Oftentimes it’s all three.
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They do.
Look, my mother and I work with abused people, usually children. Do you know how many have been abused by a person older than them? Almost all. It’s “uncle’s little secret” or “grandpa’s only teasing” or “my older brother’s friend said all older kids do it”.
They all have this knowledge, even if they don’t choose to use it. It’s a threatening prospect. In a turbulent time such as teenage development or young adulthood it is very easy to be taken advantage of so that someone gets the sex or trust or money that they want, if they are a twisted person, whereas with two people of similar age it is often less likely.
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These are worst case scenarios you are bringing into a conversation about two consenting adults being in a relationship.
An 18 year old with a 40 year old is not the same in anyway to a child that has been sexually assulted by a family member (or otherwise)
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The 40 year old has power over the 18 year old. The 18 year old is still hormonal, has a still-developing brain, is perhaps still living with their parents and not financially stable, while the 40 year old is old enough to be their father or mother, often has a house, a job, is well-established in their community and self-sufficient - all positions of power.
I’m not saying “all 40 year olds will abuse the 18 year olds they date” but you have to consider why they are going for this person - a person young enough to be their child - over anyone their own age or even slightly younger. This person is still a teen. Their brain is still developing. Their life is not stable, they are not used to life as an adult yet.
A 40 year old to a 20 year old is not a 45 year old to a 25 year old. These years are a major difference in human cognitive development.
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I know this. I’m also against people taking advantage of mentally ill, homeless, etc. other positions of power over the people they enter relationships with, Eiwynn, but I didn’t bring it up because that would be off-topic; the topic is “age”.
Objectively speaking, a 20-year-old’s brain is still developing. This development starts in the early teen years and continues through to the mid twenties. It’s also when a human being becomes settled in their society and moves into a state of adulthood that they have to rapidly adjust to: getting jobs, housing, etc.
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This is a gentle reminder to please keep conversations directed at the topic at hand and not at the individuals themselves. Focusing replies on the individuals themselves instead of the topic at hand can lead to friction between members and often causes the thread to derail.
Please also remember that it is often not so much what ones opinion is that causes friction, but how one chooses to express that opinion. Using negatively-charged value words are a good way to start friction, as is generalization and sniping. Personal comments lead to friction and flaming.
Sniping back and forth will often lead to the system closing the thread down, let’s avoid this if we can.
Finally, if you see disrespectful posts please do not reply to them. Rather, please use the report feature and let forum staff deescalate friction.
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Yeah sorry about all this we both kinda lost track of the actual point of this thread.
I do apologize for any thing i may have put up that may have been mean or harmful to an individual. That was not at all my intention
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There is something that makes me very uncomfortable about the expression ‘’ being legal ‘’. Being legal differs in different countries although in general it’s usually around 18 years old, but even so, I think it’s a somewhat predatory way to understand the concept of consent, after all a person who has just turned 18 doesn’t become automatically an adult just because the law conceives it that way, in fact, its psychological and physical development is still in process.
So, even if the law says that something is ok it doesn’t mean it’s right.
Also, speaking of the psychological maturity and the development of the brain the relationships of couples with large age differences in certain stages of life (I mean for example a person of 20 with another of 30, one of 25 with another of 35, of 20 with 26 … etc) are something that need caution. Regardless of whether each person can be considered mature or not, the brain develops in time, it’s true that different social situations or experiences can change your perspective of things and make you understand life better, but as I said the brain has its stages of maturation and if I remember correctly the nervous system becomes relatively stable at 27-30, more or less, therefore being adult and being fully aware of your actions is not based on ‘’ being legal ‘’ .
Finally another thing that I will say in regards to the age gap is that we must also take into account the stages in which each person is, for example a person of 20 years is still in college while a person of 30 is already working and it is supposed to have some stability, therefore power dynamics could appear even unconsciously and not necessarily maliciously.
What I want to say is that ‘’ being legal ‘’ goes beyond the legal age of your country and that the relationships of couples with different ages should be considered carefully and seeing several factors beyond the law. I, for example, wouldn’t be comfortable reading an story where I’m 20 yo and the RO’s are 27/30 or older, I would feel really creeped out since we’re on different stages of life and maturity. But for example if I’m 32 and my RO’s are 40, that would be something different since we’re both adults in every sense of the word.
And the last thing I would like to say, just be careful of what you write, there are enough movies, books… that romaticize big age gaps and that’s really harmful specially to teenagers.
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Here’s an article with sources of the papers right at the end (you might need to scroll down for a while).
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With respect, I’d say it doesn’t. If the law of the land says someone is legal, they’re legal. Whether it would be ethical or moral to pursue a relationship with that person is another matter, and is much more subjective. Given that the laws themselves are relatively arbitrary as @Laguz points out, I’m not certain where you would draw the line to say that a given relationship is legally permissible, but objectively morally unacceptable.
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There are also a lot of variances in age of consent even in one country. The federal AOC is 18, but it’s 17 in Missouri, and even down to 16 in certain states, etc. In the 70s, the AOC was 14 in many states…which is a great example of how many laws are as stupid and gross as people are and have little to do with morality.
