From Ashes We Rise [FAWR / WIP] Upd. 30. Oct

Sniper rifle+Rico = Best character ever created (even before Wraith :stuck_out_tongue: )

Who’s the new girl? I liked her.
I have to ask, is she a RO?

You’ll have to step on my dead body before! :wink:

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Why? (20 characters)

The sniper? She’s called Ricochet, a vicious outlaw :wink:

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No! Rico is mine…all mine… my pweshoush!

nah, seriously, though. Wraith’ll kill @Snowpanther, for reasons unknown.

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Perhaps because she can maybe ricochet her bullets off walls? Just a thought :smirk:

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@Wraith an error for you: Chapter 2 line 393: bad label grave

Love the update! Here are some errors I noticed in spelling/grammar:

Frowning, you counter with, “And why exactly should I give out any information to one of Kalathol’s vigilante? I hope you are aware that the two of us are not really peachy to each other.”

Should be “one of Kalathol’s vigilantes.”

“Hawk, age estimated 19 or 20. Real persona unknown, origin unknown. A blank slate at this moment,” she almost pouts before letting out a sigh at this, either annoyed or displeased that she doesn’t know more. “So, what can I do for you or should I assume that this will end in a fight any given moment?”
I think this would flow better with a comma after “what can I do for you”.

On this same page there is a dialog choice that says “This surely is handy.” I think it would sound better if you changed it to “That sure sounds handy.”

“If you ask me, they are sure coming in handy,” you say, and Vine looks at you with her cold eyes. Yellow sure is unusual, if not an interesting colour. “I mean, if they tell you everything you need to know, then that surely is helpful.”

Should be “If you ask me, they sure seem handy.” While the sentence you have can be used while speaking, it is a bit awkward to read.

Stray just answers with a wider smirk. “What a shame. It was amusing to have you chase me around for almost half an hour futility. Besides,” The man tilts his head a bit in your direction. “Thanks for not ratting me out to the cops when you had the chance.”

Should be “It was amusing to have you chase me around for almost half an hour in futility.”

“Yes, how nice indeed,” he says with a chuckle, and you don’t even need to turn around to see him smirking. Stray’s obviously enjoying this more than you. “Shouldn’t an outlaw like you run away from me? Given that I am not one of the nicest persons of this area?” you ask after a moment.

Should be “Given that I am not one of the nicest people in this area.”

Stray responds with “Should I?” and a raised brow. “You don’t seem to make a rather dangerous impression right now with all the small-talk. On top of it, you doesn’t look like you want to harm me, so sue me for staying. Though, if you want, you can always chase me down the alleys again.”

Should be “On top of that, you don’t look like you want to harm me, so sue me for staying.”

“The connection of those two?” Stray turns to you, leaning with his hip on the other end of the metal construction. “Victoria always thought that the dead could be raised with the right treatment and formula. I think that she just feigned her death to continue her project.”

Should be “The connection between those two?”

That’s all I got time for right now, but I will let you know if I find more errors later!

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Thank you for those! I will fix them, and then upload the fixed version ^^

@Urban
If a name is bad or not is not for you to decide. Just because it reminds you of something, doesn’t mean that it reminds others of it as well. It may be your opinion, which I can’t change of course, but it surely sounds rather mean if you just tell someone their character is having a bad name.

Also, you need to figure it out yourself if she’s an RO or not.

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Hey I was kidding, sorry if I offended you. :frowning:

I’m feeling really bad now, if there is a way for me to make up for my bad joke, please tell me

@Wraith There go my dreams of actually getting some writing done on my day off :sweat_smile: (You are truly an evil mastermind.) Oh well. I’m off to read the update. Toodles.

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@Wraith I have more error to you (really sorry for what I did :sob:)
choicescript_stats line 42: Non-existent variable ‘crowtext’

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Some typos.
“Apparently the our football champions”
No the

Of course you would find this activities
Should be these?

Not sure on this next one
Obviously not letting the pancakes
Should be let I think

As you were private tutored
Should be privately again not sure sorry if I’m wrong with any of these :sweat:

instead of just five days the whole stuff.
This part of the sentence sounds odd to me.

some training utensils propped of to your right
Should be propped up I think

Lucian insisted on those things, where Nathaniel sometimes just grumbles
Should continue on in past tense and be grumbled

and Nathaniel didn’t made it any easier
make

That’s it for now :yum:

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Oh my Glob! You made Raven a name choice! I live it so much! Thank you @Wraith!

Edit: And Volt too! This is awesome!

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Ah, there is no feeling like coming home from work to see that this WIP updated. And even better! With more Stray!!! I can almost hear Crow eating their feathers because their surrogate son is a) not dead and b) infatuated with Stray. Of all people. Anyway, a great update, as always !! Thank you !

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Patting the dog affectionally in chapter 2

->Chapter2 line 588: bad label grave

Hello! This update has a lot of Stray :tada: :tada: he’s my favorite, I love him!! But I got “Chapter2 line 393: bad label grave” when I chose to thank specter. :astonished:

i think there’s a bug that makes every hair color the same as yours. i got everyone having black hair.

When Vine asks questions about who is an outlaw in the town and you answer your own name she just acts confused and has no idea who it is. I think there should be at least some kind of response to that. The answer is correct since she didn’t exactly say anything about mentioning yourself.

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