Hvala (WIP, Temporary Title)

Hello. I’m working on a CS game based on an original world that I created for use in RPGs. This will be my first time writing any a game or anything longer than a short story, so please bear with me.

It’s a semi-fantasy story. You play a Coatl, a mostly reptilian/humanoid race that lives on the mostly desert world of Hvala. They are a not very advanced, clan-based, theocratic society made up of settlements around oases. They worship Quetzalcoatl, the winged-snake, as their Creator-God, but aside from its name/snakeishness it is not based on Aztec mythology. They’re mostly element worshipers (Water/Plants/Metal/Sand) and all have the capacity for visions (except the exiles who are a special case). There is some magic, but other than the Priesthood, it is mostly limited to secret names, and is usually restricted to spiritual purposes.

The basic story is that there is an another previously unknown race called the Queetz (working name), who live in a jungle at the north pole (really need a better name). They are telekinetic and very magically and/or scientifically advanced. They are smaller than the Coatl (possibly batfrogs), and therefore haven’t needed to expand much until now. They are doing something (possibly involving terraforming - need ideas) that will threaten the safety of the Coatl and/or Hvala itself. Your character will receive a vision instructing them to go there and try to avert the threat in some way (short of destroying the Queetz). You have a choice of being winged (in the Priesthood), unwinged (average citizen), and if you want to be an exile (the hard version.) You will be required to bring an exile or vice versa with you.

This will probably be more of a character/story-based thing than an actual game sort of game.

It’s in a very begining stage right now. I need to flesh out the background/prologue and I don’t really know what I’m going to do for the main part of the game.

Suggestions and corrections are welcome. I would like to know if anymore explanations are required eiher in-game or as an index in the stats screen (other than the places where I’m using fillers. Like when I say “Describe vision”). I would like to know if the order of explanation might need to be changed. I’m having a bit of a paragraph break issue with the stats screen, but then there’s no pretty graphs or anything yet. Plot/grammar corrections/prettifying the game/stat ideas are all welcome.

Also, I have two pictures of the Skalen breed if people are interested. I think that’s everything.

Hehe almost forgot the link: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/9632070/web/mygame/index.html

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I Wouk love to have a look at the pics

Also I will try out your game later on really busy!

Sounds good

I don’t think aliens would 'ave the same god name as the Aztecs…

@Bagelthief Why not?

@Bagelthief Perhaps their language is similar, or maybe he got bored with the Aztecs… :stuck_out_tongue: Technically aliens wouldn’t be speaking English either (or have names based in Arabic/Spanish/Latin).

That should give you some idea. I didn’t manage to show that they have fangs, and that they don’t have tails. Also not all males are bald. And there are some variations in colouring, especially the Veren. It’d be nice to have art for the other breeds too…

Also gives you some idea of the names - Di’oka (public name + priestess title) S’adbhasha (birthname - clan bhasha) Vesna (secret name)

And Nazirhatim is technically only Nazir, since he’s an exile.

@Smeet I usually don’t like completely alien settings with no humans, but this is quite interesting.

Other than being reminded of that God-awful new Indiana Jones movie (through the queer mix of aliens and Mesoamerican savages), I rather like the prospect. The problem I have, thus far, - other than the obvious lack of depth, which is understandable given the early stages, - is threefold:

The first being my concern that by having too many superficially grounded distinctions (between the feathered and the feline, for example), your game will lose a sense of solid grounding, - which, I maintain, is essential for good world-building.

The second is whether you’ll be able to keep a solid plot, with meaningful choices, whilst retaining as many options as you presently offer.

And the third is more general, in that I find your writing style to be far too descriptive. The “This is how things are like” focus is far too blunt, and needs to be mixed in with a personal narrative, and greater eloquence.

@Drazen - thank you. On your second point - I think I’ve already decided to cut the wingless path as unnecessary. Plus it makes more sense for the plot for the non-exile (and the exile too) to be winged.

On the third point - that’s possibly because of the necessity for a solid background, but I’ll see what I can do.

