Here is an amusing error at the end of the obstacle path scene:
In this case, “wart” should be “war” although the wart path fits my First’s attitude at this point 
3 Likes
I liked the new outfit style “Leather and Metal”, I will only use this one 
And Morrigan likes that style, I think she is going to be my canon romance, she and my First are almost kindred souls 
Outfit: Standard KRV hoody and pants
Shouldn’t it update after I choose my style?
And I think the second part shouldn’t be on the same line:
-Has been conditioned and trained by Mr. Luger to plan their actions out and move accordingly, using mind before body, keep this in mind in case of conflict. -As most of our staff knows, First possesses a form of Aquaphobia… Thalassaphobia; which translates into a fear of large bodies of water.
Isn’t Lollipop’s power Tier 3? She is listed as Tier 2 in her profile.
1 Like
Loved the new style choices and the edits you made to describing the others. It’s also pretty cool that we can choose how conservative First is. Can’t wait to see various reactions to a more risqué First. Also, love Hightide’s hair 🖒.
3 Likes
Tiers aren’t exactly ‘how powerful’ but rather what they can do with them. Lollipop is a powerful tier 2 being able to do a lot of different things with the same power.
5 Likes
It came to my mind…if someday this WIP gets an official release (I hope so!!) you could put your character drawings in it. Maybe inside the profiles of the stats screen. They are just too cool to not be seen by everybody. 
6 Likes
Eh, not everybody likes to see “official” art. Better make it optional (so maybe not as part of the stat screen) or an IAP or something…
4 Likes
I wouldn’t want anyone to ‘pay’ for something I do for fun… and I’m far from a professional artist. Though I’ll likely set up a gallery somewhere when I finally finished this beast.
7 Likes
Ah. Yeah. Some people like to imagine instead of seeing. 
But it could be a nice a optional setting. I remember “Trial of the Demon Hunter” had optional music/sound. (And I think it’s the only one. Do you know more? I play most games but not all.)
Something like that could be worked with images. If Snoe is interested, of course.
That’s cool too. I love that you say “when” and not “if”. 
4 Likes
I wouldn’t want anyone to ‘pay’ for something I do for fun… and I’m far from a professional artist. Though I’ll likely set up a gallery somewhere when I finally finished this beast.
We think in terms of the words we use so by using ‘when’ I am constantly reassuring myself that I WILL finish this. I use psychology on myself too lol
Problem is psychology is like a magic trick if you know how it works it’s not really magic anymore.
But thanks either way.
Truth be told another reason I wouldn’t want to put pics in the story is because I would love to eventually see what fan art pops up to see how differently others see these characters. That would be awesome.
13 Likes
Wait for me. I shall draw my Freak squad like the Goth Kids from South Park. Clearly everybody will be inspired by First’s dark fashionable fashionista fashion when we r̶u̶l̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶l̶d̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶b̶a̶e̶ ̶S̶i̶l̶i̶c̶ became popular.
Oh. That makes me wonder, is the style we pick in the store permanent for the rest of the game? Or we can change it for a special event or scene?
That was really well said hahaha. I love Psychology. And I’m low-key forever butthurt that it’s usually considered a low-class science and/or the useless optional subject. I heard that my old school got rid of it because of low demand. Such a shame.
5 Likes
The reason psychology is hard to associate as a science just because there are no universal guidelines. For example chemistry if you mix two chemicals together you get the same reaction every time you mix the same chemicals in the same way, in a way chemistry is easier because you can identify and measure all the parts and oredictbthecreaction.
Psychology is difficult to measure because the variables aren’t tangible and are constantly changing you can’t calculate it but you can make educated guesses. Scientists aren’t fond of guess work.
But I’ve actually found all of that psychology very helpful when writing…and four-years of drama in highschool.
I didn’t get out much as a kid lotta indoor hobbies and hiding in libraries… now that I think about it much of that has bled into the story lol never saw that before very neat.
7 Likes
Cool. I just started a psychology degree myself and one of my lecturers basically said that the current way of thought (cognitivism) is probably not right just like how behaviorism had its problems. I mean what did we expect, the human brain is the most complex thing in the known universe. We might not understand a lot until we can make proper A.I (if we ever can).
