Home: Let's Go Back (WIP) (Demo) (Update 20/9/2021)

Can the swordsman have a variety of weapons other than the standard sword?? Because I want to play with a scythe

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If I suddenly appeared in another world with a game like leveling system, you know what I’d think was happening? “Ah frick, I died and someone put my mind in a simulation… Why does this keep happening to me?”

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I like the premise. It seems like it could be fun read/play.

hopefully constructive criticism

A few points -

You can get away with some grammar and spelling mistakes, but too many makes for an awkward read.

Don’t be afraid to bulk out your descriptions more - there are times for ‘action’ scenes and times for ‘descriptive’ scenes. Descriptive text is not just for scene-building, its for clarity as well.

Writing scenes in way to create confusion can be very difficult. You have to be clear on what’s happening to create a jarring sense of wrongness. Because i was confused from the begining, the teleportation scene lost all of its shock value.

Also, i saw someone brought up the ‘black guy’ description. I don’t feel we should be afraid of skin colour descriptions and there is a looot of tasteful colour names to use instead. ( Ones i’ve seen used: chocolate, umber, mocha; the list is long). However there are a lot of unique charateristics you could use as descriptors instead of skin colour, ie. Hair, clothes, tattoos, scars ect.

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I’m really hyped!
I just wanted to ask if there will be something like a reaper role and if you could fight with a scythe.
I didn’t play the demo yet but I really love the idea and that you from the get go have the option to do your own thing and you don’t have like a typical path to go where you must defeat the evil forces.
It’s a big plus in my eyes if stories like that are more realistic or neutral of course you can set-up like a hero scenario but it doesn’t need to be boring and all glorious if you know what what I mean.
Definitely going to bookmark this.

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Hi Aid, thanks for coming in and giving some feedback. I do want to use the 5 senses, but I’m still learning to put it in a use. It’s like when I want to put it, I just don’t know what to write, I do know how the scene look like, how it smell, is it a crowded or not, I just don’t understand too much on how to put it. Mind if you suggest any writings or Hosted Games that I can learn from?


I thought about this too, but since this was in a rush project, I’m putting it so the player won’t be too confused on the stories. I’ll change it later.


There’s quite a lot of missing punctuation marks and capitalization errors.

I thought I had it all covered? I’m using Grammarly for corrections, mind if you tell me some of the fatal one?

Minor spelling error:
“Yes, as in “He” it’s the God Himself, Lupus,” she asnwered .

Like this one :slightly_smiling_face:


There are still many mistakes, for the intros when the MC was still on Earth. I intend to give it more shot and make it more general. Like free choice of what kind of food they usually eat, or their age, so they can go for work instead of school, etc.


For the emojis, I’ll make a poll to see if anyone want it in or not.

Do you like it when the narator talk to you?

  • Write those emojis, it’s funny ಥ_ಥ
  • It’s a little bit annoying, isn’t it?
  • I’m fine both ways.

0 voters


It’s just hard for me to get into it with the writing so far.

I’ll work hard to improve it.

Anyways, thank you for the feedback! Love it :hugs:

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No lone punctuation error is fatal, but too many of those errors scattered throughout the writing is bound to distract readers from the actual story. I noticed a lot of the errors were in the choices themselves, if that helps.

For writings to learn from, it’s better to read a lot than to read very specific ones. To begin with, I think Fields of Asphodel’s WIP has beautiful prose that’s not too complex.

Recently, I read Stephen King’s memoir On Writing and thought that it gave very helpful tips for writing, no matter your level.

Above all, read a lot and read widely, so you can expose yourself to the many types of writing. From there, you’ll be able to pick and choose which aspects you want to include in your own personal style in the future.

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Damn this wip is great and it has potential to grow into one of the greatest.

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Dispora and vanhalla are well-wriiten examples. There’s a few others as well.

I personally use the 5 sense description when i was writting. The trick is to have a detailed scene, i.e. mum in kitchen - what visual details stick out? In this case shes cooking - so you can describe the cooking utensils, a table prepared for breakfast and so forth. What can the character smell? Lets say she’s cooking pancakes, which I always think smell of syrup. You can add other aromas such as tea/coffe or whatever urgent aromas are there. What can they hear? Sizzling of pancakes, music, cars otside ect. What can they feel? Wind on skin, hard surface of chair as they sit; basically anything you think they could touch. Taste is straight forward, if it goes in mouth it can be tasted.

Just remember that you dont have add every detail. Thats not only a lot of work, too much superflous detail can derail a scene.

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If we kill demon king would we have to take his place

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Yeah this is a great idea.
Or we can become the demon lord after going through betrayal or extreme sadness for an RO and killing the demon lord and taking his place.

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There are a total of 32 different jobs you can write down, with 5 different types of weapons (swords, polearms, bow, staff, scythe). So some jobs have limited use of weapons while some can use all types of weapons.