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The safest option, probably, in order to avoid being a target for people from both sides of the argument trying to impose their own personal set of morals on you, is to avoid mentioning age at all. Just call all the participants adults and let the readers imagine what they want. There’s no way to keep everybody happy.
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What I was trying to say by all the legality thing is that laws are not always ok, for example here in Spain the laws permit to evict people from their homes but that’s completely wrong.
Again, what I intend to indicate is that the law should not always be an unquestionable code of conduct and that many times, and legality doesn’t mean something is right.
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And this is what I was trying to address on my post, we think that when someone is 18 they’re automatically adults just because the law says so, but they literally just finished high school and (even if they think they’re mature) the’re still mentally and psychologically developing so I just think there should be more things to take on regard apart from ‘‘being legal’’.
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Of course, being 12 minutes older is not a gap and I don’t think anyone has said that when discussing this matter.
I think this is the best way to portray the characters so everyone can be comfortable.
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It was a exaggeration to prove the point. 18 to 20 or 21 is not a gap either but people seem believe There are millions of years
Hmmm, this is a touchy subject. In real life, I feel like if one of the partners feels the need to say something along the lines of, “You’re really mature for your age!” there’s a big ick factor.
There’s also the concern of “is this grooming?” Also, why is the older person having trouble finding someone their own age to date?
Realistically, as long as it is two consenting adults, it doesn’t matter, but at the same time…When I was 18 and dating a 24 year old, it often felt predatory. He was obsessed with my virginal, “pure” status.
If it is done properly - two people who just enjoy being around each other - it can be fantastic. I would just be wary of using any sort of predatory dialogue or allowing either party to fetishize the age gap. That’s…icky.
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I’m in a US state where the AOC is 16 with a Romeo and Juliet clause to protect certain age ranges (anyone up to 20 in a sexual relationship with anyone under 16). So essentially, if you’re a teenager and the partner is at least 14, you’re unlikely to face prosecution. There’s a lot of ifs/ands/buts involved.
When I was 14, I had twin classmates who both got pregnant our ninth grade year. Both had boyfriends over 18. One boyfriend went to jail and one didn’t, and the primary reason for the one who didn’t get prosecuted was that he had been in a relationship with the girl prior to his 20th birthday and her parents were aware of the relationship and to all appearances gave consent. It also helped that he took responsibility for the child, even taking on full custody when the girl realized a baby is not a toy and didn’t want to raise it.
The other boyfriend might have at least gotten charged with a misdemeanor versus a felony if he’d at least admitted to the relationship, but he lied and she lied (implying a boy her own age was the father, to the point the poor kid had to take a paternity test to prove his innocence).
So in the US, AOC is scarily complicated.
In the right scenario, age gaps even with young adult ROs/MCs can work, if the younger party is especially mature (usually due to having to grow up fast). I’ve a cousin who married a 45 year old at age 18 and they are still supremely happy 17 years later (he has two children older than she is). My aunt married a man 12 years older with 5 children he had full custody of when she was 18 and they remained happily married for 42 years until he passed away last year.
Being the same age or within a certain range doesn’t guarantee success or even similar interests, since hobbies, cultural background, ambitions, etc can all tank things no matter what age difference exists.
I played a game recently with a sweet and lovely puppy of an RO, and the game allows for setting up the MC’s age as implied to be relatively close if you wanted it that way. But despite the legal maturity of the RO, his personality and emotional maturity meant that I kept wanting to adopt him as a kid brother or too-close-in-age offspring. On the flip side, there was an older RO who had the emotional maturity of a fifteen year old on the romance side of things, and that was a huge, huge turnoff.
It just reflects back on emotional maturity vs physical age being a key point for me. If you have a teen/young adult RO whose behavior makes you double check to see if you’re remembering their age correctly, even a larger age gap doesn’t bother me. But if the teen/ya RO is acting like they ought to be running around the cast of a teenybopper Disney show, then an age gap of more than a couple of years would be very uncomfortable.
And yeah, no commentary on either’s age being a lure for the other, because that does kinda enter weird territory, especially coming from a much older partner.
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Yeah, my grandfather and step-grandmother met when she was 18, and he was around 35. They’ve been married for several decades, have three awesome kids (one of whom is younger than me, one of whom is my age, and one of whom is only a few years older than me. It is a strange dynamic), and are in an all-around healthy relationship. She fixed my grandfather, tbh.
On the other hand, there are situations where people get used. And don’t get me started on gold diggers and stuff. They’re just as icky.
Honestly, the age and power dynamics can be a lot of fun to play around with and write, for the psychological exercise.
End line, though, consenting adults are consenting adults. We literally can’t tell someone no in that situation.
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I think…well…one question that should be asked before we spiral in a ‘what are the law for age of consent in my corner of the world’’ …
Is…why would you write a romance with such a difference in age ? .
If you write a story about going to the academy, no sweat . Usually everyone is a clone in age .
But what about the rest ?
I’m writing a story right now, between two ladies . One is 28 and the other is 38 .
My reason ? I gave the 38 a Job . Chief of Police…and while I hate numbers…thats the number that popped in my head .
dunno…you gotta be of a certain age to have reached that position . Also I didnt want her to be '‘I’m near retirement’ lol so in the between sorta .
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