Freak: Amidst the Neon Lights WIP and playtest.... last update July 4th 2019

omg, hi snoe its been a while and I was super psyched to see that you’ve updated <33

I’m sure someone has probably mentioned all of these, but i figure why not leave them here just in case

Also I laughed way to hard when First was getting mouth to mouth and they just sent Mr.Gray flying xD and I really love the extended Empathy scene. Really fills in some of the knowledge gap between First and the reader.

Prologue

“You managed to eaves drop on a few guards ‘discussing’ something about you at the far side of the hallway.”

  • Eavesdrop is supposed to be one word I believe

“Not too mention last bit caught your attention ‘all these freaks are the same’. “

  • To

I didn’t take long, handling many of the worn and frayed pages of your favourites, some torn and taped back together. “

  • It
  • Favorites

Five years later

“Why did he have this boulder sized chip on his shoulder about you, and you weren’t too crazy about him either.”

  • Doesn’t really seem like this should be a compound sentence. Kind of awkward to read.

“The red headed scientist was screaming that you did it on purpose was completely unfounded,unproven and imppossible… maybe… but his screaming hurt your ears.”

  • Another awkward sentence. Should probably be “the red headed scientist’s screaming that you did it on purpose was completely unfounded” or “The read headed scientist was screaming that you did it on purpose, which was completely unfounded.”
  • Space between unfounded and unproven
  • Impossible

“The powers-that-be knew all to well that you had an inclination for trouble-making and there were only a few people on the staff that could dissuade those tendencies.”

  • Too

“Mr. Luger walked along with you every time often making conversation…mostly critiquing yesterdays performance”

  • Yesterday’s

“Stepping in behind Luger as he found the wall terminal.”

  • Incomplete sentence I think?

“Luger turning around with the grumble of ‘appropriate behaviour’ and something like that.”

  • Sentence feels like it should continue on to something, maybe change it to “turned”

“You did your stretches with Mr. instructor, from fingers to wrists, wrists to elbows and so on.”

  • Capital I in instructor

“Making sure you were well stretched. Luger followed suit with proper form and stopping to correct you poor posture if you were trying to cut corners. “

  • Think that was supposed to be a comma rather than a period?

“It would’ve been nice to be let in on the big secret but NOPE ‘keep running in circle’s Mira.’ “

  • Circles

“Your body buzzed fro hours afterward like you’d been overcharged… or something. “

  • For

“Sure it’s not the easiest to move at speed but you have to get it right first before you can do it fast. “

  • Awkward phrasing. Maybe “at high speeds”?

“You think it’s ‘bull’ to steal half a word from him.”

  • Maybe add a comma after ‘bull’, at first I was confused as who was stealing half words from Luger.

“You could call that ’cheating’, either way. It left you both exhausted and drenched with sweat every day you were lucky enough to spend it training.”

  • Feel like “either way” fits better with the second sentence than the first?

###Four years later

“You’ve read that white was a rare hair colour for someone your age, but you weren’t an albino so it was cause by something else; something to add to the mystery that was ‘you’. “

  • Caused

“Enjoying Francis’ struggle you almost fail to notice that the old weakness from the inhaler wasn’t quite as strong as it was before ever so slightly as the days weeks and months passed it’d just become more noticeable as of late. “

  • A bit awkward. Maybe break it up at “as strong as it was before. Ever so slightly as the days, weeks, and months passed, it became more noticeable.”

“So this playground was apparently designed to keep running until you passed trial or passed out. “

  • “passed the trial” or maybe just remove the word trail. “until you passed or passed out”

“There’ll be a drone at the far end of the course, you’re supposed to hunt it down and get retrieve its processor oh… uhhmmmm… just rip its head off and return to this point and you win."

  • Redundancy.

Lucky you’re not some hulking brute you’d sink into thhe gravel and that wouldn’t be good for your mobility.

  • The

“The quarry settles low and is wide, anything happening in here woulld be contained.”

  • Would

“Francis cut Luger off so rudely that even you wanted to hit the weasle.”

  • Weasel

“Though if you wanted you might just beable to kick up dust if you crush some gravel”

  • Be able

“SO one could guess that the objective was to just get through rather than fight them. “

  • So

“From your rouch you pounced up and toward the first tentacle off of it. “
-crouch

###Back to the present

“The argument was epic and Francis was totally on the defencive denying everything.”

  • Defensive

###???
“Silic saw fit to explain himself before your fatigued mind came up with some other damning story”

  • Gendered pronoun

“Silic obviously didn’t knnow the particulars about you”

  • Know

“If Silic starts acting as the MadHatter…”

  • Mad Hatter

“It wasn’t like you were scary to look at with your tiny fram.”

  • Frame

“The metal lid from your container was a good hint for Silic to wary. “

  • To be wary

###Chapter I
“Even you have to breathe and it was starting too hard to do even that!”

  • “to Get” before too.

“Whatever the label Freak meant ‘this’ guy wasn’t too fond of it and apparently it meant ‘you’ and not him; odd considering What Silic told you.”

  • Capital what

“Whatever the label Freak meant ‘this’ guy wasn’t too fond of it and apparently it meant ‘you’ and not him; odd considering What Silic told you. Add to the fact that it did seem like a good thing to be associated with Silic either. Your red saviour just maybe, had a body count on the ground as-well as in the sky. But according to Silic Freaks had ‘powers’ so where did this man who moved metal fit in?” and “is man seemed to be using magnetism… moving metal with that wand of his. “

  • Bit of an inconsistency here. First refers to “mr. Gray’s” magnetism before he shows his power in any way. Maybe chance it so that the correlation is with the strange costumes?