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@snail back again after some sleep lol gave a partial read through of the demo up to the city choice and after a look through of people’s responses here. Most of what I could have said has been said so your now already aware of it so leaves me with not much to say lol.
I can defintly feel the rush aspect of it exspecially in the first few next page text blocks so would say if those can more fully fleshed out would help. Exspecially for those players who want to find a way home it feels kinda lacking at the moment in that regard.
As for the Grammer and punctuation marks lol I’m sure they are there none of can excape them on a first go yet it was the feeling of lacking and rush job so to speak that felt the most jarring of all so the suggestion of the others will go a long way to help :smiley:
Now hmm let’s see what’s one of the things I know when it comes to the meeting of the new worlds so called God I get the feeling of he is more like a demon kinda of plot twist going on there which isn’t a bad thing would love for opportunity’s to learn about the world and lore through the course of play. Exspecially the part where we have 2000 days to kill the demon lord by lupa or we will all die. Yet if I understood it right lupa wouldn’t be the one to do it…though as it stands right now it feels like lupa is threatening the MC and the other people dragged to this world.
While lupa has a agreement with the god of earth and all that makes me wonder why is there a agreement between lupa and God why would they agree in the first place so on and so forth.
like I had said in my first post it has much promise and it’s all the little and big things I see in it that has me wanting to know more so great job on that and will defintly be keeping tabs on your progress.
:smiley:

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Thanks, I will rewrite it so it can be more intense.

I’ll use more unique characteristics in the future, thanks for the feedback!


I’ve put it on the topic, there are 32 different jobs (32 in the current project and 7 in the demo), with 5 different types of weapons (I’ll put it on the “Other” description later). Thanks for the feedback!

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So, if I want like for example a bedroom scene. I can add details, like, the sunlight that comes through the window, the noise of cars outside, the noise of mom’s yelling. But I don’t have to add everything, like, I don’t need to describe that the room has a desk in the corner, with the MC’s backpack and laptop on it. Like that or?

To be honest, I’m still learning in these kind of things. I can put it in words if it’s my native language, but when I put it in English, it goes blank. Help please!

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If you kill the demon king, the story will just end (because that’s the main objective). And it has a lot of connection on the second chapter from the Home Series. So please be patient with me :hugs:

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I had no comment in this (all of your comments), I’ll say you just have to wait for the project to get done and on with the story. I will just say, you’re a genius! Thanks for the support!

Thanks for the support, I will not let you down!

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I would recommend using a writing program like grammarly. There were a few typos and quite a lot of grammatical errors. The descriptions are also kind of bland: “Out of nowhere, a little storm hit your eye, you blink for a second. You open your eyes and all you can see is a white room. (WHAT!)” doesn’t feel like being transported into another world. And the (WHAT!) part is silly and unnecessary - as a rule of the thumb, I’d avoid meta-narration unless it’s necessary to a story’s core.

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I’m using Grammarly here, mind if you drop some of the fatal here? Thanks! I will improve my writings!

I will try and change it to a better phrase. Thanks for the feedback!

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We all have too start somewhere so don’t worry :slight_smile:

You’ve grasped the gist of it. Since your aim is too get the character off to school and abducted you focus on vital details that hold the characters attention. You would only describe the desk, for instance, if your character is somehow interacting with it in some way. However, if the aim is for the character to look around the room the desk/decor would suddenly be important.

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Sure!

The tense you use in your story is obviously your choice, but most interactive fiction uses the present tense for a reason - it’s more immersive. What differentiates a normal story from an interactive one is that the reader is not only an observer, but also an actor in the latter, and in my opinion, the past tense makes that less believable - if the events have already happened, the impact we have on them is negligible, which is why most people prefer reading IF written in the present tense.

Here are some errors I encountered - sorry for not collapsing them, but I’m on mobile and less than tech-savvy. I’ll write the OG sentence and how I’d rewrite it - of course, those are just suggestions.

A woman appeared in her 30s it’s your mother, she rushed you up to wake up → A woman in her 30s appears - it’s your mother, rushing to wake you up.

You walk up to your school since it’s close to your parent’s house. → You walk to school since it’s close to your parents’ house (unless the MC’s mother is their only parent - in this case, parent’s is correct, if a bit confusing. I’d substitute it for mother’s).

“Excuse me, do you might happen to know where we are?” → “Excuse me, do you happen to know where we are?”

You decided to go to where everyone are going to, since it’s saver to be in a group. → You decide to go where everyone else is going (a bit clumsy, but correct), since it’s safer to be in a group.

As you open your eyes, you see a sky. → As you open your eyes, you see the sky.

After a while, "Here’s… → After a while, he says "Here’s…

stay quite → Stay quiet

As you go, you realize that the town is really in a bad shape. → As you head to your destination, you realize that the town is really in bad shape.

I wonder who is Lupus? → I wonder who Lupus is.

Archer, they can attack their enemy in a distance. → Archer: they can attack their enemy from a distance.

Many sentences in general seem to be missing full stops and commas - I won’t point out every instance, but it’s something worth looking into. Also, in general, multiple question marks or exclamation points are not used in fiction.

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