4 Likes
first of, good job. i like what you’ve done so far. i noticed some typo’s while playing and thought i’d look the code over for any i didn’t catch first time 'round. (on that note, looking through the code of a compiled game is literally the worst thing ever.)
grammar isn’t my strong suit (or at least i feel it isn’t, yet.) but i’ve included some sentences that felt ‘off’. so whenever i point out adding periods or commas feel free to ignore me entirely.
i’ve only checked what feels like half the game so far. Will make a follow up post with the remainder.
Summary
“Not to mention last bit that caught your attention”
the/that last bit
These hero’s and villains fell between the cracks.
heroes
so they insisted calling you {he_gs} or {him_gs} sometimes the dehumanizing ‘it’.
insisted on calling you
(also i feel like there should be a comma behind r${him_gs} )
You used to wonder what it would feel like to say it yourself, and wonder what your voice would sound like?
there shouldn’t be a question mark at the end of this sentence.
You often wondered why all the scientists hadn’t learnt it yet?
question mark
what are you in the mood for H.P. Lovecraft or Stephen King?
capitalization on what - comma or question mark after for
Dr. Francis… pale face thinning mop of straight orange hair and monster beak of a nose stood at the far end of the firing range.
comma after pale face
Your favourite genre’s and authors
genres
Show how tired of these tests you were and causing quite a bit of damage in the process.
Showing how tired …
Photo’s of the world outside.
Photos of …
She brought you a shoe box to keep them in, of which you tucked under your bed.
… keep them in, which you kept tucked …
and your collection grew little by little and agreeing to behave during Francis’ experiments.
… little by little for agreeing to behave …
Commencing live fire test 6, subject First how shown resistance to lesser small-arms fire a proceeding to a higher caliber medical staff on stand by.
Commencing live fire test 6. Subject First has shown resistance to lesser small-arms fire. Proceeding to a higher caliber. Medical staff on stand by.
Those days coincidentally fell on Lydian’s vacations
Lydia’s
That hole-paper of his didn’t react well to water.
holo-paper
The red headed scientist was screaming that you did it on purpose was completely unfounded,unproven and impossible… maybe… but his screaming hurt your ears.
… that you did it on purpose. Which was completely …
The powers-that-be knew all to well that
… knew all too well …
Luger or Lydia any barrier between you and Dr. Francis was a good one
Luger or Lydia, any barrier …
Managing a grimace and a glare, you’ve made it known that weren’t big on being told what to do by anyone
… made it known that you weren’t big on …
Mr. Luger was always nice Dr. Francis was a bit different
period after nice
You distinctly recall sitting there clutching the broken panel your shoulders raised to your ears as he screamed and hollered blame.
comma after panel
your afternoon meal the effects wore off and you were back to yourself.
back to being yourself
You drop your bag and changed into a fresh set of clothes.
… and change into … or You dropped your …
He was pretty limber for an old man the platinum blonde mop of hair dangling loosely as he touched his toes.
comma after man
"Today’s a relay race where do you wanna go?
period after race
This terrain was all about moving vertically powerful jumps, soft landings, and using momentum to follow through with longer leaps.
suggest adding ‘performing’ before ‘powerful jumps’ or another comma.
Seems like Luger was intent on teanching ‘landings at speed’.
teaching
He didn’t let up till the move was seamless.
i know till isn’t wrong, but it is commonly seen as such in america. might be better to just use ‘until’.
Real or not watching the sun drift below the horizon was never any less magical.
comma after not
You can’t resist the urge to tease your instructor, calling his attention with an amused assists.
One of these day’s you’ll pay for being so ‘mouthy’.
days
With a two fingers and a gentle tap
With two fingers …
being really being honest
One could suppose that is heart was in the right place
… his heart …
Luger caught that glaze the disbelief in your eyes
how well you can withstand and fight through, pain, and fatigue.
unnecesarry comma after through
eo (terrestrial manipulator), High-tide, and (water-manipulator) Vyde (power generator)
move (water-manipulator) behind High-tide.
the politically correct form those with Darwins Syndrome.
