This reminds me of wayhaven so in that case, I am fired up to play this:)
Hmmmm…An emotionally constipated father character who has a strained relationship with their child mc but still cares?
I love a good supernatural story ,I cant wait to read it .
I thought the same! although in this case, the group starts by (Kaidan) trying to kill the MC…I wanna see where it goes
Oh goodie, another WIP where I have a crisis trying to decide which RO I want to pin for the most. Love it.
Hey I found another treasure. For RO Kaidan and Asher got me interested real fast. But the plot is familiar. 4 RO, MC who doesn’t know supernatural exist, complicated relationship between MC and their parents, MC best friend who work at the same place and everyone trying to protect or kill the MC.
Is it Wayhaven? Lol I know, I was also inspired by sera stories but I know this one work will be unique.
Very interesting. Bookmarked.
It’s pretty cool, not really a fan of any of the LI’s, ones eye fucking everyone the other is rude and I think the other wants to kill us? Might be the same as the first person. I really like our best friend :D, wonder what the mark means? Maybe Mc’s a rare type of supernatural? Can’t wait to see more.
I follow the tumblr and went into this expecting to simp solely for Kaidan… but oh no Phoebe’s hot. I really like the snobby/humble stat, it’s fitting for the MC’s lifestyle.
I also did not find any problems with the demo; much the opposite. I was pleasantly surprised with the twist of the golden birthmark, and I like the best friend/ex dynamic. I like the varied outlooks that the ROs have as well. And lastly I appreciate the diversity of the ROs!
Thank you so much, I’m glad you liked the demo and your positive comments mean so much to me
Hi! First off I wanna say that I’ve read this demo several times over already! It’s a brilliant idea really, and I love where the story is headed!
The characters are great! Though I often find myself struggling to grasp choices. What I mean by that is that I don’t understand what choices are considered ‘kind’ or ‘snooty’ and I think I also missed which ones are considered flirty too. For the most part I’d account that to myself being somewhat oblivious. But I might suggest you considering, with a grain of salt mind you, adding a little tag for flirt options. I’ve seen some authors do this, some put up a poll on the forum to decide, and others make it a switchable function (something that can be turned on or turned off but is implemented regardless). These are just suggestions should you decide you want to! Personally I don’t mind reading the book a couple more times to figure out which choices make what effects, but I would appreciate it for flirt options so I can keep in game character relationships clear.
—that being said, the former is merely a suggestion.
Set aside the fancy title, this is really just a nice review! (Under a cut so it’s easy to flick past my reply without a lot of tenuous scrolling).
The plot is intriguing, as far as I can tell readers play as the child of the mayor of Lehsa who has a birthmark which ties us to the supernatural world, which as far as I’m aware, isn’t known commonly.
As for what this mark means, we have no clue—but I have the sneaking suspicion either our four tag-alongs do know or we are all about to find out! The former sounds most probable if I recall their gabbing correctly.
I suspect that the plot shall thicken as time draws on. But what strikes me here is that demons are present. I’ve seen demons done very differently from story to story, so I am really curious to see if demons are good, bad, neutral, alienated or something entirely different in this story. Will they be big for this plot? Or a blip on a more colossal radar?
With that in mind, I have judged that the biggest antagonist for this story is the mark we have right now (because the gargoyle wants us gone for it and I can’t imagine other supernaturals are keen on a human having it either).
What I really like about this story is that it doesn’t solve all of our questions right off the bat. Instead it gives us little tastes of the plot as we read. As far as we are aware our four buddies could be slaughtering us during extra curricular time come next Tuesday. —this gives a level of intrigue and determination to prove ourselves worthy of life. If you’re me, that means being sweeter than sugar and wiggling my way into their hearts. Hopefully anyways!
All in all I’d have to say this story has an enticing plot worthy of several reads!
Second Pacing! —which has no cut because Id just like to say that the pacing is good! And although I’ve been made curious, at chapter three, I don’t see a reason to be anxious yet.
All characters are enjoyable! Obviously it’s chapter three and I still have much to learn about the RO’s and my parents, but I can say we’ve had oh so much fun so far!
I actually can’t decide between K, P, or B (who are male for me). However! This lapse of indecision just explains why I love this cast so much! Can’t wait to find out more about their diverse quirks!
