Freehold, book 1

I’ve begun work on my new COG game, Freehold, book 1. In it, you play a normal, at least you think your normal, person, who gets attacked by a large furry creature, on a full moon. Things get stranger from there, with 4 strangers decideing to attach themselves to you, being 1 of the more tame ones.
You also have to deal with your sometimes paine in the ass? Sometimes sweet, and sometimes downright scarry kid sister, a child who may, or may not be much, much, much, more than she seems, and some other people. Here is the link:
https://dashingdon.com/play/arcsmith/freehold-book-1/mygame/
Anyway. I hope you enjoy it, and please give feedback.

36 Likes

Maintaining an update log would be better I think

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I was looking at the stats when I found this.

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Personally I never notice there is update unless author makes new post informing us there is update

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Is there any particular way to go about that? Or just create a post with an update skedual, if applicable?

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Thanks!
Should be fixed now, just re-uploaded the Choicescript_stats file.

Most WIP pages have one, if you can’t find a better one, you can look at mine: The Realm of Steel 11/8/20 Demo Update (Poll post 85)
Mine is kind of long and over explained, but it serves its purpose. A shorter one works too.

Also, I always do a short post with just a general overview of the update, then a more comprehensive edit for the update log. Like @fisheye, I prefer a post than searching through the update log, so I would say do both.

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Something like this…

Update log

17/11/2020
/////
18/11/2020
//////

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I think it’d be nice to also include the date of your most recent update in the title. That way, readers will be able to easily know if there is a new content.
for example:

Enchanted in Blood WIP (Updated 11/14/2020)]
The Odessa Dating Games (WIP) - UPDATED ON 11/17/2020
The Changeling Exchange - WIP updated August 28, 2020
Legacy (Updated 11/15/20)

And yeah, an “Update Log” also helps readers know what was updated specifically :smiley:

4 Likes

Are my mental records suppose to be blank, on the main_stats_page?

That makes sence. Though. How do you get the buttons to expand and collapse? Like, in the update logs each section you can expand or collapse.

Yes. There are 6 at least as of now, sections. “My mental records” is sort of just the title, then you have to open 1 of the choices for the infermation. Might change? But as of now, yes.

Oh lovely, Thanks for the quick reply by the way.

Sounds interesting and I wonder what are we

The idea of being a were-creature is definitely interesting but the large blocks of text in the demo are very hard to read.

2 Likes

You need a specific level of membership I think? It’s under the gear button when you’re writing something, the option hide the details.

I don’t want to be harsh, just trying to express my thoughts. Your idea is intriguing, but I think that your narrative lacks some kind of flow, some smoothness and a little bit of more immersion. The story is understandable and interesting on its own, but some misspelling ruin my experience a little bit. Maybe that’s my inner Microsoft Word :sweat_smile: I hope that you don’t receive this as a harsh critique or as offense. But I just wanted to share what I personally thought. Anyways good luck with your game

Edit:
Please see the attachment of the edited spellings in the first few chapters of your demo. I thought that I could share with you on how you could improve your spelling in the demo. As I said I only did the first few pages as I edited it during my little break. Also, as I was reading some dialogues and narrative I struggled to understand the meaning behind your words. Maybe it was the way you worded it? And in some places, there were unnecessary full stops (dots) that divided one sentence into one. Hope that it helps you and that it does not discourage you from sharing your works. I love reading demos on the forum.

Edits

Original:

Freehold, book 1

Note from the author
This book is about many things. What things truley are. Very very little, is what you first take it to be. Less, is what you take it to be after another glance.
This book is about being Human. What it is, to be truley. Human. The forms we take. The masks we ware. The identaties we craft around ourselves. Just because something is not. Human. Does not mean it is not. Human. Just because something, or someone, is “Human” on the surface, does not mean that it is, truley Human. However. That will be expanded apon later.
This book, is also about romance. Not just in the vilent moments that we have come to expect these days. It is about romance in the quiet momants of life. In a touch. A word. A glance. In a heartbeat. In the silance between.
Good luck. I hope you find this worth the time you spend reading it, and enjoy reading it, as much as I do createing this world. Now. Let us begin. Shall we?