… form for those …
to go through an induced version Darwins Syndrome
… version of Darwins …
entire people section has recurring ‘mistakes’ in the notes part. some sentences are capitalized, some aren’t. some have periods at the end of the sentence, some don’t.
There powers vary wildly but stem from the brain in all instances.
Their/These
His body is holds a constant nearly lethal current of energy
get rid of the ‘is’
This charge can be amplified to hight heat disintegrating incoming projectiles
“hight heat” into high temperatures
Assassin/Mercenary/Theif
Thief
if it pays Silic will deliver.
comma after pays
untrustworthy…unless money has changed hands
space after the ‘…’
-Can pickup ‘surface’ thoughts
pick up
suspect an other Darwin’s assistance
even though “an other” is correct, it’s rarely used. change to another?
Occupation: Alantus city
High-tide’s occupation doesn’t mention occupation.
Chief access to Vyde based technologies ei) clean energy generation
i.e.
Keep all business dealings above board, do not allude to secret projects
as this is KRV notes about someone else “Keep” should be “Keeps” and “do not” should be “does not”.
A combination of skills, equipment, and intellect put Ten on par with beings many levels above him.
puts (unless statement is no longer true)
acts like an air head but is a manipulative selfish and cold.
comma after manipulative. remove ‘a’ or add ‘person’ after ‘cold’.
She hides her intelligence well though with that distasteful impression of a tart.
Omni ‘her pet project’ is a good publicity for the company, and an excellent opportunity to test Darwin technologies.
get rid of the ‘a’ in front of ‘good’.
-The Carnigan Family, is extensive atleast ten Children
at least
Energy absorbtion, and Adaptation
absorbption
such attacks are almost a garauntee for casualties.
guarantee
The physical exam was the same set of instructions as it had for your whole life
… as it had been for your …
Not too mention you were a lot stronger
Not to mention …
Francis though… the way he was with you still so impersonal despite the recent lingering touch or odd comment.
she made these physicals less awkward was even stepping in when you were on the verge of reacting ‘poorly’.
one could be forgiven for mistaking you for a girl you’re so cute.
One could be forgiven for mistaking you for a girl. You’re so cute.
but you weren’t an albino so it was cause by something else
caused
Lydia had caught you once frowning upon the theft and the attempt your long hair in hand and scissors at the ready.
Francis repeating the weekly script with bit of a change-up thrown in.
… with a bit of a change-up …
Kinda those monsters in horror stories.
Kinda like those …
Meaning your eyes were glowed in the right light
remove ‘were’
Just last week you’d been put through the ringer Luger and Francis putting together a gauntlet of sorts.
Just last week you’d been put through the ringer. Luger and Francis had put together a gauntlet of sorts.
So this playground was apparently designed to keep running until you passed trial or passed out.
… passed the trial …
You’d always got the feeling that Luger didn’t want you any where near violence.
anywhere
Seemed simple enough, though there had to be more to it that a vicious game of hide and seek.
… more to it than a vicious …
He had a point you didn’t get much of a chance to go all out.
He had a point. You didn’t …
Ever the snide oldman Luger sighs and shrugs
old man
Consider today’s exercise and opportunity to work out some of that angst.
… exercise an opportunity …
Luger gave the signal and the room hummed to life the flash of the projectors followed outlining structures of light with spinning beams that carved free these solid shapes.
period after ‘life’. comma after ‘followed’.
ou could charge straight up the middle and destroy the cannon first; it might not be able to get a clear shot but .50cal machine-guns were going to sting.
… clear shot but the .50cal …
You could move from the front you’d be taking a lot of fire or from the flank.
… from the front although you’d be …
Climbing the side of a building but staying in cover, would want to get shot if more of those turrets came out while you re-conned the area.
… in cover, wouldn’t want to … while you reconned the area.
you’d thank Luger later but now you’ve got a the entire orchestra of turrets zeroing in on you.
remove ‘a’
wouldn’t aim for directly at you but rather where you were standing.
remove ‘for’
You make landing on a fire escape to the right the tank-shell cratering the spot where you were previously.
