Glad to know you returned to working on this series.
I actually really wanted to read first two books, but then caught up with all that sad situation that seemed to be happening around this project lately. So I just restrained myself from getting into promisible setting/story that maybe never be finished…
Anyway, again, congratulations on returning to work)
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Thanks!
Well, rest assured that the story will continue! I’m hoping to submit Volume Three very soon, so go ahead and take a look at the first couple volumes, if you’d like. I’m also going to do another round of beta testing for Captive of Fortune to fix the supposedly large amount of typos and bugs after I submit V3.
EDIT:
Okay, everyone, I’m actually going to add in insane end to this volume that will consist of an entire new chapter, which brings this volume to seven chapters total instead of six. I’m extremely excited about it can’t wait to see what you all think. I’m working really hard on these last couple chapters, so hopefully I’ll have them out on the demo soon.
Feel free to let me know if you have any comments or suggestions, or if you’ve found any bugs or typos, by the way. I anticipate only having this thread up for another month or so.
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Is there going to be a picture for Falcon as well?
Falcon has an illustration in Captive of Fortune. Mendax does, as well, but I was going to use those illustrations again in this volume, since the music and images required an IAP in v2. I’ll add Falcon’s and Mendax’s illustrations in the code today.
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Well, I’m going to disable the link when I get home tonight. It seems detrimental for me to have hundreds of people reading the story before it gets published when I’m getting almost zero feedback. It’s a shame because the last couple chapters (which are still being worked on, and not on the demo) are the most critical and the ones that would need the most testing.
Thanks for those who did provide feedback.
Hm…If you still take feedback, I want to mention that I feel a little bit like you may could have a pacing problem going on: The mission the MC is following is time intensive, still they get forced to stay in the village until they get better. So far so good, but I feel like the MC and those around them take this too lightly?
I also wonder…does this world know no ways to transport messages? Couldn’t the MC just send a messenger to Melithar? No really, it would seem like a sensible option and considering that MC tells literally everybody they meet about their mission I don’t see why they should not tell another person about it. If the Demon hunter can’t get to the moubntain with the magician maybe the magician should move his ass down said mountain to meet the MC? (I mean all the other people come also to the MC even people that would be smarter to get far away at least until MC gets better/certain guards did move on -cough- Falcon -cough- , what at least is convenient, I guess)
Anyway, it just feels strangely slow? And it really shouldn’t I think? All the urgency that gets communicated at the beginning of the story just fades away once the MC gets injured (which also gets treated rather inconsequent. It’s only one instance during which the MC is visibily struggeling and if the reader wants so can be used as flirting oppertunity. Considering what’s on the line I’m suprised that MC didn’t just said “fuck my health, this is more important” even if it would have ended in even more disaster)? There is one mention of internal restlessness if the player isn’t specifically choosing options that indicate it instead of interacting more with the NPCs.
And honestly it’s just not much that’s happening anyway that brings the plot forward? We have much NPC interaction but during that time not really much is happening besides “get to know your new crew, can’t do anything more anyway lmao”, what may would annoy people that just don’t like any of them or hoped for interaction with a specific NPC that may isn’t even appearing during this volume. Forced interaction with a specific set of NPCs wouldn’t even be that bad if we also would move a little bit forward with the plot, but until the rather short encounter between Falcon and Getrude nothing really happens? It just feels like a huge filler episode? I mean maybe the ending will change this but that doesn’t change that the other 80% of the volume feel comparable empty.
And I already mentioned that some of the dialog with NPCs feels somewhat artificial and honestly I think it really is because some parts are mostly exposition bordering to info dumping (btw, I still think they take too fast/easy a liking for the MC. I mean, I guess those mentions of said characters liking the MC already are just meant to give us an indication for how high the relationship stat with said character is, but I think they are misplaced and may would fit better either later or - in case you want to keep the relationships as part of the stat screen - could be cut out completely.) The way we get information about the NPCs seems meant as fast pointer for the reader to choose a favorite/RO for this volume. We get very clearly told: This is how this character is. Not “This is how this character sees themself” or “This is how others see that character”, but really plainly stating of facts about the characters (and their hobbies) without any depth behind the rather obvious front, we even get told about it just one or two scence before the NPCs nearly frantically get to demonstrate their trademark characteristics. Why tell us in some cases three times about it? Why is the characters demonstrating their personality and qirks not enough? I feel like I know weirdly much superficial stuff about those characters like Ceylar writing poetry or Lorelle being the healer TM but at the same time not that much from importance.
What also makes the dialog seem weird is that the MC just pretty much goes along with everything they get told. Even when there is a reason to assume that the MC doesn’t know certain things/has reason to doubt whatever they got told, we just basically have to go along with it. It really sometimes feels like the dialog is meant to only inform the reader, but not to be a reaction to/for the MC, and (depending on playstyle) that’s immersion breaking. And all in all is MC forced to be only an onlooker what is frustrating on it’s own, but gets more frustrating because there is no way for ingame recognition of said frustration.
