Kennari: The Lone Warrior {Updated 1 February 2022}

I’ve begun work on my new game Kennari: The Lost Warrior.

Genre: Science fiction + A dash of fantasy + Romance

A dash of Star wars feel.

Summary

You are an Arcai, a child born with the ability to manipulate the arcane gifts.
The winds of change are brining a tide that will change life as you know it. Survival, Justice, Rebellion and so much more on your mind.

Sypnosis: The universe is no longer a vast expanse of space. It’s been divided into two factions, the Enforces and the slaves. The Empire has spread it’s roots broken the galactic laws and conquered the fifteen coloniel planets through brute strength and cruel betrayal. The United Galactic union along with the planetary nations of Imorin, Norese and Vanesq looked the other way in order to avoid a full blown conflict. One by one all the colonies fell but the planet nation of Kennari with it’s Arcane warriors managed to not only repel the Empire’s repeated invasions but to put a crack in their military strength.

Adding anything else would be a spoiler.

ROs
  1. Arian/Ariana Willows(M/F)
    Golden hair, blue eyes and lightly tanned cream skin and all charm. Bold, sarcastic and with a tongue that is inlaid with silver and can conceal a blade. They have their sights set on you and most of the time you can’t tell if they’re flirting with you or drawing you closer to slit your throat.
    With a past as murky as their words, they keep their cards close. But then why do they hold your hands when you feel the grief?

  2. Blaise/ Blaze Orwell (M/F)
    Brown hair, peach and cream skin, One red iris while the other is a brilliant bluish green.
    Gruff, morbid and a short temper with a protective streak. The strong muscular build only adds to the intimidation factor. For some reason unknown to you, they hate you and take pleasure in putting you down. They clearly don’t trust you but then when they think you don’t know, you feel a pair of beautiful mismatched eyes look out for you.

  3. Jace/ Jade Griffith(M/F)
    Ebony skin, Coiled cornrows with red highlights and hazel eyes. Bubbly, cheerful and a rebel to the boot, they are the only one to greet you with a smile every time you look up. Though sometimes you feel like they’re hiding all their grief under the sunny exterior.

  4. Quinn Hellman (M/F/NB)
    Black eyes, Purple hair and pale skin. Hilarious with a crooked sense of humor, friendly and a good shoulder to cry on. They have a live life to the fullest policy and often get into trouble for their mischievous endeavors.

  5. Duke Rylan/ Duchess Ryona Shadith (M/F)
    Black hair, beige skin, amber eyes. Dangerous, stone cold and the person who got close to pushing you past the veil. The only child of the most powerful noble house of the Empire, they’ve had responsibilities on their shoulders the minute they were born. Sometimes you feel like they’re more metal than they are human but then are their glowing orange eyes tell otherwise. It’s a game of prey and hunter where you are clearly the hunted and yet you have a feeling that they’re protecting you. That the chains around your wrists are to hold you in, close to them so they can keep you safe.

  6. Ziv Kayanir (M/F)
    Black hair, light brown skin, dark brown eyes. A parvan and your childhood best friend. They are the kindest, warmest person you’ve ever known and when the world came crashing down, they took a shot for you. Though a lot has changed and so did they. Their eyes have a dangerous glint and are no longer the soft chocolate you remember. You’ve both got your demons but now the support bridge is gone. Once upon the time, just the thought of blood would make them tremble but now they barely register a emotion when they wade through pools of blood.A lot was left unsaid between you and from time to time, you still see the old Ziv peek through.

  7. ???
    Silver hair, violet eyes and porcelain skin.
    They’re…important.

Update log

14 January 2022: Chapter 3
1 February 2022: Chapter 4 added and changed the intro images.

To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/go/10144

309 Likes

I’ll try and check back with a fuller review in a while, but I wanted to give some preliminary feedback - the sci-fi tag caught my eye!

Your storytelling is quite smooth - there are very few awkwardly placed words or phrases, which makes for a lovely read. I also like the structural balance, with just a couple sentences per paragraph and isolated lines which are satisfying, not sparse, and yet not so clumped together that one gets tired of reading thick paragraph after paragraph. I also do like the chapter cover graphic; it’s simple, but eye-catching and efficient.

I have but one small complaint - I thought the first gender selection choice was regarding MC, since we had just picked their name, but it turns out it wasn’t. Then again, it was made pretty clear if the reader doesn’t skim and catches the part where you are seeing the other kid.

Best of luck :white_flower:

4 Likes

@Ray_Mithun Found this:

choicescript_stats line 73: bad label characters

choicescript_stats line 77: bad label relationships

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Omg, I love this! The writing is superb :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:just the right balance between world building and character building.
I am going to stalk the hell out of this!

You seem to have plotted the world very well. The little details are really giving the extra immersion. I often find myself getting bored fast with world building but I was captivated by your writing.

I am so happy about the genre. It is not an easy one to write. But you seem to know where the story is going and paired with your writing I belief you are going to do great.

What feedback are you looking for?
I did not have any problems and flags. The save system is working.

I am looking forward to meet the cast.

2 Likes

Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a positive response but thank you. :sweat_smile:

Thanks for pointing it out, I’ll add those with the next update.

