Jupiter 42 (WIP)

In Jupiter 42 you play in the not so distant future when humanity mostly moved to the space station, the Jupiter 42. Join your fellow crewmates to discover the truth behind your cousin’s death and find the station’s dark secrets.

Make friends, and maybe even fall in love.

The first Chapter is now available, so it’s not long at the moment, but bear with me and there’ll be more before you know it.

The demo is available here.

You can find me on my tumblr or my twitter.

98 Likes

Interesting premise so far. I like the space station, “making a new home” variation of sci-fi, so this seems to be hitting that beat well. I think you put in some good little details that feel believable and help ease me into the setting of what that life might be like. No terribly strong opinions on the characters or main plot yet, but I feel like the setup seems strong so far. :slight_smile:

miscellaneous suggestions

These are just a few things I thought as I was reading through. You’re totally welcome to take or leave any or all of these, but I figured I mention them in case they’re useful to you. I also didn’t pick up on any typos or formatting stuff, so not much to add on that.

I understand that the MC disobeyed orders by looking at something during a flight, but I don’t understand how that got his crewmates injured. It might be worth explaining that a little bit more, maybe flashing back to the scene or something?

The scene leading up to meeting Sterling jumps from the MC talking to their aunt, thinking to themselves, and then suddenly Sterling is speaking. I didn’t realize my character had gone anywhere or really what they were even doing (though I understand later that MC doesn’t actually know what errand they’re on, either). Anyway, it might be worth smoothing out that transition a little?

Besides that I was fairly happy with the story’s flow and mood and stuff. Looks like a good start, and I’m looking forward to what you have next!

4 Likes

Thank you for the feedback. A flashback is definitely something that will be happening in future, and I’ll maybe have another look at that scene to see how I can make it clearer. Glad you’ve enjoyed what there is so far :slightly_smiling_face:

4 Likes

“I’m met by a tall woman with dark skin a thick mane if jet black hair.” One typo. Should be “of jet black hair”

“Blake, huh?” The man holds out his hand. “I’m Sylvia.” I chose female, still says “man”

I totally relate to the the 6’2 and above makes hugs awkward haha, nice addition. (6’3 is a tough life)

It’s short, but enjoyable. I’ll be sure to keep tabs on this, keep up the good work! :grin:

4 Likes

Thank you for letting me know. I’ll fix this asap and I’m glad you enjoy it so far!

2 Likes

You’re hitting all my favorite tropes, I’m excited for this one :+1:

3 Likes

this is very sweet!! I really liked it, definitely bookmarking to come back later on.

things I would like to explore is why mc lives with their relatives instead of parents, though I’m sure that’ll later be explained. and also after floyd’s death, I think it’d be better to add different reaction options. people deal and cope with grief differently. it’d make sense for my mc who’s an emotional person to cry, but some people don’t let their emotion out easily. researching more about the psychology of grief can help you plenty.

but overall, I liked this! it’s somewhat light-hearted and easy to read.

3 Likes

Thank you!

That’ll definitely be explored and the different reactions is something I’ll look into.

1 Like

Nice Game! very short, but nice :slight_smile:

Floyd dying was very sudden :disappointed_relieved:

2 Likes

That was adorable!

Loved the storyline with the brother. I felt the pain when he said he was going to leave and MC felt like they wouldn’t have anything left. Should have caught on the twist of his death sooner, what with the happy intro!

Why does he not want the MC to join them? :frowning:

I did find a few small mistakes!

Summary
  • "Exactly." he looks to me over his shoulder.
    -> From what I know it should be either “‘Exactly,’ he” or “‘Exactly.’ He”
  • ${ro2} lets out a soft laugh before their eyes drag over me slowly
    -> This might be a style choice, but instead of their you could already use the chosen pronouns? :slight_smile:
  • “The bodies recovered and identified were those of:
    669-4250
    467-4444
    174-3729
    928-4321
    117-9875”
    -> This shows up all in one line when playing. You have to put a *line_break so it skips to the next line.
  • “It suits you,” I say, stopping to lean against the lockers. When {ro1_xhe}** looks to me I give **{ro2_xim}, what I hope is, a charming smile.
    -> threw both ROs in that sentence :wink:

Excited and eager to read more!

2 Likes

Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed, and thank you for the feedback. I’ll get around to fixing these asap!

2 Likes

Found a improperly structured sentence.

“Work related injures are rare on (can’t remember this part) are a rare occurrence on”.

May I suggest taking out the first “are rare on”?

Another thing every time the name of the space station comes up it says “The Jupiter 42” which is okay when we are first introduced to it. Like at the start of the book. But after that it just interrupts how the story flows. For example it is like me saying “The demon is a space station like no other.” When I first introduce it, then later saying “The demon has crashed into an asteroid belt.”

May I suggest keeping it as The Jupiter 42 when you first introduce the space station. However after that just say Space station Jupiter 42/ Jupiter 42. And take out the “The”.

I enjoyed reading this chapter! Can’t wait to read more :smile::smile:

Really like this so far, a strong start am interested to see where it’s going next.

I believe that one of the attributes is not working as properly as it should. My character’s charming trait increases instead of intimidation. Especially, when I’m trying to make my character appear intimidating and reserved.

This topic was automatically closed 60 days after the last reply. If you want to reopen your WiP, contact the moderators.