I just put it in, and revised some other stuff as well. It should work now!
Okay, that issue is fixed!
Buuut I had a game breaking bug now
Anyway, I’ll make my quick report of what I could play through, for now.
In the menus:
I suppose it may be something you’ve planned to do later, but I have noticed the descriptions of the MC in the Stat Screen don’t change even after the mentor picks them up, which means they are still described as a street kid trying to survive another day, being hungry and so on.
Also, Alim’s page in the people of note section is kind of spoilery - I looked at it before anything truly happened so yeah - that’s also the kind of things that are better if updated along with the story events.
When dealing with the twins:
The option to tell them it’s okay to take all the money doesn’t change anything as far as personality or skills are concerned. While I may understand for the skills, isn’t it strange for it not to give any points in warmhearted and/or soft?
When Poldi takes the MC away after that scene:
This is the game breaking bug (it appears when I want to change pages after Poldi says “If you want to see them again, we can’t stop.”:
“originpart2 line 1521: invalid indent, expected at least one ‘choice’”
And well, it gets stuck at that point and I can only refresh the game and restart.
Phew! Alright, I fixed the indentation on that! And You’re right, it was supposed to increase warmhearted and soft, so that is fixed now too! Thank you for being so patient and thorough, I really appreciate your help!
Haha, seems I was almost at the end when the issue occured. Anyway, now I’m done!
I’ve encountered two small typos on the last few pages:
- Right after the scene that was bugged:
“Your home is fairly large and usually there is a steady stream of scholors and officials coming in and out of it.”
Should be “scholars”.
- When Amatus and the kids find the MC:
“I’m just hear to uphold my end of an old bargain.”
I think it was meant to be “I’m just here”.
And I think that’s it - no other bugs or anything!
So, anyway, you’re welcome, and don’t sweat it! The forums are here so issues like that can be spotted and solved!
And now that I’ve reached the end of the WIP, I can actually comment on it.
Basically, I adored it! It seems it will go right into a trope that I love, which is a very nice character (since the game allows that for the MC) forced into a life of crime even if they hate it. I always love the kind of angst stories like that can bring, and it’s all the more satisfying if at the end it’s possible to get out of that life.
That aside, the characters are so lovable? Like, HOW? I mean, I got SO attached to all of them, so quickly - that’s a bit crazy. I think Poldi holds a special place in my heart, from them all - something about him really grabbed my attention.
What helps too is the fact the descriptions - the places, people, scenes, action - have something that’s… I dunno, very vibrant, or alive. Like, they aren’t necessarily the most detailed descriptions I’ve seen in an IF, but they make the world feel alive. And honestly, if it already feels that way with such a short WIP, I’m really eager for more!
Really, aside from the few bugs, which are now squashed, I don’t have any complaints or issues whatsoever for the time being.
Alright I squashed those bugs too! And thank you for your very kind comments! That is exactly what I was hoping to accomplish and definitely the tone I was trying to set at the beginning.
Hopefully my future updates won’t be as buggy, I think it’s the first entry that’s the hardest! Now to figure out the save system!
Hi! I enjoyed the demo so far and look forward to more! I really like the idea of having a poor little street urchin character lol. Here are some minor typos that I found:
It says, the smell “carries reaches” you, I think it is probably just meant to be “reaches” you instead?
- “you could see faintly see”
- “into into”
drag you over “to to” them
“both” is repeated twice in this sentence
This paragraph seems to say that you’ve grabbed the skewer, but then you don’t have it yet, and then you try to grab it but it gets knocked out of your hands.
These two series of paragraphs are repeated twice in a row (starting with “sometimes him playing at being teacher”).
Another thing I noticed is that there are a lot of tense changes. They didn’t lessen my understanding of what was going on but it was rather jarring for me personally. Mainly the issue was with present tense suddenly becoming past tense.
I’m really enjoying this! Looking forward to more
Thank you for reading and I’m glad you enjoyed it! Sorry about the bugs and typos, but thank you for helping me catch them!
At the beginning of the story right now, decided to play as a cheery and charming, if naive, kid and MY HEART HAS MELTED WTF!! I want to adopt my the MC- when the painted ladies asked if we had anyone and we could answer with “I see people all the time! like vendors and you!” and then when the MC didn’t know what a relative was… they’re just so I want to protect themmm
Really liking the story so far. It is a very interesting concept. Looking forward to the end.
Well, for once, we agree on something. I really like aloof big bro, or at least that’s what he feels closest to to my mc.
That said if there ever is going to be a reunion my mc would be very reluctant to face Poldi again, particularly if Poldi has gone on to become a famous scholar or scientist while my poor mc has only graduated from locust to rat.
Yeah, I can definitely see how this mc of mine hates it, certainly compared to what might have been.
My mc hates using his skills for crime and to aid in the ever growing corruption and we already know from the blurb that it is only going to get worse once the mc starts getting blackmailed by some idiot noble.
Haha, truly incredible - we’re pretty much on the same wavelenght about everything, this time.
You have a very vivid style, that got me hooked really fast. The characters felt real and were very likeable, so I think it’s easy for reader to feel like those characters mattered to the MC after the prologue.
The descriptions were long enough to get a grasp at the setting and to imagine the city, without being too long and tiring. I’ve become invested really fast. I also want to commend you for the stats page. It’s unusually beautiful.
I have some observations regarding the stats screen though:
Shouldn’t this description change a little after MC is taken by their teacher, especially since it’s already stated in the text, that merchants treat MC differently now?
Personally, I’d also add the return button here too.
I’ve also noticed small problems in the text.
A word missing.
Those problems were very small and rare, but I thought you might want to correct them sooner rather than later.
There also might be a small continuity error here:
I don’t recall talking about green skies if MC decides to be silent. That’s what happens if they call the teacher on their inattention.
And I think there is another one here:
What instrument? Wasn’t Thalia armed?
I also dived into the code, as usual, and noticed this:
If our teacher is Alin then while choosing how the MC feels about his situations we get some increase of stats:
We don’t get those small increases if MC’s teacher is Subira or Kreios.
I also have a question - will you implement save system later?
I really enjoyed the demo, it has a really strong and memorable start to the game. Looking forward to read more and to learn more about the setting and characters.
First of of all thank you so much for your kind words and I’m glad you like what I have so far! Your observations are spot on, and I do intend to go in and address the continuity issues and update the stat page today! Also I do plan on putting a save system in place, I just have to figure out the tutorial
Hey, Reise? Wanna take this WIP on?
Reise raises a skeptical eyebrow from the comfort of the couch.
Oh, yeah. Forgot you’re the “classy” type…
So it’s between Remy & Rayvn, then. Both of you up for this?
Rayvn nods with interest while Remy studies the LI list with a smirk.
Always ready, right Remy?
Well, I imagine my mc may love fancy clothes a bit more than yours and he has probably adopted more of Poldi’s more jerkass mannerisms himself, so he is a bit less tooth-achingly nice.
Other, than that, yeah it is uncanny and my mc is really sad and more than a little bit bitter that his potential future as a scholar or scientist was snatched away the way it was.
By the way what exactly happened to teacher? I have a feeling something he said or did ended up being taken the wrong way by the previous King and his spymaster.
If so my mc is sure to resent the current King and especially his mother.
Wow. This is awesome.
This is really good. I especially love the Prince of Persia vibe I get in the beginning.