I’m sorry if this isn’t what yo wanted to hear, and maybe it’s just me who thinks so, but I thought I should mention it. 
"Vidar, Ceylar, and I have known each other for almost all our lives. We’ve all lived in this village since birth, and for years we’ve been trying to help out in this community as best we can. To be honest, it’s mainly Vidar and Ceylar who go looking for the sticky situations. I do often go with them, though, just in case anyone needs my help._
Missing another "
Taking the empty tankard, she says, "Well, good night then._
Same problem.
"is why I’m not worried about your new friends finding us. This ring has a useful bit of magic that allows me to muffle the sounds of myself and anyone near me._
^again
I was wondering when that little fechinne was going to visit."
I don’t know this word, so I can’t say if ot’s just that - word I’m not familiar with - or a spelling error.
It’s dark for a moment, but then Lorelle lights a candle, lifting it up to get a better view. The first thing that you notice is that the magician is shirtless.
MC just got suprised by bandits in their sleeping room, but they sure have nothing else to do as to check out some shirtless dude /s
…and besides the obvious reason for MC to be not that interested in mage dude’s abs, honestly what if my MC is supposed to be just really not interested in men…that let’s that whole exchange just seem weird…like really weird…or is he glowing in the dark or something? Weird magic accident gone wrong? In that case I can see why that would be the first thing to notice…
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I actually agree with basically everything you said. Very to the point and perceptive as always.
I do think I should make the fact that they need to send a messenger to Melithar a thing because otherwise it’s illogical. I will say, though, that I have a real reason for Melithar not coming directly to the MC: He’s spending his time creating a powerful portal that will allow the MC to go inside it and train for a large amount of time, while on the outside, only about half a day will have passed by. Inside the portal, the MC and their boggart will end up tripling their strength. (This will occur in V4, Transitions of Power.)
Hmm, I was a little afraid of that (some of the chapters feeling empty.) I wanted to get a large amount of character interaction in (especially for the three in Quader) and also somehow balance it out with some more exciting material (like Falcon vs Gertrude) but I suppose I didn’t put enough in between the scenes with Ceylar, Vidar, and Lorelle.
Now, I will assure you that chapters six and seven are faaar more exciting, critical, and urgent. So you’ll believe me, I’ll give you a little summary.
Chapter Six: Just as the five of you prepare to leave, Mendax appears in an extremely powerful, visceral illusion and attacks you. He disables your entire group, but suddenly Melithar appears out of body using his own telepathy. He chases the demon away and severs the connection between your mind and Mendax’s so he can no longer torment you. He then tells you that he is waiting for you on his mountain.
Chapter Seven:
The five of you continue your journey, and when you’re at the base of the mountain, a thunder storm begins. You all tent up, and you have the option to interact with everyone more and potentially start a real romance with one of the three adventurers.
The storm stops, and you and your group continue. However, you are suddenly attacked by Gretta, Garnet, and Gretchin, who are possessed by powerful demons (Vermin). Their combined strength leaves all five of you defeated, and they wound your apprentice terribly before throwing him off the mountain. Then, they line up Ceylar, Vidar, and Lorelle, demanding that you choose which one of them will live. The other two, they promise to kill in front of you. The volume ends when you are forced to make a decision.
I’m going to try very hard to fix all of the (very valid, I think) issues you have with the dialogue and whatnot.
Thanks for pointing out the errors; I’ll fix them tonight.
2 Likes
As the character interaction is supposed to be a mayor part in this volume you may also want to consider giving the MC more nuanced reactions, because by now it’s pretty much during all the conversations with the NPCs basically: Rude disagreeing asshole, neutral but nice or head over heels for whoever just said something and their opinions. That seems a little bit too simplistic, especially during some of the conversations when the MC is basically forced to disclose their moral opinions to their companions. Basically there is no way to say for example: I see why you did this or that but it was still unwise in my opinion (Vidar’s backstory comes to mind, and the reactions to Ceylar telling the MC that they never killed before. I mean sure some may want to mock them for their principles, but for others those may just be difficult to relate to). I don’t think that the NPCs will like it much more if the MC is nicely disagreeing with them, but at least the MC doesn’t have to be an ass to disagree with others that way.
I don’t know if this would be too much work to incorporate but if not it may be worth to consider.
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Good point. I could go ahead and add a “politely disagreeing” type of option for most of the choices. That fourth option would add thousands of words to the count but it would probably be worth it.
Any rough thoughts on the final two chapters, as far as the summaries go? Do you think they would make up for the generally slow nature of the rest of the volume, or should I consider adding another “exciting” event earlier in the story to balance things out more?
OMG! So just to make sure I got this right, does this mean you are back to working on Book 3 of Demons Among Men? Oh please say its true! I started reading Book 1 a while back but i never finished it or read book 2 because I saw you post that you wouldnt be finishing it, and you stopped writing book 3.
