Hollowed Minds (WIP)

I have to agree with all the previous commenters – this prologue was really good! I like that we’re almost immediately thrown into the action; that stuff really catches readers’ attention, especially if written well like yours!

As of right now, I think the only thing that could make this prologue better is if there was a little more clarity upfront as to what we (the main character) are. I would have loved to see a little more inner monologue on this:

Honestly just a sentence or two more on what our character’s relationship with the marshal/with the law is would be enough!

Otherwise, this is definitely something I look forward to reading more of.

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Okay, this was very, very good. Usually, games like these, we need to pay one or two chapters to truly get a sense of the danger we’re facing. But almost the entire prologue kept me gripping. I was really immersed in the story. But like a few others have mentioned above, some places felt a little off.

For example, the explosion. When I read it, I didn’t properly realise the scale of the explosion until the ending. Maybe an expression of horror, or since the MC might be used to these, a dialogue like “If Bale wanted to keep things low, then this definitely isn’t helping” would be better.

And the agent we were supposed to meet. Before entering the building, we were given an option that “I have to go inside if there’s a chance to save her.” But later, even though Richard says she’s alive, the MC and Richard don’t even think about saving her after they go through the items. I understand that it’s a do or die situation they both are in, but at least when we’re jumping off the window, it would be nice if there’s an option that allows us to glance at them and think “I wish I could save her, but there isn’t time.”

And yeah, that plot twist (or is it a plot twist if that’s what causes the story to happen?), damn. The conversation with Richard later after getting away deepens the impact. That scene was beautifully written. I’m really looking forward to the next update!

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The prologue got me hooked! Looking forward to the next update.

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The setup for the MC’s motivation would be on chapter 1 since it feels more fitting for it to be there, and the MC’s opinion about the marshal would be a choice for the reader when the probation actually comes (could also do it in chapter 1 if it would fit). The marshal merely approached them in here due to the MC’s reputation. So at this point, all that the MC knows about the marshal mostly come from rumors.
However, I suppose I could make that clear in the prologue, and I can also describe what the rumors were all about.

Will take care of this. :ok_hand:

Thank you! I can’t believe I actually missed that.

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I like how you get the option to subvert the detective trope of being a heavy drinker and just go in the complete opposite direction and say you don’t drink

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I wish, when deciding the relationship with Richard, it was seperate from whether or not you were fine with his actions as a criminal. I don’t like him, but that’s unrelated. My thought was to add options like that, mixing those parts of the choice instead of only “dislike and lawful”, neutral, and “like and unlawful”.

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I can say that, our protagonist’s actions and thinking (from the texts I chose) reminded me a little bit of Sherlock Holmes (meaning the: perceptions and being able to get through the problem with using enviroment.). + similar to the Breach: The Archangel Job.
I love this!:heart_eyes::yellow_heart:

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All right. I can do that. :slightly_smiling_face:

Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie’s books were some of the first novels I read when I was little, so I’m glad to hear it. :grin:
Haven’t played Breach, though. Will try it in the future.

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Just a little announcement:

The next update (Ch. 1) will be posted around third or fourth week of February. It might come out earlier if things go well and I don’t run into unexpected interruptions (though it may also be delayed if I end up revising a lot on my own), but I decided to give a somewhat conservative estimate to be sure. I wanted to finish it at first by the end of January, but I just recovered from a flu, so I’m taking it easy until the headaches completely go away.

If there’d be no changes in my plans, Chapter 1 would mostly have character interactions + just a little bit of action. You’ll also meet some of the ROs, and you’ll have some glimpses into the lore and MC’s family. The customization of the MC’s appearance will be there, too.

I can’t say anything more that won’t spoil what happens, so I’ll stop there. Still, I can tell you that this is definitely gonna be a fun chapter to write. :grin:

That’s all!

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