Golden: Book One - [Updated December 29th 2021]

You forgot to activate the save system. I am looking forward to this update, but it will take me a bit before I can read it.

Thank you for working so hard on this :slight_smile:

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I’ve added those in, thanks for pointing that out. Whenever you manage to read through it, I hope you enjoy it.

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I love your game. Rest assured I will enjoy it.
:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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I can’t decide between Blaise and Phoenix. I suppose Blaise aligns more with my mc’s fashion hobby, but Phoenix is just so cute.

My only real complaint is that I wish male mc could dress fancier and sexier…like wear lots of jewellery like Blaise, or with the fashion hobby more of their own designs in fancy materials. Always partial to silk and leather for cute male mc’s myself. I mean mc is supposed to be a rich kid, so why not live it up a little while they’re still young.
Would actually be interesting if the mc’s preferred jewellery colour was silver…poor Blaise. :sweat_smile:

Glad you’re a fan of B(laze) and P(hoenix).

In terms of the outfits, there are 11 choices which is quite a lot. Of course I can’t cater to what every player would like their MC to wear/look like, so feel free to headcanon outfits/accessories for your MC.

You don’t need to. It’s just that you describe very specific outfits right now. You could also just describe a general style instead that leaves the mc more room by default for players to enter their own headcanon.

In my humble opinion @Snoe 's old WIP: Freak: Amidst the Neon Lights does that really well, giving general styles, instead of specified outfits for the mc to pick from in the shopping section.

The other option that I’ve also seen used once or twice in WIP’s is to have one of the choices be for the player to just enter their own description, like a character name, but for clothes instead.

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I get that. I think that comes from me being/trying to be a descriptive writer.

I also think that the outfit choices themselves are a lot more descriptive than when they’re in text, they’re all very simple when in text actually, e.g.,‘I smooth out my oversized shirt and jeans before lacing up my trainers on my feet.’ or ‘I fasten the buttons of my white shirt before slipping on my trousers and dark blue sweater.’

So, I do think that gives the reader license to headcanon what the MC is wearing.

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Hey there,

First of all, huge thank you for sharing your writing with us. As of writing this sentence I have yet to read it but I’m super excited. Anything after this will be after I’ve read through.

Feedback

  • From the beginning your descriptions of characters and the world around them are fantastic. It was really easy to visualise the world and characters you are creating.

  • When choosing to give the MC a name other than the ones you’ve prelisted, the phrase ‘Input First Name/Surname’ drew me out of it a little. Might just be my own personal preference, but perhaps instead of ‘Input’, you could phrase it as a questions like ‘What is your first name’ or since its what’s on a degree, it could be further linked to that. Just being super picky, ‘Input’ to me felt a little mechanical.

  • I’m a huge fan of the use of graphics in this. :slight_smile:

  • I’d be eager to see that at the start of the book, stat increases were a bit larger than 2%. I feel like the initial decisions that begin to shape the character from a blank slate should be a bit larger than this percentage to really acknowledge what type of character the reader is developing. I’d personally say 5%, but no more than 7% for these very first stat changes.

  • As I read through more and more, I got the sense that the MC was well connected and had a good knowledge of Lehsa. However, as a reader I only knew the small parts I’d been told through your writing. I feel that, and this is purely my personal opinion, that this book could benefit from almost a small section in the stats that has short bits of writing on the background of the city, characters, and the world. Just so that as a reader, I have more of the same level of knowledge as the character. Reads well without it don’t get me wrong, I’m just eager to know more about the world you’re building. Then as new places are mentioned or discovered, their little biographies can be read about. Like O’Connell’s and the university would be great to read more about.

  • I think it was stated earlier, but the inclusion of clearer POV changes would be really beneficial. It took me a few seconds each time to process what was happening.

  • I noticed that when the Team’s supernatural species are revealed by the demon in the alley, the stat page for the team doesn’t update to reflect the new information. Just curious whether that was intentional so it only reflects what the MC has learnt, or if it’s more of a mistake?. I notice this still doesn’t update after the MC learns of their real identities

  • Huge thanks for making it clear which options draw into developing the romance with characters. Really helps! :+1:

General Thoughts
Oh my is this fantastic. I really enjoyed reading through the first eight chapters. The descriptions and world building was fantastic, and I really enjoyed your style of storytelling. I think personally there were too many stats, that I feel didn’t feel as relevant. The traits aspect didn’t really feel used, but then this is only the first eight chapters. All in all, I’m super excited to see what comes next and I think you’ve done a fantastic job. :slight_smile:

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Hmm…not as much as I would like, but thanks for the explanation. It could still leave open the option for the mc to enter their own text though, like enter your own description for shoes, legwear, top, accessories to be called by the game whenever you feel like it and it would actually see our headcanon reflected in the text too, that is always a nice touch to see our own description get slotted into the game. Players who don’t want to bother with it could just choose from the presets, just like it is now.
If you do go the route of letting players enter their own description, I notice you describe the current outfits in three sentences, so just let the mc enter, A,B,C in that case. Maybe not an immediate concern, but something to think about for the polishing stage.

I suppose the annoyance for me is mainly borne out of my mc liking leather jackets, but not ripped pants or skirts. Or just wanting a non-dress/traditionally feminine option for the “stylish” style as that is currently the most fancy/expensive option in there but very restricted to people liking a more traditionally feminine look. :grin:

But, like I said just a suggestion.

Thanks for giving the story a read.

Sure, I’ll look into changing this in the next update — maybe, ‘Enter a first name/surname’.

Glad you liked them!

The stats were originally changed because they were too large when I first started the story. I think I’ve made them so low initially because choices later on will have a larger impact on those stats.

I do think that there are graphics above most of the point of view changes to show that there has been a change, but I’ll look into this.

It is intentional until the ending of chapter 8, and then it’ll depend on which team member you talk to. After writing so many words for the update, I did forget to add it to the team’s stat page, only the ‘thoughts on supernaturals’ stat page — I’ll get this sorted.

There is a scenario where one of the trait stats have been used, but yes, we’re only 8 chapters in out of a book that’s going to be close to 20 chapters, so of course they’ll be used more throughout the story as your MC develops their personality. Also, they’ll be used in future books so that’s why they’re there.

~

Thank you for your general thoughts and feedback, they’re much appreciated and I hope you enjoyed/continue to enjoy the story.

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20 Chapters?! Oh man I’m excited for that.

Is this your first book that you’ve written, because you seem really confident in the story you’re telling and your ability to tell it.

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Yes, it is my first book, so choosing to do an interactive one is definitely a lot of work.

Haha, what a compliment, thank you.

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I read the line “As I wander around the back and click the button to open the boot door”

And no joke looked at my work boots for like 10 seconds trying to figure out where a door would even be placed, let alone why

Then I remembered that across the pond yall use the word boot for a car trunk :man_facepalming:

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The story is interesting. I like that it is in the first person and that MC isn’t a high schooler. (No, really, you have many plus points because of it)

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I don’t think I’ve seen feedback as in-depth as this. You would definitely be a wonderful beta tester

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Hahah thank you so much. It was just easier to make bullet points as I read through so I didn’t forget at the end. A great story in my opinion deserves feedback of a similar calibre I guess.

Oh you flatter me :blush:

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Wooo, another romance-focused book/series to check out!

I’m going to be writing this as I play, so it might come off messy.

“Due to the common thought of dark brown eyes being the most unattractive.”
:scream: I feel personally attacked, just so you know. So mean. :sob:

I don’t think there’s a clear break between meeting dad and the scene at his office, where we’re no longer with him. It took me a bit (like, half the page) to realise the MC wasn’t there. Maybe it’s just me, though.
The perspective break is much more noticeable when at the start of the university section you switch from the MC to Blaire, and then back to the MC. I suggest adding a bit at the start of Jared’s section like “Having left his child behind, Jared […]” or something to similar effect to let readers know the MC isn’t there.

There’s a few text things I’d correct, but they’d basically be nitpicks, as they don’t change the meaning of the sentence or are jarring enough to detract from the read.

Sleep break!

I have been following this story since its first posting and I have been very impressed. The development of the main characters (mc and the 4) and the evolution of the 4 as they interact with mc has been has been, what I would describe, as organic. Very natural and realistic. I am looking forward to how you develop the deeper romantic parts of the story. I know you can’t include everything that everyone wants in this story, but I would love to see some more development/backstory on mon and dad, our BFF, and Walter. I get the feeling there is a lot of backstory on Walter. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

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So out of curiosity… are vampires in this universe immune to sunlight? I don’t think I’ve seen it addressed at all with Kaidan.

And if so, you should totally add a dialogue option to ask Kaidan about it when talking to him about the compulsion after the detective dies!

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No, it hasn’t been mentioned and I haven’t forgotten about it. I plan to add this somewhere else in the series.

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