I loved what I read of book 1. I found it to be a refreshing take on the same old fantasy charaters I see trotted out time and again. Cool world and setting, cool characters, I liked the pacing, the dialog, just all in all some good stuff man. I really cant wait!
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Glad you liked it! Yes, I will be continuing my work on this series. My goal is to submit v3 before June.
Hm, well, completely honest: I’m not sure? By now it just seems that much of the action is concetrated on the last few chapters.
Chapter six sounds a little bit like Deus ex machina solving the problem (don’t know if that will play out that way but it sounds like it?), that means while things are happening, the MC basically seems to be forced to still sit in the background while others solve the problem. Well, I guess it is not so out of nowhere if MC sends Melithar a message, but still…
And I’m not sure how I feel bout the volume ending with a cliffhanger. Volume 2 already ended with a huge defeat for the MC (a plot vital defeat but still), so I don’t know how I would take it to be confronted with an situation in which the MC is again defeated after they basically had to sit out most of the volume because they were injured. I guess the cliffhanger is supposed to keep us interested in the next volume, but in the worst case it could feel like the volume leaves us without any closure on it’s own, ending up feeling incomplete. I know it’s tempting to leave the readers always on the edge, but sometimes it’s okay to end a volume on a not desperate but hopeful note for the readers…and nobody says that this tone needs to get fullfilled by the things that actually will happen during the next volume. And I also think that after an whole “recovery arc” caused by their injury the MC may deserves at least a little success before they get run over by demons again? I don’t know maybe it plays out differently as whole chapter opposed to just a summery, but yeah, that’s the things I would be careful about.
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Well thats just awesome man. Interactive Fiction provides me ALOT of enjoyment, especially CoG. I read and enjoy each one of the books on this site, each one for their own reasons. But there are a few of them, that to me, rise above the rest. Zombie Exodus, The Lost Heir trilogy, Samurai of Hyuga 1 and 2, ect. Personally I felt that what I read of Trial of the Demon Hunter was good enough to elevate into that top tier category. So believe me what I say how stoked I am to hear that book 3 is making a comeback from ash piles of literary oblivion. Just cool news, man.
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I had originally planned on making the endings to this volume “good” for the reasons that you mentioned. However, I decided to change them into the ones they are now because I feel like it will be more exciting and emotionally powerful. I might get some irritated readers, but I’m hoping the reactions will be positive overall.
Oh, by the way, just for future reference: if dialogue continues into another paragraph, it still only needs one closing quote at the end, which is why a lot of the paragraphs of dialogue I have don’t end in another quotation mark.
@Morrm40
I really appreciate that. In my own opinion, Captive of Fortune and Foundation of Nightmares are considerably better than Trial of the Demon Hunter. They have romance options, they’re longer, and have more character interaction in general.
EDIT:
MINOR UPDATE:
- fixed some typos and bugs
- rearranged the illustrations for Vidar and Lorelle, and added one for Falcon
I plan on finishing up chapters six and seven, then after I’ve got those tested, I’ll ago ahead and add another option to a lot of the choices throughout the volume to make it more well rounded.
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Foundation of Nightmares…Im not familiar with this title. It must be a
work in progress at this point?
Samuel_H_Young Hosted Games Author
April 24I had originally planned on making the endings to this volume “good” for
the reasons that you mentioned. However, I decided to change them into the
ones they are now because I feel like it will be more exciting and
emotionally powerful. I might get some irritated readers, but I’m hoping
the reactions will be positive overall.@Morrm40
I really appreciate that. In my own opinion, Captive of Fortune and
Foundation of Nightmares are considerably better than Trial of the Demon
Hunter. They have romance options, they’re longer, and have more character
interaction in general.
Visit Topic or reply to this email to respond.
In Reply To
Sammysam
April 24
Hm, well, completely honest: I’m not sure? By now it just seems that much
of the action is concetrated on the last few chapters. Chapter six sounds a
little bit like Deus ex machina solving the problem (don’t know if that
will play out that way but it sounds like it?), that means while things a…
As you can see from the title of this thread, it’s the third volume in DAM.
Bought both books and reading them slowly at my free time. So far, really enjoying your work. And your illustrator damn good. Actually, I have a question on that regard - is there place where I can look onto those arts at any time, without playing again up to the moment they appearing?
I reading on-site version of books.
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Thanks! Yeah, I’m extremely impressed with Werner Mueck’s work. I’m very lucky to have him as my illustrator. I have the art for my HGs on my facebook page, so you can view them there: https://www.facebook.com/pg/samuelharrisonyoung/photos/?tab=albums
There are separate photo albums for TotDH, CoF, and FoN.
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Ohh okay, noted…English is sometimes a very weird language…
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For sure. When I was reading one of the Harry Potter books a long time ago, I saw that several of the paragraphs of dialogue didn’t end in a quotation mark and I was shocked and baffled at the possibility that there could be typos in JK Rowling’s masterpieces. I learned that rule, though, and then my editor, Fiogan, reminded me of it a few years ago when she was editing TotDH.