Edited:

Freehold, book 1

Note from the author
This book is about many things. What things truly are. Very very little, is what you first take it to be. Less, is what you take it to be after another glance.
This book is about being Human. What it is, to be truly. Human. The forms we take. The masks we ware. The identities we craft around ourselves. Just because something is not. Human. Does not mean it is not. Human. Just because something, or someone, is “Human” on the surface, does not mean that it is, truly Human. However. That will be expanded upon later.
This book, is also about romance. Not just in the violent moments that we have come to expect these days. It is about romance in the quiet moments of life. In a touch. A word. A glance. In a heartbeat. In the silence between.
Good luck. I hope you find this worth the time you spend reading it, and enjoy reading it, as much as I do creating this world. Now. Let us begin. Shall we?

Original:

Prologue
The man stands, faceing the hulking shadow, grim. Relaxed. Sad, too.
"Get it done, he says, voice tired. I can’t help you. I would if I could? But. I can’t. "I.
The other, a tall, bearded figure with wild unkempt hair, dark skin, and cold green eyes snarls. "Just need your blood. I don’t need you.
The first man only chuckles, a hollow rasp in his throat. "No, you do need me. I can’t help you, in anycase. I would, if I could. Believe me. I have had chance, after chance, after chance. If I could give her another, and it only costing me my old life? I would make that trade, gladly. But. My blood won’t help, Borus.
"You. The other snarls, takeing a menosing step forwards, looming over the much smaller figure. You wouldn’t help?
"I would. The other says. If I could. I can’t. Even if you did have a lever on me, which you don’t? It wouldn’t do any good. My blood is old. She needs fresh blood. Young, blood. Bound, blood. My mate died. Long, long ago. "However. There is one. Freehold. I don’t know whom. You will have to find them yourself.
The large man stands, then. "I don’t want to kill you. He says, voice brakeing a little.
"No. The other says, a sardonic smile flitting across his face. You don’t. But, you will. You can’t not. I know where She, is. You can’t have another living soul know where your light, is. Your heart, is. The last being on this world, who makes your existance barible.
"You are as crazy as they say, the big man says. You knew, and you still came. Why? The smaller figure just grunts. Then.
"I don’t really know, Borrus. Not fear of what you would do. Your not a monster. Not, yet. You wouldn’t use the innasint. The pac’s laws. They still give you strength. Still bind you in welcom chains. Still keep you. Human? Perhaps. I do not know. Now. Get it done. Fast, if you please. I hate, you know. The big man grunts, then.
"Good by, old friend. I.
"It’s ok. The smaller says, moveing to place his hand on Borrus’s shoulder. Just. Do it. I hate long farewells. Remember Reo?
"Not helping, asshole. The big man growls.
"Sure it is. The smaller says. Just makeing sure you know why, your doing this. Not for you? Not for blood? Not because of anything. Your doing this, because of her. Her, and her, alone. Monsters kill to feed. Kill for themselves. Humans? Tru, humans? Soopernaturals. Enhanced. Offworlders? Baceliners? What ever. We kill? We kill, for others. Remember that, won’t you? When they take you down? When they put you in a cage. When the one you work so, so hard to save? Tares you apart, and eats your corpse. You, being the first feed of the coldheart who will live alongside her soul.
"All that looking into the future really does mess you lot up. The big man, Borrus, says with a smirk. That’s why you were so dam good at cards. The smaller, just shrugs. "Be a dear, and eat my corpse. Won’t you? Not like I will need it anyway. Might as well make it count for something. Right? The large man nods, then springs, bone snapping and popping as he moves. Blood splatters the wall. A corpse falls. The shadow stands for a second, then, gently, closes the corpse’s eyes, before turning, hefting the corpse into his arms like a mother, or father, with a precious child, and setting his face into a mask. His, mask.
Freehold. It was time, to go to Freehold. Time, to find this. Seaker. Time, to save the only thing in the world, he had left. The only person in this world, who keeps him Human. Keeps him, from devolving into the monsters that he had once hunted. Once killed. Once, protected the weak from. Borrus grunts, sharp fangs flashing in his muzzle before a single pare of bloody footprints stretches out, towards the door. Then, the door closes. Silance raines in this cold room once again

