I had an idea if you need a reason for use to be familiar with some more people in the game if we are planning to form a Guild or something involving a group of people you could be a part of a guild in different game and you could use the same guild name or if its already made join them ECT.
Okay, honestly I’m a fan of this trope and I think we need it in IF? So good luck to you. I really want to see this make it to the finish.
Now to nitpick because this is the only way I can show my love:
Would’ve liked a “lithe” build for the female characters–tall and thin, preferably without the big chest (agile, if they’re stat builds–long limbs for running, and thin from the constant activity).
You really should put a landing page on the stats screen, even if it’s just “Coming soon” placeholder text, so it doesn’t call an error.
One of my pet peeves is the high school clique thing, but I think that’s because my graduating class wasn’t really clique-y. Still all had our groups and outcasts and bullies, but the star athletes were in the advanced classes (some of our football team tried for Ivy League and medical field), and the ditzy blonde cheerleader was a hardcore fantasy nerd. But if you’re going to do that, mind adding a group for the artists/shop class enthusiasts? (no idea what the stat build is for this game but it feels weird not having the “Creative” group). And the social butterflies. MMOs can draw anyone in.
Now onto grammar and spelling.
First off: watch your tenses. You zoom in and out of present tense quite often (I can pull every instance of it if you want, just didn’t want to make this post longer).
For the first bit
Another day. Your inner monologue habitually sighs as you approach the school building.
Awkward phrasing here. My inner monologue isn’t habitually sighing, I am. Also the phrase “Another day” implies habit here, so you don’t need the awkward “habitually” in there.
Another day, you sigh to yourself as you approach the school building.
Or something. I like making suggestions to emphasize/explain my points so you can decide where I’m full of crap. Regardless, treat the italicized part as “dialogue” when structuring, so a comma separator between it and the descriptor (your inner monologue sighs) and a lowercase “you” following.
Japanese needs to be capitalized for the female name selection.
“Grimace” only has one m, not two.
For the description of Ash
"A fun game. And damnit Ash…
That should be “dammit” or “damn it”.
I’ve told you to stop calling me that." You replied shortly, “You’ve only got a year on me.”
Should be
I’ve told you to stop calling me that," you reply shortly. “You’ve only got a year on me.”
Since you’re replying to Ash with the former statement, not the final, and the final statement is a sentence in its own right.
Then Ash inadvertently interrupts you again, this time by sheer appearance. Ash looks ridiculous.
I know you’re avoiding pronouns here, but using Ash’s name so often is a bit awkward. Try rephrasing to something else. Like (and this also is weird but) “Your friend interrupts your thoughts yet again, this time accomplishing the feat without speaking at all. Ash looks ridiculous…”
For the choices:
His tie was far too loosely tied, as well as the top two buttons undone.
Errors here that end up implying his tie was unbuttoned. Also, you shifted into past tense (always a fun habit to break!) Should be
“His tie is far too loosely tied, and the top two buttons of his shirt are undone.”
Conversation after you assign Ash's gender
His slacks have what looks like stains of something you would rather not know painted about. Finally he is wearing crocs of all things.
“What looks like” and “You would rather not know” are contradictory statements in a sense–the former implies you’re guessing what the stains are, the latter that you’d rather not guess. “His slacks have stains whose origin you’d rather not know” or something. Also, comma after “Finally”.
For the Girl choice:
Her blouse has one too many buttons undone, leaving a little too much exposed. Her skirt has stains from… well something unpleasant. And finally, but certainly not least, she is wearing slippers. Not the glass kind.
Comma after “well” in “well, something unpleasant.” And it should be “And last, but certainly not least” or “And finally”. The mixed idiom doesn’t have the same rhythm to it.
“Your shoes still look ridiculous” You say.
Should be "Your shoes still look ridiculous, " you say.
Ash shrugs, “Not much I can do about that.”
A period after shrugs, since the shrugging is an action independent of his speech.
You checked your phone and silently cursed, “Need to get to class, only 2 minutes left.”
Past tense again. And again, a period after cursed, since “Need to get to class” isn’t technically a curse word, however vile. Also also, “Need to get to class” and “only 2 minutes left” are both independent sentences, so they need a period separating them. Or something like “We have two minutes to get to class” if you want it to be fluid.
In Class
“I see you’ve finally decided to join us.” Mr. Lance says as you walk through the door. Even though his name is just a coincidence, Mr. Lance still likes to pretend he runs the place.
Comma instead of a period in “join us.” Not sure I get the significance of his name, but I could just be an idiot.
Style guide suggests all choices start with a capital letter (a “clean” way to do lowercase is to do ellipses.
Lunch
" probably thinking about ol’ GAO about now."
Typo’d
I may not look it but I’m pretty decent at this school thing
Comma before “but,” since the phrases it separates can both be standalone sentences.
“Right. Just not that getting yourself dressed in the morning thing.” You respond.
Change the period to a comma and lowercase the “you”.
Lots of run-ons in the descriptors for the classes/races. I can do that in more detail if my nitpicking hasn’t made you physically loathe me (I find it helpful to go over in depth. Especially since I haven’t written in awhile and need to dredge up the tricks myself), but a good check is just to see if you can split the “sentence” up into two separate sentences–at which point you need to do so, or else separate with a comma and a conjunction. Another good rule of thumb is to read aloud; if you pause, you might want to consider a period or a comma in that spot.
I think that’s as far as I’m going to go right now. The game seems fun though, and I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes! Best to ya!