But also consider the other guns, much nimbler… if Luger was behind the remote control on those you might be playing into his trap.
taking few rounds in the side as you reach and grip the barrel of the first offender.
taking a few rounds … (this sentence occurs x3 times)
Just as you come to an end of your swing you here the click of a reload and it was far too late to easily dodge.
… swing you hear the click …
You pull hard and grunt the creak and snap of a few bolts sound
Yeah a friendly fire situation is perfect, use the guns to against each other!
…, use the guns against each other!
Back on the ground you kept moving, putting yourself ahead of the guns you come to the first gun finding the right position for both of its kin to shred the steel holding it together.
Back on the ground you kept moving, putting yourself ahead of the guns you come to the first turret and found the right position for both of its kin to shred the steel holding it together. (reads a bit better imo)
The cannon fired close after any you slipped out of the way.
remove ‘any’
time to double think this how can you get pull this off?
period after ‘this’. “How can you pull this off?”
Duck and weave into the alley’s its the best plan you’ve got for the moment
… alleys is the best …
You kick you foot into the cement and lower into a running stance then bolt forward blasting chunks of the rod up into the air behind you.
You kick your foot … chunks of the road up …
You take hold of gun at the stock and rip free the service panel.
… hold of the gun at …
You weren’t exactly ‘subtle’ but you were strong so.
remove ‘so’.
Twisting the turret against its gears the creak and screech of crumpling steel as you fire off one shot shutting up on the of the other turrets.
Twisting the turret against its gears, hearing the creaking and screeching of crumpling steel as you fire off one shot shutting up on the of the other turrets. (reads a bit better imo)
The click of an shell entering the chamber signals you to RIP it off its moorings
a shell … rip …
You kicked in the chest so hard that you were thrown.
You were kicked …
Just gotta pick something just right for the job that cannon was a ways off, the other guns weren’t all that much to worry about from here.
period after ‘job’.
You watch the cannon and keep track of .50cals as their bullets pelt the street around you in a constant hail.
… keep track of the .50cals …
A well timed slide and handspring combo land you behind a rusted out car.
… lands you …
It’s then you spot you’re opportunity.
… your opportunity.
Well placed brick struck the steel stock curling the turret to aim into the dirt.
A well placed brick struck the steel stock of a turret curling it to aim into the dirt.
The crash and splinter of wood making quite the show as the cannon went silent in it mangle position at the end of the street.
… went silent in its mangled position …
You can take a glancing shot, you shift your stance at an angle giving the shell enough contact not to throw you digging a heel back.
Without the back up of the other guns the Cannon is alone defenseless and easily out maneuvered.
cannon shouldn’t be capitalized. … easily outmaneuvered.
You toy with the gun, moving with natural grace, leading the cannon’s aim and you move.
… leading the cannon’s aim as you move.
You rely on your strength and size this time bracings against the walls.
… this time bracing against …
Your speed as always been your best weapon
Your speed has always …
It was just as its name eluded to
It was just as its name alluded to
your fast so you can close the distance and swat ‘some’ of the rockets aside
you’re fast …
your weight causing each step to sink a bit.
1 space too many between weight and causing
But walking into explosives was just plain stupid the attacks so peeling a plate of steel from the nearest wall and intending it to be your shield.
You could shrug off the majority of the blast and press passed the pain as long as you rooted your steps.
… press past …
You’re not going to risk being pummelled by by rockets.
remove one ‘by’
The first shot was graze, even with your prepared state.
… was a graze, …
It clipped your shoulder just as you came to end and hopped down out of its range.
… came to the end …
That gun was not joke… think you might be bleeding.
… no joke …
One of the tentacle swings for you,
tentacles
You’re well out of the way before the first tentacle cracks down like a stone whip and slide back from the one that followed…
You’d noticed that this was going to be constant barrage
… to be a constant barrage
You know what you need to do and using your brute strength to pound your way to the other side!
You know what you need to do which is using your …
You put a ‘you sized’ hole in it and the whole tower of gravel fell to pieces raining stone while you continued to charge through quarry the other tentacles trying to stop you and failing to even slow you down.