Edited:

Prologue
The man stands, facing the hulking shadow, grim. Relaxed. Sad, too.
"Get it done, he says, voice tired. I can’t help you. I would if I could? But. I can’t. "I.
The other, a tall, bearded figure with wild unkempt hair, dark skin, and cold green eyes snarls. "Just need your blood. I don’t need you.
The first man only chuckles, a hollow rasp in his throat. "No, you do need me. I can’t help you, in any case. I would, if I could. Believe me. I have had chance, after chance, after chance. If I could give her another, and it only costing me my old life? I would make that trade, gladly. But. My blood won’t help, Borus.
"You. The other snarls, taking a menacing step forwards, looming over the much smaller figure. You wouldn’t help?
"I would. The other says. If I could. I can’t. Even if you did have a lever on me, which you don’t? It wouldn’t do any good. My blood is old. She needs fresh blood. Young, blood. Bound, blood. My mate died. Long, long ago. "However. There is one. Freehold. I don’t know whom. You will have to find them yourself.
The large man stands, then. "I don’t want to kill you. He says, voice breaking a little.
"No. The other says, a sardonic smile flitting across his face. You don’t. But you will. You can’t not. I know where She, is. You can’t have another living soul know where your light, is. Your heart, is. The last being on this world, who makes your existence bearable.
"You are as crazy as they say, the big man says. You knew, and you still came. Why? The smaller figure just grunts. Then.
"I don’t really know, Borrus. Not fear of what you would do. Your not a monster. Not, yet. You wouldn’t use the innocent. The pack’s laws. They still give you strength. Still bind you in welcome chains. Still keep you. Human? Perhaps. I do not know. Now. Get it done. Fast, if you please. I hate, you know. The big man grunts, then.
"Good by, old friend. I.
"It’s ok. The smaller says, moving to place his hand on Borrus’s shoulder. Just. Do it. I hate long farewells. Remember Reo?
"Not helping, asshole. The big man growls.
"Sure it is. The smaller says. Just making sure you know why, your doing this. Not for you? Not for blood? Not because of anything. Your doing this, because of her. Her, and her, alone. Monsters kill to feed. Kill for themselves. Humans? True, humans? Supernaturals. Enhanced. Off-worlders? Baseliners? Whatever. We kill? We kill, for others. Remember that, won’t you? When they take you down? When they put you in a cage? When the one you work so, so hard to save? Tares you apart and eats your corpse. You, being the first feed of the cold heart who will live alongside her soul.
"All that looking into the future really does mess you lot up. The big man, Borrus, says with a smirk. That’s why you were so dam good at cards. The smaller, just shrugs. "Be a dear and eat my corpse. Won’t you? Not like I will need it anyway. Might as well make it count for something. Right? The large man nods, then springs, bone snapping and popping as he moves. Blood splatters the wall. A corpse falls. The shadow stands for a second, then, gently, closes the corpse’s eyes, before turning, hefting the corpse into his arms like a mother, or father, with a precious child, and setting his face into a mask. His, mask.
Freehold. It was time, to go to Freehold. Time, to find this. Seeker. Time, to save the only thing in the world, he had left. The only person in this world, who keeps him Human. Keeps him, from devolving into the monsters that he had once hunted. Once killed. Once, protected the weak from. Borrus grunts, sharp fangs flashing in his muzzle before a single pare of bloody footprints stretches out, towards the door. Then, the door closes. Silence rains in this cold room once again

Original

Thud thud thud.
Thud thud thud. Wishing the banging would just go away, I rub at my arm, noticeing the large wound, is now just a scar. Must have, I murmer, snuggling down into my warm bedding. Dreamed it all, then. Especially when that flying one.
I mutter, then.
Thud thud thud. I groane once more, more of a "go the hell away, grone than anything else. I just hear a foot kicking the door. I say something rude, shambling out of my nice warm bed into the goddam cold of my room. At least the frigid air now rushing over my naked form helps to wake me. I guess?
I grope around, looking, then I remember that I don’t have any pants. Or, my best dam belt, either. I liked that belt. I liked those pants. At least I had forgotten my phone, I think. Or, would have lost that too. I blink, remembering the frigid air. The hand. The warmpth from said hand. The attack. The hot breath on my face. The surge of agany in my left arm. My pants falling off.

