same as “burned” so this should be “The sun over the capital city of Darvis burned hot on a cloudless spring day”, which imo flows better.
The streets were bustling with activities for the peasants to enjoy.
The same case as the last sentence. Should be “The streets bustled with activities for the peasants to enjoy.”
The circus troupe displays their skills in acrobatics.
This is a grammar problem. The “displays” should be changed to “display”, so the sentence should read “The circus troupe display their skills in acrobatics.”
Dancers were swaying their blades with such elegant movements that caught the people's attention.
This is another case of an unnecessary helping verb. It should be “Dancers swayed” instead of “were swaying”. The use of “movements” is also unnecessary because “sway” implies movement. Making an adjustment to the end of the sentence for better flow, the sentence should be “Dancers swayed their blades with elegance, catching the people’s attention.”
There were a lot more that I wanted to cover, but writing this post is a lot more boring than I thought it’d be so I’m gonna stop there for now, because many of the errors I covered are repeated throughout and you can probably revise your work and catch those similar errors. I might do some more if I feel like it.
1 Like
I still proudly have mine. 
