Ohhhhhhh! No you didn’t!
That gives me an idea for a skit…
@faewkless , this one’s for you, brother!
Intermission Skit 1: One Time Too Many
Late One Evening
Faewks held a glass of sweet tea and rocked slowly in my chair.
I took a sip of the tea and continued to watch Packet; Packet was once again near the edge of the property, barking at the rather hungry-looking bears.
Muton opened the screen door and stepped unto the porch.
“I dun told that dog not to do that,” Faewks said to Muton. “One of these days, that dog is gonna piss off the wrong bear.”
Muton reached into my pockets and retrieved a stick of gum; I unwrapped the gum and popped it into my mouth.
“‘Naw, ain’t nothin’ like that gonna happen,” Muton said. “Those bears are about as docile as a bear could be.”
“Which,” Faewks said. “Ain’t very docile.”
“Eh,” Muton said. “It dun matter. Ain’t ever really stepped foot on my land. Besides, all it takes is a good warnin’ shot from one of them there boomsticks and those bears’ll clear right on out.”
Packet continued to bark at the bears, fearlessly standing mere feet from the gathering of grizzlies.
“Ain’t it sorta creepy, though?” Faewks said. “The way I gather 'round and just sit there like that? Heck, I don’t think I ever seen that many bears grouped together, me?”
“'Naw,” Muton said.
“'Bout how many of me are there?” Faewks asked.
“I’m countin’ about seven or eight…” Muton said.
“Gee,” Faewks said. “Ain’t no reason for me to be here. What makes me sit out there all day like that?”
Muton scratched my head.
“I iunno,” I said. “I dun think I got a vendetta against the doggie, do I?”
“'Naw,” Faewks said. “I dun said it myself, those bears ain’t much in the way of troublemakers. I’d even say I’s a bit of a scaredy cat.”
Muton yawned and stretched.
“Anyway, I’m headin’ in for bed” I said. “Dun forget to let the doggie in this time, 'kay?”
“Awwww,” Faewks said. “That was one time. Ain’t nuthin’ come of it.”
“Good,” Muton said as I entered the cabin. “I wanna make sure it stays that way.”
Faewks grumbled to myself as the door closed.
Packet laughed maniacally as I continued to bark at the grizzlies.
I didn’t seem to notice that one of the bear’s eyes momentarily glowed red.
Packet bared my teeth and snarled at the bears, daring me to enter my domain.
No bear took the challenge.
Satisfied, I began to strut back to the cabin. Those bears had nothin’ on me.
About halfway back to the house, Packet froze.
I thought I had seen Faewks on the porch just moments ago, but I was nowhere to be seen.
Even worse, the screen door was closed, and the front door was shut.
“Muthaf**ka!” Packet squawked in horror. “Gawddamnit, Faewks!”
Packet heard a rustlin’ noise behind me; I turned my neck to see.
The bears had followed me into the yard.
“Not this sh** again!” Packet yelped as I bolted to the front door; the bears were hot on my heels.
I reached the porch and began to furiously scratch the screen door and hysterically yap.
“DOGGIE OUTSIDE, MAN INSIDE!” Packet howled. “SOMETHING WRONG HERE!!!”
“OPEN UP, LET ME IN!”
I looked behind me; the bears were getting closer.
“I’m gonna eat me!” Packet screamed as I bounded off the porch and began to run around the house.
The bears and I completed a few laps circlin’ the cabin.
Packet looked behind me as I ran.
“Oh, c’mon friends!” I screamed to the bears. “If I leave me alone, I’ll have a big juicy steak waitin’ for me in the mornin!’”
One of the bears roared; I ran faster.
“Stupid, useless humans!” Packet shouted aloud. “How in the hell do I sleep through a sixteen-thousand pound stampede!”
Packet began to put some distance between me and the bears; I took the opportunity to bark at Faewks’s window.
Faewks was fast asleep in my bed.
“Hey, big dummy!” I screamed madly. “I pulled this sh** again! What did Muton tell me about-”
Packet paused as I saw my squeaky toy in Faewks’s mouth.
“Daphuck!” I barked. “So I’m the one who stole my chew toy! Wait 'til I get my paws on me!”
Packet then noticed that the bears were catching up.
I leapt off the ledge and ran around the house a few more times.
I then went to Bed’s window.
“Bed!” Packet cried. “Wake up! Wake the f**k up!”
But, it was no use. Bed never left bed; Packet cursed myself for forgetting that principle.
I abandoned Bed’s window and began to sprint again.
I gotta get to Muton’s window, Packet thought, but quickly stopped dead in my tracks.
One of the bears had wised up and had run around the house - in the other direction.
“Gawddamn flankers,” Packet mumbled as the bears began to circle me.
I looked left, and then looked right - that’s when I saw an open window!
“So long, suckers!” I yipped as I doved for sweet freedom.
I smacked headfirst against the closed window.
Packet wobbled, dazed and confused.
“I hate me, Windex,” I mumbled.
The bears began to slowly close in.
Welp, ain’t no gettin’ out of this situation.
With nothing left to lose, Packet screamed one final defiance at the grizzlies:
“I HOPE I CHOKE ON MY BONES, B-”
Then, nothing but sounds of howling, crunching, and bears choking on doggie bones.
The Next Morning
Faewks yawned as I spat out the squeaky toy.
I stretched, got out of bed, put on my housecoat and headed out to fetch the newspaper.
Faewks stepped out unto the porch and froze.
"Gawddamnit, forgot to let the dog in again," I said as I noticed the doggie leg.