Top of Form

"I’m coming, I’m coming. I growl, stomping towards the door. You don’t have to brake the dam thing down, you know?

"Go away! I snap, annoyed.

I say nothing. Do, nothing. Hopeing she will just leave.

Bottom of Form

Edited

Thud thud thud.
Thud thud thud. Wishing the banging would just go away, I rub at my arm, noticing the large wound, is now just a scar. Must have, I murmur, snuggling down into my warm bedding. Dreamed it all, then. Especially when that flying one.
I mutter, then.
Thud thud thud. I groan once more, more of a "go the hell away, gone (? I am having some trouble understanding the conversation) than anything else. I just hear a foot kicking the door. I say something rude, shambling out of my nice warm bed into the goddam cold of my room. At least the frigid air now rushing over my naked form helps to wake me. I guess?
I grope around, looking, then I remember that I don’t have any pants. Or, my best dam belt, either. I liked that belt. I liked those pants. At least I had forgotten my phone, I think. Or, would have lost that too. I blink, remembering the frigid air. The hand. The warmth from said hand. The attack. The hot breath on my face. The surge of agony in my left arm. My pants falling off.

Top of Form

"I’m coming, I’m coming. I growl, stomping towards the door. You don’t have to brake the dam thing down, you know?

"Go away! I snap, annoyed.

I say nothing. Do, nothing. Hoping she will just leave.

Original

I stand, my back cracking as I do with a surprisingly good fealing pop, and move to the door like a member of the living dead. It’s a month too late for that, but what do I care? I just woke up. Give me some slack, won’t yeah? "Comeing, comeing. I snap, annoyed. You don’t have to brake the dam thing down, you know? I like my door? I just here a soft snort before another impact rattles my door in it’s frame. Harder this time. Of course, I think, she would do that. I sigh inwardly.
I open the door, swinging it back. Emediatly, a loud voice blares into my room, sounding annoyed.

Top of Form

Bro! I hear the teenaged voice bark.

Sis! I hear the teenaged voice bark.

A! Sibling! I hear the teenaged voice bark.

Bottom of Form

Edited

I stand, my back cracking as I do with a surprisingly good feeling pop, and move to the door like a member of the living dead. It’s a month too late for that, but what do I care? I just woke up. Give me some slack, won’t yeah? "Coming, coming. I snap, annoyed. You don’t have to brake the dam thing down, you know? I like my door? I just here a soft snort before another impact rattles my door in its frame. Harder this time. Of course, I think, she would do that. I sigh inwardly.
I open the door, swinging it back. Immediately, a loud voice blares into my room, sounding annoyed.

Top of Form

Bro! I hear the teenage voice bark.

Sis! I hear the teenage voice bark.

Ah! Sibling! I hear the teenage voice bark.

7 Likes

I will take a look. To be honest though? I was worried that the text blocks would be too small. Heh.
Is this across the full demmo, or just at a particular portion?

Thanks for the feedback! Nah, it’s fine. Yeah, I can see how spelling might break emertion.
Though, I’m looking through your edits. What did you use to denote individual differences? Apart from the ***edit / ***original, tags?

I agree with the others that I found it a little bit hard to read. Fixing the spelling errors would go a long way. You could try copying all of your text/code into Word or another text editor with spell check and then go through it. You also have some strange punctuation where it seems like you’re ending sentences too soon.

I think the actual paragraphs you have are not too big, but adding a bigger space between them would help to make it more readable.

Ex:

  1. now your text
    looks like this

  2. make your text

have bigger spaces between paragraphs

It does seem like an interesting premise and I hope you keep working on it! I look forward to seeing more (:

5 Likes