Grammar, spelling but also more about the pacing. What I can improve on writing wise? Does it feel too wordy or options for a choice…my list is endless really. Everything to iron out the kinks.

3 Likes

• I noticed some choices end in full stops while others don’t. For a cleaner look, I’d keep it consistent.
• The Caroun gel enhances it’s texture…… → should be “its texture”. Also, this seems like an abundance of full stops.
• I’ve never enjoyed a description of a bath so much. That was nice.
• Not that you could get lost here . → there’s an unnecessary space before the full stop.
• If your father’s on his guard….you can’t trust these people either.

“Commander Lear and his….daughter…” → in general, I think tricolons are best avoided, but when they are used… They should look like this.
• Careful to not cut your skin against the sharp edges → should be “careful not to”
• The “riddle” with the bear is strange and, well, doesn’t seem much like a riddle. Also, I’d change up the dialogue a bit after each failed attempt. It doesn’t make sense for the MC to ask “How is this relevant?” more than once.
• The sexuality selection:
You are attracted to Females.
You’re attracted to males.
You’re bisexual.
You’re pansexual.

Females is unnecessarily capitalised, and anyway, “males” and “females” seems dehumanising - I’d substitute it for men and women. And is there a distinction between bisexual and pansexual?
• How does my sexual preference matter?" → should be “How does my sexual preference matter?”
• Do you think Orion was innocent or was he trully a Midar. → should end in a question mark

Now this is what I like, a detailed list. :grin:

I try.

So I should capitalize the letter after I put the tricolons?

“Commander Lear and his…Daughter.”

Point taken. I’ll be changing it to “dilemma”.

You’re right, I’ll be changing that.

Bisexuality is when you’re attracted to both men and women, it doesn’t include non-binary people or trans people.

Pansexuality is when you’re more attracted to the personality irrespective of birth gender or gender identity. This includes non-binary people, trans people and of course men and women.

It’s actually a common doubt, I didn’t know the difference till a friend of mine came out as NB and pansexual.

3 Likes

No, it’s not necessary.

But isn’t that a transphobic definition? Surely transgender women are women and transgender men are men? I’m not trying to rope anyone into an argument, but what’s the difference in game between these two choices? Will players who choose bisexual be unable to romance trans or non-binary characters? Will the option automatically make all romance options cisgender?

1 Like

I love your story especially our overprotective dad :joy:, anyway when I click on the relationship stat it shows an error

I think they are rather interchangeable. Bi people are attracted to people of a similar or different gender, so depending on the person that could include trans individuals. However, that depends on what the bi-sexual person’s preference is. So someone creating a bi-sexual character might not view their choice of bi-sexuality as inclusive of trans people and thats on them.

Whereas pan-sexual is a clear choice of being romantically interested in someone regardless of gender identity or biological sex.

To me, Bi-sexuality seems more subjective to who the person themselves feel themselves attracted to. Whereas pansexuality is more objective in the sense it is any individual regardless of identity or biological sex.

Hope this document helps, I found it and its what cleared things up for me.

Alternatively, Skoliosexual could be an option for attraction to only non-binary individuals.

2 Likes

So do I change the options? Or is it okay to keep it the way it is?

What I might suggest is instead of applying labels like bi-sexual. You could do what most I’ve read do and thats something along the following.

Who are you attracted to?

  1. I am attracted to Females
  2. I am attracted to Males
  3. I am attracted to Male and Females
  4. I’m attracted to neither.
  5. I’m attracted to everyone.

Or something along the lines of that, therefore people who might not adhere to ‘bisexual’ or ‘pansexual’ or even ‘heterosexual’ can pick an option closest to what they feel represents their interests.

A bit vaguer yes, but a lot less prescriptive for people who may not identify as easily.

Of course, it is your book, so do as you wish. And I’d likely get more than just my opinion on this in case I missed anything. Hope this helps :slight_smile:

2 Likes

The Ro’s gender is based on your sexual preference, so if you pick the bisexual option, the Ros will be set as both men and women. But in the pansexual option, the three Ro’s I’ve coded as NB.

1 Like

It helps plenty. :slightly_smiling_face: :+1:

1 Like

I can’t look at the characters as it leads to error.

Not only do I feel a touch of star wars, but a bit of dune to love the story can’t wait for more.

Just finished my first playthrough and at intial passing I think the more obvious things have been pointed out all ready. :smiley:. So that essentially leaves me with this love what you got going on and I’m looking forward to seeing what is going to unfold and how our characters get to interact with it all. So I shall be keeping a eye on your games progress really well done writing and story leaves me wanting more.

As a bi nonbinary person, I feel like that definition is both biphobic and transphobic (not calling anyone here biphobic or transphobic ofc!) bisexuality has always included trans and nonbinary people, the main difference I find of pansexuality and bisexuality is really of personal preference of what you choose to go by! That and bisexual people might have a slight preference to a certain gender, however it always has included trans people.

6 Likes

Which is where issue can stem. Everyone defines and views definitions differently. I think having labelled options leads to more of this, where having people choose who their MC is interested in is a far better option.

4 Likes

Sounds interesting