“Oh good, now the show can begin, don’t go down to fast you two.”

  • Too fast

““Oooooo hiss this is Sooo intense…one question though,” Silic let its voice hang and draw out the sound for longer than necessary, stuck by an epiphany and bursting into laughter “You bloody idiots didn’t tell Vyde you were filming in ‘his’ territory!” “

  • Not a question, but that can probably be chalked up to Silic being Silic XD

““No they didn’t Sil…” Vyde’s bright green eyes flick from one person to the next, energy licking across his flesh in smooth streams and loud Zzzzzzptt; a seemingly unintentional display. You could feel the air buzzing with energy… is that why Vyde was barefoot in the grass? Remaining grounded? His suit’s leggings exposed the heels and toes of his feet. You caught sight of micro arcs of that green energy bleeding off and into the ground. “Your mistake is coming to Alantus at all,” “

  • This is a bit confusing as too who he is talking to in the last line. It seems like he’s diverting his attention to the Swigs. Maybe change it to “But your mistake was coming to Alantus at all.”

“”Breaking news in South Seyers District!” You see a finely dressed man and woman looking at the screen and talking… to… everyone it seemed… OH this is a NEWS cast…this thing is a television, cool! Different than you’d imagined. “

  • Italized for some reason

“The white haired by stander seems to be quite the impressive specimen by the looks of things."

  • Bystander

“Yes, and if oour viewers were allowed to see that mug my my, what a beautiful bad-ass we have here.”

  • Our

“Good bad it, doesn’t make much of a difference.”

  • “Good, bad, it doesn’t”

“The rest of her was intimidating to put it lightly, powerfully built muscular, tan with a long red man of hair barely tamed into a ponytail.”

  • Mane

“That was Ten years ago and since the power plant was up and running the city grew into a metropolis”

  • Unnecessary capitalization

““Now enough talking… you two get the hell out of here and stay out of trouble.” He added with a big smile.

Chapter II: Heroes, and Villains, and Darwins, Oh My! The blue water, the stench “

  • Should probably be two separate “pages”?
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Long list there, and I haven’t even read the update yet :smile:.

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Our favorite and lovable bunny is a Canadian and they tend to stick with the olde English ways <3. But great catches with the rest.

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Uh, that would be “ye olde English ways”, please.

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tsk
-in deep southern accent-
“Around these here parts, we only accept the one true 'nglish. AMURICAN! USA USA USA”

XD
At least that’s how my Word feels, gosh Word be more culturally sensitive.

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Word the document or word the speech :wink:?

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I’m sure he meant the document.

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Most spell checkers aren’t Canadian friendly gots’ta muck with the dictionary a little wit those un’s (in laymens terms lol)

I actually didnt know you were Canadian Snoe… I gotta focus more. Ahem. Though i did think you were like English or around those area. Though i think Canadians are around that area.

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Nah we just inherited a few inconvenient things from an assortment of countries and sorting out all the different inputs. Too much going on at once to see the whole picture.

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Has this been asked before, if so apologise but who are the ROs because I have my suspects lined up.
stares down Silic, Empathy, ten,Vyde and Francis

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so no snoe Hat Merch, or plushy bunny Mounties then?

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Francis???(Sry jus shocked)
The creepy weasel dude?
That guy is among the least likeable thus far. Heck Miles Carnegan is more pleasant.

Ummm… you got the others right but that’s not all of them.

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Lol maybe if a gets all famous ill invest in snoe plushies :wink:

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no no its First Plushies which you can do a competition to see whose first becomes a plushy

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Hi there! This is one of my absolute favourite WIPs and I finally made an account here because I wanted to tell you just how much I’m enjoying it! I’ve played through it a bunch of times to see how the different choices affect things and I really love the different “voices” you gave the protagonist and how much personality each character has. The characters interacting with each other are definitely the highlight for me.

So far I especially like Vyde because finally somebody appreciates my optimism and I love the combination of kind-hearted, scary-powerful, and lime green (and that drawing you did of him was awesome).
Silic really stands out to me, too, because of how much fun its dialogue is (any character that has the word “sashay” describing their movement is an instant win in my book). Speaking of which, did I read that right? Silic is a potential RO? Oh, happy day!

Really, though, it’s hard to pick out a few favourites without just listing everyone. I’m really looking forward to playing more and getting to know all of them better! Fantastic work so far :clap:

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-OFFENDED ORACLE NOISES-

YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN VYDE AND SILIC?
OH GOD

IM NOT READY FOR THIS
http://i.amz.mshcdn.com/eOYFVZK8Wod8SR8y1UnPz2EpwD0=/fit-in/1200x9600/http%3A%2F%2Fmashable.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F06%2FCommunity.gif

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that is the funniest thing ever XD

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LMao that’s awesome

considering how fundametally different Vyde and Silic are.

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But that’s the problem isn’t it. T^T

If they were similar, than there’d be no need for me to romance both since one path would inevitably be the same as the other.

But they’re both so compelling in different ways that I want to know how they’d both react to my morally ambiguous you-hit-me-I-hit-back First.

PLUS POWER COUPLES
tiny power couples in Vyde’s case

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