Freydale


#1

Hello:) I have been lurking here for a while, and I am very excited to input some of my work on here too!
I get the basics of Choicescript, but some parts are lost on me, completely c’:
This story, I have named “Freydale”, but the name may change. I have quite high hopes for this game… I hope it turns out well!

It is set in an alternate universe, so slightly fantasy based, but please bear with me, because I’ve never written fantasy before.

*Warnings: Rather dark, major character deaths,* (actually, it’s up to you if you find it dark or not. I thought Coraline was dark, but apparently I was wrong because they played it for the Rainbows friendship sleepover session)

Brief Story background: There are many kingdoms, Freydale being one of them. They are all at war for reasons I will later come up with. (I need names as well…)
Your father, the commander of one such force was taken prisoner many years ago and no news has been heard from him for so long, he was written off as killed in battle.
You play as the youngest of two children, with a dead father, a trauma shocked mother and a reckless, fiery older brother called Harlan bent on seeking revenge for your fathers death.
Your family is relatively rich because of your fathers status, and you once had many servants (of course, this number went down gradually.)
But then, another Kingdom wins the war and begins their invasion into Freydale…

Here is the link to a veeeery short demo, which is only really, the introduction; http://gossamerthreads.webs.com/Freydale/web/mygame/index.html c;

It’s in the very early stages of development, so this thread is really for people’s initial feedback.


Gosh this took alot of thinking through -.-
I am open to any kind of debate, and soo, what do you guys think? C:

0< (submitting this is so nervewracking)


#2

@KKuomi, i will play your game as soon as school is done. just thought id look on the forum before i left. sorry no feedback as of yet. I will be back!!! (with weapons)


#3

From what little there is to see, I can nevertheless say with reasonable certainty that you’re on to something. You have what looks, - again, from what little I’ve seen, - to be a unique writing style. This has the advantage of presenting an original and engaging setting, but will require that you re-read what you’ve created a few times to hammer out the occasional quirky phrase or punctuation usage.


#4

It is kind of nerve wracking putting something out there for the first time, but everyone here is pretty friendly. I’m sure we all just want to help you make your game as good as possible. :slight_smile:

I only had a chance to go through once, but so far I’m really liking the characterization. I did notice a few minor things that need correcting:

-Down by the pantry, the young servant girl had offered, wringing her hands. The whites of her eyes showing like she was possessed, if I may. Just like in them story fables.

This sentence really confused me for a bit. I assume the servant girl is speaking, but it’s hard to interpret what’s going on without quotation marks.

  • You were only seven years old then, and not quite as in control of your feeling than you would have thought.

“Feeling” should be “feelings”.

-They say that your mother, Angelica Rix was once a very influential woman. Well, it stands to reason that she must have been, so have ran the manor as she did.

Should probably be “to have run” instead of “so have ran”.

Also, your sentences do seem to run rather long, but I can’t say if there’s anything actually wrong with that. Maybe it’s just sleep deprivation on my part.

That being said, with a little polishing, this rough draft could turn into something awesome down the line. The way you describe events is probably one of the things I like best about it. For some reason it reminds me of looking at a graphic novel. I’m very interested to see how this storyline plays out. :slight_smile:

I’ll go through another play through when I get the chance.


#5

@Antitorpiliko thank you! I shall be expecting you c:<

@Drazen thank you!! :slight_smile: my punctuation is a little shaky at the moment… I’ll have another read through… And I’ll reread more times when I reupdate c;

@CS_Closet, aww thank you :smiley: that’s sweet of you; and thanks for pointing the mistakes out! o_o my proofreading is horrendous! I will change them immediately c:
And yes, only now that you mention it, I have noticed that my sentences are uncomfortably long.
Hopefully when I edit that, it will be easier to read :smiley:

  • “Down by the pantry,” the young servant girl had offered, wringing her hands. “The whites of her eyes showing like she was possessed, if I may. Just like in them story fables.”
    … :c… Am I the only one who thinks it looks weird that way?