… charge through the quarry with the other tentacles …
You can use you momentum and weight, like a spear you needed only pierce their defenses and make a break for the opposite side.
… you needed only to pierce …
You back in the quarry, the whoosh of air in your ears the crunching sound of concrete under your over powered strides.
Trapped when one of the other began to swing toward you.
“others”/“other tentacles”
Several tons of rock on either side, the strike from shattering the damaged tentacle and launching you into another in motion. Like a baseball tossed toward a batter a third wound up you dazed and helpless and getting slapped across the quarry.
Curling through the air and landing against the side of the building momentum sticking you to the wall for but a moment.
You came to a stop ad knelt there sweat dripping from your body.
… a stop and knelt …
bolting straight through was just plain stupid, pure full throttle speed wasn’t the problem it was getting through the thick rows of rock tentacles.
capitalization on bolting.
It was going to sting but it wasn’t impossible if you think it through.
it won’t be impossible OR if you thought it through
Before too long, weary and bruised you found that yo made it to the other side!
… found that you made it …
You were thinning the numbers they attack faster than they could reform so moving through the holes of crippled tentacles was easy but still this method was tiring a struggle to keep rooted.
You were thinning the numbers. They were attacking faster than they could reform so moving through the holes of crippled tentacles was easy. But still this method was tiring as you struggled to keep rooted.
It was when you were thrown by the last attempt did you realize how exhausted you were, barely standing back pressed against a cracked wall
… last attempt that you realized how … barely standing with your back pressed …
You batted around a few more times and much more violently than you’d ever experienced before.
You’re batted …
"It’s a official kiddo, its better to be lucky than tough, you made it through.
remove ‘a’.
It was a neat little set up as far as the real time map was set up.
It was a neat little set up as far as the real time map was concerned. (?)
Wonderful this was going to be a battle royal!
comma after Wonderful. battle royale!
Luger was ever in your corner
You’d take a hit or two but you’d get some first hand idea of what they can do at the very east and maybe spy a few weaknesses in the process.
… at the very least …
They build this as a battle royal area just for your new playmates and yourself.
battle royale
Take the souther group, there’s more cover if you intend on the ninja route.
southern
and approximately three metric tones a piece
tons
From the briefing and your own hide and observe you watched how they moved.
Luckily you were quite dexterous not a wasted move.
Luckily you were quite dexterous and not making a single wasted move.
the way it moved and and a few altered parts
remove one ‘and’
It was going to take some fanciness to get outta this one un-singed!
narrator hasn’t been colloquial so far. change ‘outta’ to ‘out of’?
*if hit > 100 You never saw it coming… you’d been too beat up and distracted to hear the click under foot… a minefield… BOOM!
no typos here, but maybe change this to mention that the shockwave knocked MC into said minefield. otherwise this comes a bit out of left field with actions resolving in this order “in factory > on top of car > get spotted > dodge missiles > minefield”
4 Likes
Just finished a playtest, looks good so far. Looking forward to the next stage of interacting with Silic.
4 Likes
Started going through again with a more critical eye for the words. Spotted something that needs tweaking:
“Just last week you’d been put through the ringer…” should be changed to “Just last week you’d been put through the wringer…”
2 Likes
Stll working through the mighty fix list provided by @WaNeZot
(much thanks for that by the by)
And to you to @Bloodwyche
aside from that I’d like to share ‘my version’ of First aka Remy wearing a Pride Initiatives original outfit. (NON-CANON, just my imagining when I right a trouble making smart ass that will ally themselves with Silic.) Yes that’s a street light 
My Remy:
Troublemaker
Smart ass
Reckless
Instinctual
Creatively dressed in Risqué style
Will kill if necessary
And is an Androgyne
Loves to torment Ten and cause trouble with Silic secret pines for Vyde.
17 Likes
Your First and my First sound like siblings that think alike - different fashion sense, although weirdly complimentary.
2 Likes
Sibling would be the proper term but I can see its hard to tell:)
sorry. I’ll edit the post.