Golden - Posted 28th December 2020

[milaswriting]

♚ Introduction

Hello! I’m Mila, an avid writer, and I’ve had the idea for this story for a while and thought it’d be fun to make it into an interactive novel! So here we are…

♚ Golden

Golden is a brand new ChoiceScript WIP I’m working on that is heavily romance based. You’re from the big city of Lehsa, you’re returning home to begin your postgraduate studies after being away for three years. On your return, Lehsa is as you remember it; vibrant, bustling, modern - yet the city holds so many secrets.

Ones you are unaware of, ones you are now immersed in whether you like it or not.

You enter a world you never knew existed. You discover that Supernatural creatures are not just a ploy to frighten children at night. They’re real. Even more so when a set of angry Supernaturals make you their main target.

And even worse, your Father – the Mayor – knew all about it.

Maybe you aren’t just the ‘Mayor’s Kid’ after all.

Who knew a birthmark could hold such meaning?

♚ Features and Gameplay

• Customisable MC, including name, gender, sexuality, pronouns and degree choice
• Four Supernatural LI’s that are also gender customisable
• Experience straight, gay and bisexual romantic routes
• A story based on the choices you make!

All updates will be posted on my Tumblr, alongside this, if there are any problems/bugs etc. Please let me know !: Mila’s Tumblr

I’ve been spending so much time on Golden and as a full-time student, that can be tricky sometimes so I made a Ko-Fi. Don’t feel as though you have to, but it’s there if you want to further your support of Golden.

There’s also a Forum and Discord but I’m super new to these so you’ll have to bear with me.

I’d also love to thank all of you for your amazing support, and I hope the demo is everything you want it to be and more!

To play the demo, go here: Golden

Ko-FI: Mila’s Ko-FI

Discord: Mila’s Discord

Word Count; 33,742

[ofna]

I’ve been following your progress on tumblr and have really been looking forward to reading this demo. It didn’t disappoint!

You have a lovely way of describing surroundings and characters and I am super interested to see where the plot goes.

My only notes:

1. You may want to make it a little bit clearer when you’re switching viewpoints. Maybe a bolded line or note at the top of the page, just so it’s immediately obvious?
2. A lot of your dialogue sentences end with a comma instead of a period. I’m not sure if this is maybe a different syntax I’m not used to?
3. Typo in chapter 2: And it's then the door opens.
4. Typo in a chapter 2 choice: My Patterson isn't someone I want to annoy... should be Mr. Patterson, I think?

And quick question, I noticed that the dashingdon title says Book One. Are you planning for this to be a series?

[Takashi_Shin]

Okay you got me interested you took me in and y’all can’t take me out I’m blocked in this good story There’s No Escape I have 120 on the list that are good stories to me and I want to read the all and this became 121 why does my feelings give me this feeling of a good story

[The_Black_Reaper]

Some typos and other things of note. Apologies for the disorganized mess they’re in. I’m doing this as I read your lovely story.

Spelling Errors or Wordiness

A bit wordy. Could shorten it to I’m astonished or I myself.

The detail about the gems swaying slightly feels out of place sitting at the end of the sentence.

I think instance is supposed to be instinct.

The tail end of the underlined sentence feels unnecessarily wordy and could be shortened to something more concise.

Sat should be sitting since the story is in present tense so far, so having the verb be in past tense is a bit odd.

We don’t really need to know that the wind is turning bitter if it’s already cold since if it’s cold it’s already turned bitter. Plus if you establish that it’s cold outside, it’s going to be assumed that that’s why we’re putting our hands into our pockets, so you could easily cut out that part.

Missing a word. Should be Jordon and I get up.

Ellipses should be inside the quotation mark, not outside.

Suggestions for Choice Inclusion

I think the two sentences that I underlined would be great opportunities to give the players more autonomy. Something as simple as giving us the choice to flesh out the MC’s personality some more.

For instance, do we have that mindset because we wanted to make our parents proud? Or do we have that mindset to get out of their thumb?

I’m not sure how vital our relationship with our father is to the plot, but it also seems like another opportunity to give the reader some choices to decide how they feel about their father’s parenting style. Do they resent it, don’t care about it, or are actually relieved?

What is she clicking in front of my face? Regardless, it’s a bit rude. Like snapping your fingers at a waiter to get their attention. Could you include an choice giving us options how we react to her in this moment?

Underlined the section. I feel like this is another opportunity to give the players freedom to chose this early in the story and determine what our current relationship with Jordon looks like. Sure the MC has this history with Jordon, but I as the reader do not.

This could possibly have a few more options like “I don’t care about cars” or something similar.

Comas

A lot of commas where there should be periods. It feels like the And could be crossed out without losing anything.

Pronoun shift from first person to second person and more commas where there should be periods.

Well you get the picture.