#6

Welcone, I read through it and find your writing style is very good. Hope to see more.


#7

@Lordirish thankyou! :smiley:


#8

It’s hard proofreading your own stuff since your brain is more likely to auto-correct what’s written with what it thinks you put down. But that’s what beta-testers are for. :wink:

I found a few parts in your game where I think the spelling is off, or there’s a grammatical issue that I don’t know how to fix. I wish I could be of more help with those, but maybe other forum-members better at English than myself would be willing to lend a hand?


#9

So far I am liking what I am reading, (I will get back later with punctuation/spelling issues later if you want) your style flows very well and tends to keep one focused on the story instead of skimming through.

One major bug I will point out is on line 128 bad label did_not_accept


#10

@CS_Closet aaah my grammar skills are absolutely diabolical! XD (and my spelling isn’t that terrific either :c )
And it’s totally ok! But if you find any major mistakes, if you could point them out, that would be great:)!


#11

@Pace675 thank you! I am going to link up the ends now, I hope (if I can) so they all go to the ending screen. And, do you really think my style is focused? :open_mouth: I find that I tend to waffle quite a bit. I have been trying to cut it down in this story, mainly because it’s a choicescript game, and I haven’t seen many with long “pages” before…

C:

Also, two questions to anybody who may be reading this;
What is the general gender of everybody reading this? I am under the impression that it is mostly guys. Am I right? :slight_smile:
– And 2, not to pry, but if I wrote a romance factor into the game, because of the setting, to begin with, most of the interests will be men :S sooooooo…
I can try to add an Do you prefer Women or men option, but again, choicescript dazzles me with its many confusing commands c;
Sooooooo, as readers, are you okay with it? :smiley: (this is beginning to sound like a stupid question :x)


#12

I really like this so far, I got an error message after saying I wanted to go on the horse riding. I really hope you keep working on it. :slight_smile:


#13

@kkuomi
Happy to help however I can. :slight_smile:

As for your questions:

1: Last time I checked, I was not of the male gender. I think forum members are reasonably balanced in gender distribution, although I may just be assuming things…

2: I say write whatever you’re comfortable with. Having no female romantic option would seem a little unfair, but I’ve seen games released that do something similar. In my opinion, having AN option is better than nothing. Also, I’m fond of being able to pick preference, although that does require a tiny bit more coding and writing.

Just my opinions, though. :">


#14

got an error when i tried to go horse riding. id choose other things to go on farther, but thats not what id choose so i wont. please fix it. liked it up to that point. keep it up !!! =D>


#15

@kkoumi Yes I do mean what I said. You have a nice narrative, I do not dole out compliments just to be nice, for no one can improve without criticism, yes? :wink:

1: Male here but as CS_Closet stated there are more than a few women here that frequent the forums.

2: It come down to this, well for me anyways. Does it fit with the story, are you comfortable writing for that perspective? To me the more choices the merrier ^^. Myself I like otome/yuri (Heh, need more games with female protagonists. I think that’s the biggest like about most of the choice of games, they are the next best thing :wink: ) but I am also comfortable with yaoi side of things to, well if the character in question seems interesting enough, but I digress and tend to babble aimlessly.

Again an opinion, and they do tend to vary :smiley:


#16

this is the worst story i have ever seen…kidding


#17

Its a good game so far but
It just seems like it’s missing something…a Destrier perhaps


#18

I like this game so far
@817819 it’s prolly missing Somin cause it’s not done Lolz
And 1 I’m a guy but there r a few girls on here
2 I an definitely good with male interests tho some people like choices butt it entirely up to you :smiley:


#19

errors still there. its something about the website and the only thing shown is “{}” so idk what the problem is.


#20

ok so it says “the page at [insert website name} says ‘{}’” hope that helps. um it also does that when you decline to ride and accept to go on a walk. so im just like *sigh* …