Instead of using frizzy to describe black people hair you should use coilly or cloudy because our hair is not frizzy its just tight curls and coils. http://writingwithcolor.tumblr.com/post/113627509260/words-to-describe-hair is a good place to familiarize yourself with terms.
I just guess I felt like it made sense to at least be able to ask about them, since we had already met them.
Also, the other four do have somewhat… diverse personalities, which does make the idea that they’re selected by a personality test feel a bit weird.
Thank you so much!! This seems very helpful for my writing. I’m sorry if it was offensive, that wasn’t my intent! This will be fixed in the next patch ~
I suppose, but I’m not sure how else I could’ve done it. Maybe they’re picked to highlight certain aspects of your personality? Guess it’s better than them being picked randomly.
I was really impressed by the amount of details and humor you’ve got packed in here! The prologue before MC gets to the school seems to have an extra dose of “detail-oriented” humor. We don’t see quite as much of this once we get to the school, but here’s a great excerpt:
You, several shirt buttons having popped undone without you noticing, your clothes spilling out of your trunk a few feet away, your half-uneaten breakfast still lying on the table, nodded up and down. The woman did not seem fazed.
Giving exposition in interesting and engaging ways is a very good quality. You might want to look into making sure your details of the school possess this same sort of humor. I’m not saying you need a zinger in every paragraph, but it definitely helps the reader ingest your descriptions.
Of course there’s a downside to this type of humor, in that it can lead to overly long sentences and unnecessary adverbs. I think you need to read your newly-added prologue out loud, just to make sure none of those sentences leave you breathless. It’s a difficult balance but I think once you find it, you’re going to be writing absolute gold!
To sum it up, really enjoyed the story and looking forward to how it develops! Good luck!
Wow, this helps loads!!! I never really thought of it that way, I’ll definitely be using this. Run-on sentences are a little bit of an issue for me haha.
Thank you so much, and I’m very glad you enjoyed it!! <33
Thats more wavy
I took no offense people have a hard time describing black hair. I love the story tho cant wait to see more
Oh hey, it is good to see Keys back, you are doing a good job with the remaster.
Kyoko’s pronoun here is wrong (drew you to him should be her).
I also found it weird to choose our appearance in the middle of a dialogue, makes me awkward having myself described by someone I just met. If it helps, why not just have her show the thingy to us :v
Aah thank you so much for pointing this out, I knew there was another one I missed!
And yeah, had another person say that to me as well. The appearance-changing scene will be moved to a different section like it was last time.
It’s good to see you back, and thank you loads!
The new demo looks good. Would like an option to feel indifferent when asked how you feel, since being unsure isn’t exactly the same.
By the way, are romances limited to roommates or is there a chance of Maggi being an RO as well? There aren’t many games with older ROs, so it’d be nice to have one here.
Pretty nice game so far. Can’t wait to see it develop. I do have a suggestion at the bit where you say what your hobbies are, literature, arts, etc, to have the response tailored to whatever you choose. For example: “I like reading too!”, “I enjoy painting and sculpting as well.” because I feel like just saying, “I like doing that too.” doesn’t make much sense when you pick literature or some of the other options.
As far as spelling goes, I found two things (I apologize if these have been said before):
“I love saying hers name, hehe!” as she dashes away.
“Ah, haha, hah, ahahaha! Haha.” You see Cadence beginning to perspire. "Uh, well I—ahem—I am extremely clean, I always keep my room nice and tidy! Err, I… I will definitely not both you constantly.
Keep up the good work!
I will certainly add this option right now! Thank you very much~
Magdalena as an RO
Also, unfortunately, probably not. It’s a good idea, and I would’ve loved to use it, apart from the fact that there are already six ROs and I plan on making VERY LONG, completely unique, individual scenes for all six of them in several chapters. Though Magdalena is an intriguing character and I think her being an older RO would have been pretty cool, I think this is a problem for another day. Maybe, if I am feeling ambitious, in the final draft when everything is said and done, she will be more included, possibly as an RO.
Thanks so much for your interest, and this is a really cool idea though! Maybe I’ll add it as a question in the improvement poll, and if I get enough votes, she’ll be added.
Thanks again! <3
Thank you very much!
The scenes with Kioko have actually been fixed and the new link including the bug fixes will be uploaded sometime today : D
Also, thank you for the Cadence bug! I didn’t catch that one, fixing it now!
Glad you’re enjoying it! There’s currently a link to the improvement poll to make it even better, and it would help loads ^^
Thanks for your interest! < 3
How old are the characters and the mc? Between 16 and 17? Minus cat person who may be 14?
This question has been answered! But briefly, ALL first-session students (including you and Kioko) are around 14 years old, human years. Windmere lasts four sessions (four years in human time) and by the time you’re 18, you’re expected to make a living and graduate.
Also, Kioko just looks younger. ^^
Thank you for answering will this be a series of one book that will cover all of mc academic life?
There will likely be multiple volumes, though at the moment I’m just going to write as much as the story can hold. I want the plot to be good and not feel like it’s stretched out before anything else!
Also, I’m very sorry, I made a mistake! MC and all first-session students are 16. This is now included in the new FAQ section of this forum post…sorry about that! Eheh…
So, does this mean that they’d be graduating at 20, or would the school only be two years long now?