In summary, I feel like it could cut down the wordiness or be rewritten in certain sections and I feel powerless to dictate how I should feel about these characters (specifically the parents and Jordon); this problem doesn’t persist with the Team. I’m being forced to have this kind of relationship with these characters and I can’t make independent decisions about what I think. It’s quite frustrating.

However, the thing I noticed when the Team was brought into the story is that our dialogue options didn’t match what we said after we picked them and hit Next. For instance, the option to apologize to Mr. Patterson makes us stutter but nothing in the choice indicated that we would stutter. It was a bit annoying to see what I had picked didn’t immediately match what the MC said and I felt out of sync with my MC.

However, it’s an intriguing story with a lot of elements and potential plot lines. I’m intrigued by the supernatural cast, specifically how the team seems to be divided between killing the MC and not killing them. It’ll be interesting to see how that develops based on our choices.

Lovely story. I look forward to new updates! Thanks for sharing it with us.

[Harley_Robin_Evans]

Sounds interesting gonna check it out

[Bulk_Biceps]

This is great i like it.

[milaswriting]

Thank you for the advice and pointing out the mistakes I’ve made. I did notice the lack of choices I put in, though I think that’s only because I wanted the reader to know enough about the plot before make any decisions - I’ll definitely sort that out in the second update.

The click is in front of the MC’s face, not the waiter’s face.

I’ll take what you’ve said on board, thanks for taking the time to read Golden.

[milaswriting]

Thank you for your notes, I’ll definitely take them on board and redo those typos.

Yes, I’m hoping that it’ll be a series with multiple books if the first book does do well. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

[That_One_Place_Maybe]

This is really intriguing I honestly cant wait to see more!!

[Hayley_Mills]

This looks interesting so far! Looking forward to more!

[The_Black_Reaper]

I figured the click was in front of the MC’s face. How rude.

And thank you for writing such an intriguing story and sharing it with us!

Best of luck writing! And have a lovely day.

[Asterya1]

This look like this could be a really interesting story! I didn’t expected the plot to go that way. I’m looking forward to how we will be able to survive.

I do agree that we need more choices to decide our personality or reaction. I had the overall impression that the MC is meant to be somewhat sociable and kind. Like with the dialogue you automatically have with the taxis driver or the butler. They are no choice to be more reserved or quiet. And often the MC will have automatic reactions to a lot of things like accepting to guide the new students,appreciating a quip the Ros made,or just have long conversation without me chosing anything.

As for the suggestions I have

Summary

• Could we have much more choices when we meet the teams? Like when we first barge into them could we have a choice to excuse ourselves politely without being intimidated?
• OK I’m gonna be honest here the first time I read the demo,I didn’t like the Ros at all. And then I reread it again and well it’s a little better but so far the only ones I can stand are P and B. A was made to be the “rude and cold one but later warm up” and ok he’s really good at it (so far I call him Mister rude) but K? I don’t have a problems with flirty characters but each time he talk about how he could “eat other peoples” I get the feel that he mean literally with how it’s portrayed. And it give me slightly bad vibes and feelings about him tbh.
• So when you are presented to each members could we have options for how we react to each of them? Positively or negatively. Like I really wanted to make a deadpan face when Kaidan started to look MC like that the kind of face that say “Are you checking me out? Bro,stop” kind of things or not be mesmerize by P look (unless it’s magic or things like that) Or just have and option about our first impression of the team.
• Will it be possible to chose to not like the teams (and survive if possible) ?
• Can we call Melissa our mother rather than her name ? It felt really weird to me that MC internal dialogue have them calling their mom by their first name. Unless the relationship was canonically distand my MC would have chosen to be really close to her mother and so wouldn’t call her by her name.
• As for our father is it a necessary things that we argue/aren’t close? Would it be possible to play as an MC that really want their father love and attention and wish to be close each time he is here?

[milaswriting]

Yep, I personally think there were a lack of choices too so some point during today I’ll go over the demo and add them in.
I think all/most of the conversations the MC has with their mother, they do use the word ‘mother’ or ‘mum’ - it’s the descriptions where she’s called Melissa (I’ll check though).
The father’s relationship will be useful in future books, so it’s your decision really.

Thank you for taking the time to read the demo.

[Mistyleaf123]

Very interesting! I loved the characters, and the plot seems interesting

@milaswriting

Yep, I personally think there were a lack of choices too so some point during today I’ll go over the demo and add them in.

I’d love choices to flirt w/ the NPCs and act charming. (lol i usually make my MC/s all charming and (kinda) perverted lol

[Jj_Olivier]

Wow I just love the story so far its really awesome can’t wait to read more

[Mei_Hiroshi]

Very interesting game My favorite is Blair so far

[Kezzalee]

Very interesting so far, can’t wait to read more! In love with Asher and Kaiden already.

[milaswriting]

Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it

[milaswriting]

Thank you! Blaire/Blaze does seem to be a favourite

[milaswriting]

Super happy you liked the demo! Asher and Kaidan really are pieces of work to deal with