The first point - the breeds are mostly cosmetic, but I might put some differences in later. The secret name is related to their culture/spirituality and will come into play later. The public name and to a lesser extent the clan name will be a source of tension between the exile and the non-exile. And also the elements and from that their career choices will be the skills-type stats. They’re also important to their spiritual magic (another good reason to cut the wingless) and to the end-game.

And hopefully it won’t be at all like Indiana Jones. They’re more paganistic/shamanistic anyways. They’re more of an organized spirituality than a religion per se, but I’m hoping to have that all come out in action. And no sacrifices.

Very good game. I like how we don’t have to be a human. The games with a non-human protagonist are often the best in my view. It’s early stages so I wouldn’t worry about making it an instant masterpiece. I try to write down a plot idea or character in a sloppy fashion whenever I get an idea for them and go back to refine the it all once I’m more focused.

As for the wings, if you cut the wingless, then what about large/small wings? Large wings letting you fly briefly and making you more magical while Small Wings have less magic but you are stronger/ more agile then a Big-Wing.

That talking about wings makes me feel like eating chicken =))


I think you need to slow down a bit on the game and read through everything because I think you are able to add a bit more detail

But everything else is good

Actually the wings are more symbolic, the Coatl are not built for flying. (Lots of walking.) It’s the breed that determines wing size. And there is room for possible conflict between clans during the journey. Some of that based on physical differences and how close they think that brings them to the creator. The wing size for interest’s sake goes Pelz < Skalen < Veren. And most of the cosmetic-based arguing would be between Skalen and Veren. It’s the fact that those with wings are taken into the priesthood that’s important.

It’s the element that determines the type of magic to a degree. The strength is related to spirituality, which is also a little related to the element. But it’s not flashy magic like fireballs and such. Most of their magic involves visions, which is also what their entire culture is based around. There is also magic involved in the secret name - sort of similar to how witches could have power over you if they knew your true name. It’s very much sympathetic magic and shamanistic nature/spirit-based magic.

I intend it to be more developed in-game, if at all, but here’s some basic characteristics of elements:

Water - the river, flows, most spiritual, blood magic, full of life, tend to be leaders/healers, best priests, most likely to be winged
Plants - herbs/spices/mushrooms, spacey, most mystical, smoke magic/visions, tend to be prophets/tinkers, tend to bond to water
Metal - the blade, direct, grounded, tend to be warriors/smiths, unmagical, strong
Sand - the heat/desert, most common, tend to be labourers, least likely to be winged, determined, earthy, wholesome.

The magic itself is not going to be important really, except visions. The important part will be the conflict between the non-exile and the exile, which is also where the game should get more personal. And the meeting of the Coatl and the Queetz. In fact that meeting should overshadow the fact that the Queetz might accidentally destroy the work. (That could take some doing.)

I do need to make the game more personal in the beginning, probably fleshing out their childhood and apprenticeship with something.

Sounds awesome. Could we add in lightning/storm though I love that power.

If we are tinkers/alchemists can we make a clockwork robot?

Agreed. ^^^

@Beezlebub No, the elements were very carefully chosen as to what desert-dwellers wold find most important. There’s a reason fire’s not an element, for example.

@God_of_Demons Not exactly. For one thing they’re not that advanced. And two, they’re more herbalist-tinkers than anything mechanical. They experiment with plants, possibly biology - they’re more likely to make zombies than robots (not that they’re gonna do that either).

I’m looking at revamping this, so it’s more personal in the beginning, and hopefully I be able to explain things better that way. Right now I’m just doing story legwork to see if everything makes sense.

But could a tinker make handheld devices that do impressive things? Or do they only tinker with plants?

That’s great! The more The reader cares about the world and it’s inhabitants the better!

The tinker bit is more an example of their personality. In-game if you choose the plant element, you’re an alchemist.

At the end you meet the Queetz, and they’re more likely to be gadgety, so it’s possible your character might learn something from them, while they’re trying to stop them.

That’s good enough I just want something a little techy. :stuck_out_tongue: