God of the Red Mountain (WiP) (Update August 17, 2020)

Thanks so much! :smiley:

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I loved everything about this. Excellent work!

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Hello everyone! I know I just put up the update, but I want to ask a few questions for feedback before I finish chapter 1.

First, regarding the prologue, I know I shouldn’t make it too long, so what kind of interactions would you like to have with the mountain? In the secret path in the prologue, it’s originally a hunt but I feel like it’s too cliché. Maybe coming across a human camp and dealing with them? Or intervening a human v bear fight?

Second, some spoilers for the Ko meeting, the naming ceremony. I can’t shake the feeling that it was too sudden, so should I push it till after they arrive at the mountain? Or was it okay in the spot it’s currently in?

Third, a more lighthearted question, what kind of ability would you like your spirit to develop? For example, if you chose to be one of the bird spirits, would you like to learn how to grow wings on your back in human form so you can fly around? So far, the only spirit magic introduced is barrier (warding) magic, and energy bursts. Later on, each spirit will be able to learn a specific ability, but I’m having trouble coming up with unique ones. Even just throwing out general powers you like will help me immensely.

Sorry guys for these noob questions. I know that this game is still pretty empty so there’s not a lot to work with, but I keep doubting myself as I try writing later chapters. Any kind of feedback will do as well, regarding pacing or storytelling in general! Thank you in advance!

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I’m not super good with story but I think I can help with the Third question!

Animal Powers

So I feel Like with the animal spirits the coolest (and probably easiest) way to go about them is to have each animal have its own unique ability when in ‘human’ form (ie bird spirt having wings, snake having venom on nails and fangs or being super flexible, the rabbit being able to jump super high or super powerful kick, ext) but this could add a lot of extra coding, so I wouldn’t go too crazy and just give each animal 1 trait from its animal form in the human form.

Plant Powers

Now for plants, I don’t really know how to individualize this one too much beyond giving the plant spirits Druid like powers, or some limited or full control over surrounding plant life? Giving plant spirits a more general power base compared to the animal spirits would deff help with coding in multiple paths, but people playing plants might feel there’s no point in picking specific plant beyond the initial stat boost, compared to the animals who might get more individualized powers.

Summary

I guess in conclusion to all this these are just ideas, but if you do go for this I could see it working out as long as you balance it in the story because giving plant spirits control over plant life might seem a little more powerful compared to animal spirits who at most would have situational powers (but if you write it to where every situation could be solved in some aspect by these powers it might feel more balanced)

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I cant believe this flew under my radar! Theres something about your writing that’s captivating and easy to read. Ah, the characters are also loveable! “Rotten flirt” I was not expecting that from her haha.

As for your 3rd question, having the ability to manifest wings and fly around is a +1 for my eagle MC. Will this include eagle vision? You know…in case they go hunting :wink:

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I would suggest having the naming ceremony occur later in the story. Right now it’s a little sudden and doesn’t quite have the weight it should. Some more time with Min He would probably help it feel like a more natural progression.

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Hmm, yeah plants are kind of tricky because of how general their powers can be. Hard to differentiate a power for a lily and a magnolia lol

Yep, this is the plan! I don’t want to alienate one spirit choice over another, but to max immersion I want a specific power for each spirit type. One that’s both unique and also of equal strength.

@Ricemaker Oh, oh! That might be good. Wings and vision for the eagle, with wings and hearing for owls. (Because that’s how owls work right?) Nice, thanks! And thank you for your words, I’m glad you liked An, haha

@medusatree How about having a choice to accept at both Sparrow’s Reach and later on? Like what if I add a “Let me think about it…” choice when Min He offers?

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When named by the god it felt a little lackluster(?) since having a name is powerful/important for a spirit and that it felt a little too casual. Maybe making it a little more lika a ceremony, nothing grand but making it feel more special would make that scene better.

ps love everything about this story and your writing. Sorry if i sound rude above

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Oh thank you! And you didn’t sound rude at all, this is the type of feedback I really needed.

And you raise a good point. Maybe I will push it back after all, so I can explain the value of names as well.

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I’m not sure if the naming ceremony was part of this update or the last, but that route was really enjoyable. The characters are certainly showing their…um, characters :smile: An’s probably the nicest of all of them. Qiu’s a little hard to like right now, but his grief over the spirits’ demise can be appreciated.

Regarding the Fox corruption, has the MC been corrupted/cursed/tained for a while and does the salve keep it at bay? Or does the corruption only start at that encounter with the Foxes in Doh? Either way would be an interesting layer to the story, but it’s a bit ambiguous right now and that ambiguity takes a bit away from the significance of the corruption.

I wonder what significance the name might hold. Right now it feels a little arbitrary, less like an important part of the story and a symbol of power and more like something given to placate the MC. Also, could I suggest adding some sort of meaning to the names or some sort of explanation? Right now, it doesn’t really feel that important. As for the second question, I also think the naming moves a bit fast. Maybe the MC should be able to spend more time with the god or the Ko so that it doesn’t feel like they’re a frantic last-minute option.

And for your third question, I was highly intrigued by your description of the plant spirits by their effect on humans and their symbolism for the humans, so maybe you could draw on that description for the powers? A lily spirit could have some power over death omens, for example, or a ginseng have medicinal powers. I’m not sure about the animal powers, but would it be fair to say that animal spirits would be on the more offensive side of things and the plants more defensive? It’s a bit hard to think of plants having combat powers, although that would be cool too.

Grammar


This should probably be a separate sentence.

This should probably also be a separate sentence. :sweat_smile:

This too.

This part seems almost…redundant? The phrase was already used just two paragraphs before, so it feels a bit repetitive.

I feel like this should be separated in a way other than commas, since they make it a bit confusing. Maybe you could use dashes instead?

I didn’t play with Qin, so they “you” part seems a bit weird.

I think this should be hyphenated.

This should be a sentence, since “she winks” is not a dialogue tag.

The comma separation is a bit awkward here too.


These should also be separate sentences, I think.

This should just be “responsibility.”

This should be in the possessive form

I think this should be “bind.”

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Maybe there could be a choice for if you want to wait for your name, because I instantly liked Min He and was fine with getting my name at that moment. Plus I’d rather not continue being called Friend.

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Like @EclecticEccentric mentioned having what the premade names mean would add alot to the importance of getting named. Tale of Two Cranes and Land of the Dragon have that implemented and it adds a nice touch to it even though it doesnt affect the game in any way and in a game where names matter it would add significance to them, for example a rash and aggresive character would be named something that would reflect that.

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Corrupted for a long while Thank you for telling me, I’ll find a way to make that more clear.

Aah, I see. Would it be better if I let Min He better explain the purpose of naming the MC? I think I am going to allow the option to wait a bit before making a decision on being named. Names are not all-powerful, which is why I don’t want to make it an incredible ceremony, but I still don’t think I portrayed that the way I should have.

Oh! Oh! This will work out really well! Plants are more magical than animals, so working on that might work! Thanks!

And as always, thank you for the grammar checks!

I’m glad to hear that, I’m going to be doing this after all. Thank you for the feedback!

Oh, that might work. I’m kind of embarrassed I didn’t think about this in the first place, it sounds kind of obvious to have in a world where names are so respected.

So having pre-set names with descriptions of their own…In the case that the player wants to input their own name, how would choosing a meaning sound? For example, something along the lines of:
You chose the name John, what does it mean to you?
(being brave, being strong, being magically inclined, etc.)

Aah, these are good ideas. Thank you guys for the help!

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For magic ideas, if your a plant spirit maybe we could use our type of plant for magic.

Examples, perhaps if we’re an apple tree spirit we could teach humans that if they place an apple outside their door, you would grant them protection from harmful spirits.
Or we could produce a golden apple that could heal living creatures. Since the apple tree offers shelter and provides for humans in a way.

Perhaps we’d also be able summon our plant, it seems like the other plant spirits are always around their plants but we arent.

For plant spirits magic, maybe look up the magical properties of the plant. Let’s say apples are believed to be good for luck and protection, then the apple tree spirits could be really good at casting protective wards, creating magical barriers, and granting luck to those that ask them for luck(or grant them luck in exchange for a favor of some sort).

Or conjure apples to throw at foxes and they explode idk. Those are my ideas.

As for getting a name I did feel it kinda came out of no where, i feel like we didn’t really earn it other then existing. Perhaps, the god gives us a test which if successful increases put own power, but also proves we can handle the gods powers to be bestowed on us.

I love the demo so far 🖒🖒🖒

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Yeah, a new update!

Here’s my thoughts on your questions

  1. Can we something like exploring the secrets of the mountain? I am always intrigued with the idea of stumbling some mythical forgotten secrets far away from prying eyes(similar to spirited away). A special secret for MC to uncover, an ancient ruin older than the current civilisation, or remnants of essence from primordial time of The Three (I like your The Three Lore BTW, they are different from what I usually encountered.). The sense of awe at something ancient and even incomprehensible to us, that may or may not hint of something larger that has been brewing for a long time? Like the Corruption? 伏笔伏笔. Haha. I hope I’m not too greedy if i ask can we combine these ruins exploration with some human activities. Example, Stalking some humans and stumble upon ruins. It might be fun to see how human react in face of something like this and its aftermath.

  2. I like Min He immensely and I was glad I was able to meet her so soon, the way you described her when MC first saw her, she reminded MC of Home, of Big Sis. She felt kind. But I concur that naming ceremony does seems too lightweight. Because in the prologue, the way Big Sis reacted when MC asked about names, there is a certain weight to I felt as tho naming is very important. So, is there a way to meet Min He first and have ceremony later(you can whether you wished to be name by then)? I would like to spend more time know the characters, before we decide and [spoiler]go home/part ways. [/spoiler

  3. EclecticEccentric has a very good point on using the descriptions as to develop the plant powers. I choose plant because of the symbolism and description you gave for each one of them, and because of these description, there some expectation that these descriptions are actually foreshadowing the powers MC has.

Here’s my personal rambling, please skip if you don’t feel like reading. Haha. I was never really fond of Lily, but because of the symbolism, I always find myself going back to this option. Lily was born from a gravestone, perhaps her power has to do with death and grief, an end of a time. And then a beginning, because she was born after death.With Big Sis passing, I find myself always going back to Lily as my main spirit(even tho I tried other spirit forms). Because my MC will always be in grief of the only family that she lost. I like her kindness too much.

To balance each specific spirit power with one being more powerful than the others, my opinion is to provide several options, and the choices MC choose has the most affinity with their power will solve the situation in an outstanding results while other will still resolve the problem but maybe in a more mundane manner. In the end when it comes to these, maybe you just have to describe how each power solve the issue and if there will be any repercussions in the future because of this power.

I’m all for playing around the spirit form and see how they work, it adds playability just to read a few different lines especially in regards to how the characters around you reacted. :grin: But don forget to always balance each of these spirit power with seemingly similar weighted pros and cons, so that it wont end up with alot of players always choosing the same spirit form because it has lesser cons than others and hence seem more powerful compare with the rest without any worst repercussions later on.

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Technically there is, if you choose to go with them but not a a retainer. It’s not explicit though, so I’ll add the option to do this in a future update.

As it is, those descriptions help explain the stat boosts, but you’re both right in that I should just elaborate on those and make them powers altogether. I already have most of these powers planned out now~

Aaahhh I’m so fond of the lily spirit, you have no idea. That you took time to see the implications means a lot to me, thank you! It is a little bit fitting to be a spirit of grief, isn’t it? The MC has suffered a lot…

Yep. My biggest concern is having a power that readers won’t like or feels like it is too weak. Every spirit choice should be viable in their own way. This game isn’t going to be too stat heavy though, so I think it might be easier for me to accomplish that? Hopefully? Planning out the mechanics of the game is 1000x harder than actually writing it, haha…

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The others you have seen live pretty permanently where they are, so they either settled down near their kind or planted it themselves! The MC is a wanderer though (for now), but maybe later on…

Haha, yeah… I need to explain names, power of names and naming better. Thanks for the input, I’ll hopefully have made it better by the next update!

Thank you guys for your help!

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Nice story! though at the end you have the choice of going back to the human world or staying in the spirit world right? do you intend to write 2 separate storylines for that? because that sounds like a huge amount of work.

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Two separate storylines. It’s technically the same story (as in similar conflict and end goals) but the approach is wildly different. If you go to the mountain, you stay in the mountain and same if you decide to remain in the spirit world. Those routes will not merge at any point.

And I don’t mind the work, haha. I pretty much only write in my spare time and I love this story to bits. Being able to explore all angles of the conflict is something I look forwards to.

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I’m curious. Is there a way to not freak out and lunge at the towns sales lady? I’ve gotten my calm stat to 70 though that doesnt seem to do the trick.

Or were those choices a fake out to showcase the bloodlust of the curse?

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:fox_face:

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