4 Likes
The plot looks awesome…Since Log Horizon is your inspiration, are we going to get the option of making the MC “the tactical genius” in the group? If your answer is yes, my MC will totally be the “Villain in Glasses”.
One suggestion would be to create more back story of your friendship with Ash because as of now that character only seems annoying.
7 Likes
@kingzug
You can expect running or helping to run a guild in one of the routes. That’s a neat thought too, I might include it.
@Sanjay
So, this goes a bit into the combat system, which I really don’t want to overpromise on. If all goes well in creating it you’ll be able to control your party’s positioning (think melee, ranged, support). You won’t be able to control them directly, but we’ll see if I give up on AI and make it so the player controls them completely. In scripted combat it will depend on the situation.
Ash is supposed to be a bit annoying currently, especially if you chose the Outcast option.
@catorrina
Loathe? Anything but. This is the kind of feedback that I need most. The tense thing is something that will hopefully get better over time. I switched what tense I was planning on writing the story in twice, which caused a lot more issues than I was hoping. I really should have checked on that more before releasing the demo, but I just wanted to see if there was any interest at all.
There are some races now where the description indicates being more lithe. Some races, like Ferran, never really get that kind of build, but Funestan can. The female build descriptions overall will be changed in the next update.
I’m not a fan of cliques/stereotypes either, truthfully, but it was really useful to add some flavor text to the game. Things that make one play-through different from another. Expect the artsy trope to be added in the next update. I tried to word it in a way that implied that each clique wasn’t exactly their cliche, that way the player couldn’t still project their own personality into the MC. This should be better in a much later update when I change the content pre-entering GAO.
Thank you very much for all your critique!
4 Likes
That’s why mine is a Shinobi. I’ll sneak inside no problem. If they get in my way still, I’ll kill them.
Also, are ninja’s going to be able to use magic or in their case ninjutsu? Or just limited to physical feats and the like? I hope we can use ninjutsu.
As for the demo, loved it. When I killed the goblin and then got the end of demo page, I was like noooo I need more. This game has a lot of potential. Good luck with all the different classes. I also know how time consuming coding for so many can be. So try not to overwork/overextend yourself. Keep up the great work and I look forward to your next update.
1 Like
I found a typo while picking Ferran as my character race
Ferran are very short, but stout. Their height goes from 3’8" to 4’8" you’d guess. Their small bodies are still quite muscular, and their beards are nothing short of glorious. Their skin tones also look like they vary between shades of tan and pale. Although one of the options looks to be grey. Their facial features (rnage) between rugged and homely, though some of the female faces look like they could be cute.
Range is misspelled
And with that you could have how you usually play a game come up like if your usually a strategist or a merchant or what have you by conversation with you friends
Poll number two for while I’m away for a few days:
- Add a bow focused class to the game.
- Just add bows to the current classes.
0 voters
Actually, it will be a ranged focused class not bow focused. Expect weapons like crossbows and more.
I’ll add bows to other classes either way.
Bows wouldn’t really make sense for a magic user though, or someone who prefers close-quarter combat for that matter
The only existing class I see benefiting from bows would be that ninja class
2 Likes
No reason a magic user or a close-quarters combat specialist couldn’t pick up a little archery on the side, though.
Why? Arcane Archers are a thing (arguably the coolest thing ever, too!), and even gladiators would like to be able to do something against, say, flying opponents, and not just having to shake their fist angrily at them.
5 Likes
Heavy Crossbow to the Gladiator
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Meh. Heavy crossbows are poor individual weapons, if only because they take forever to reload. In group formation (and better yet, with people to give fully loaded ones to the shooter and reload the ones who got just used) they work well enough, but for an adventurer, bows are simply the way to go. Since gladiators are described as the weapon specialists, there’s no reason that doesn’t also include ranged weapons.
2 Likes
I think bows would be a classic one. But why not use magic gun or something which is more technologically advanced. Fantasy settings with a mixture of both magic and science would be awesome. Maybe u can add a crafting skill which would allow the MC to craft advanced tools as the game progresses.
2 Likes
In addition, light or hand crossbows deal far less damage and have less range but take less time to reload.
Heavy crossbows are more for siege warfare.
Firstly, I’m loving what you have so far! I thought it was funny when I made my character at the beginning, mostly because I figured, “Hey, a school and gaming/slice-of-life game. Not enough of those out there.” But no, suddenly I’m being attacked by tongue monsters.
Secondly, just a little peeve I have is that I didn’t really see a “Cleric” class. I know that Troubadour is essentially the same thing in terms of abilities and magic, but I kinda wish I could be a fanatic cleric/crusader who rampages across the world. slaughtering the undead and the demonic. But honestly, I like the priest too. Just personal opinion, though, I still love what you’ve done with this!
All in all, I really love what you’ve made so far and I’m looking forward to future updates!
I am so happy about the beast men I can make my character Enkidu actually closer to what Enkidu was in the actual story
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That’s why you have a party in these games
So that a swordmaster doesn’t have to waste time investing in bows and archery skills
And why would a mage want to use a bow? I don’t know how magic works in this particular world but in most representations of magic, a good old magical blast overpowers arrows any day of the week
If the party ever has to face enemies at range, though, you don’t want the swordmaster to feel completely useless. There are other ranged possibilities if you don’t want to carry around a large bow, like a sling, which is much less cumbersome.
That may be so, but mages often have a limited supply of magic, so a bow might be good for those times when the mage is out of magical power or doesn’t want to waste it on some enemy that a bow could take out.
2 Likes
I can’t wait to see this finished! I’m kinda channeling my inner kirito
1 Like