Fourth, and final, relevance to Wayhaven. I’m mentioning this because I have read Wayhaven and this book and I’ve seen it mentioned as looking like it’s inspired by it or being similar to Wayhaven.
I wanted to say that I can acknowledge that there are some surface level similarities, but that the plot itself tells a different story.
Your story is your own, and I can already tell that the plot is veering in a different direction than Wayhaven. That being said, the supernatural element is a giant intrigue so it should be no surprise that people who enjoyed Wayhaven (which is also supernaturally inclined) would also enjoy your story!
I really like idea of having the protagonist be working towards their masters degree. Its unique.
That being said, there were a several parts that felt a little high school to me.
“my teacher, Mr Dennis Patterson”
I would nix my teacher, and go with Dr. Patterson or Professor Patterson
“You’re lucky I even turned up.”
This would get you dropped from a professors class. I can’t even imagine someone telling a professor this. Same when Kaiden is bluntly rude.
The professor having textbooks to share is weird, I can’t imagine a professor purchasing textbooks and dragging however many to class. Plus its a week into the term, you would have been expected to purchase the reading by now.
“can be spent on getting my classroom more equipment.”
This is a little weird too, maybe have him comment on you donating to the department? the department could use a new whatever based on what your degree is in.
“First assignment of the year.” Dennis exclaims, the classroom immediately erupts with audible groans before Dennis speaks again. “Shut up.” Dennis drawls before pursing his lips, as the class quietens he speaks again. “You’re doing a group project. You’re writing a report.”
I can’t imagine a week into the term, where most of the students don’t know him well there being audible groans. Two, everyone should have the syllabus and thus be aware of the group project. Three, everyone would be rapt trying to figure out what he wants and how he will grade it.
Thank you for taking the time to read the demo, and thank you for your pointers. When I get to correcting mistakes and typos today I will take the advice you’ve given me
Thank you so much for your kind comments on the demo, it really means a lot to me and gives me motivation to keep writing. I’m glad you enjoyed the demo
Won’t lie I’m a sucker for this type of story. Overall I like that it’s not very complicated but still engaging. Perhaps the wrong phrasing/words? I sort of agree with Asterya1 and the others about perhaps a bit more choices/earlier influences?
Ugh is it wrong I’m already seeing my character butt heads with A and K? Or at least have quite a few tense moments… P is such a sweet person but our best friend hmmm. Don’t have a strong opinion on B but from what I’ve seen much more tolerable than the other two. All of course just my small two cents. Thanks for sharing this demo/story with us!
PS a small probably not important or maybe it is I don’t know but for what we’re majoring in could there be like engineering or computer science etc?
Thank you for reading the demo. And yup, I have chapter three and four planned out and there will be a lot more choices - so I’ll sort that.
The degrees I’ve chosen impact the other books in the series so I don’t think I’ll add more degree choices.
A note on that too. The “you’re lucky I even turned up” response is the first part of the story that shows the MC gets special treatment because of who they are, and who their parents are.
With Dr Patterson’s personality, he’s only for himself and isn’t a fan of the MC which causes him to say “more equipment for his own classroom” and not the department.
But with everything else you’ve said, I’ll totally take it on board when I make changes to the demo today.
I’m pretty sure most of the teaching personnel for master’s classes in my uni are doctorate students, albeit I admit I don’t know the status of most of them; they’re called only by their names on all of the material (okay, I probably would find it if I would do some digging, but that would be pointless for class interactions), so I’ll just mostly call them ”lecturers”, although I do use the word ”teacher” too, when I’m talking with my folks; maybe it’s different in different countries?
But seriously, I know the feel. Feels like B has the most chemistry so far, but K gives off a wild card air; It’s pretty early to tell, they’re all interesting!
There’s also the Shadow Society with that dynamic, tbf a 4~6 RO is good balance. Golden is already different in that the Super Squad doesn’t have a definite mission when it comes to the MC, so that opens a whole new set of interactions. Also different supernatural species between the ROs.
Coding or typo?
Interesting story, I like how we already see a lot of different povs. Looking forward to seeing the depths of Lehsa!
I’ve never read/played Shadow Society so that’s something I can get into and enjoy now - so thanks for mentioning that, I’m always looking for new IF to read.
And thanks for reading my demo! Glad you find it interesting. I think that may be a coding error which I’ll sort out tomorrow alongside the other typos