Why DJ_CUTY? Post must be twenty frickin’ characters.
Back then I was an aspiring turntablist and that was my stage name. It stands for Death Just Caught Up To You. I haven’t touched music in years, though. Now I’m focusing on writing and chess. Anyways, back to the topic. 
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DJCUT_TN-Death Just Caught Up To That Name
Heh. Funny coincidence. I’m watching DJ on twitch right now, and I don’t even really like dance music. I just sort of know him, and it’s good music to do other stuff while listening to.
um think you might need put up a new link to the game that one dousnt work, it says when you press on the link the following Error (404)
We can’t find the page you’re looking for.
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If I recall correctly, Sam has refocused on other projects and may not be working on this one any more. I’ll close this thread until he confirms that he wants the conversation here to continue.
Hey, everyone. Over a year later, I’ve got a big update for Foundation of Nightmares. There are now chapters 1-5 in the demo, bringing the word count to 72k. I would much appreciate anyone’s help in beta testing this. I’m mainly looking to weed out bugs and typos, but if there are any improvements you think I could make on the narrative, I would love to hear your comments on that as well. Thanks in advance!
(Refresh your browsers because I just added chapter five, which is another 22k. 
)
Chapter one: 18k
Chapter two: 9k
Chapter three: 9k
Chapter four: 13k
Chapter five: 22k
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After I get caught up on testing, I’ll add this to my list. Just to be clear: you want both low level and high level feedback?
When you say you want feedback on the narrative, do you mean anything specific (like RO) or just anything in general?
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Yep! Both are welcome and will be useful.
Specific and general are both great. Your general thoughts, certain choices that you think could be added to, improvements on various characters, stuff like that.
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Laughing, the magician winks, "Don’t worry about it! We’ve all had some[,] already at least.
Remove the commas and put a comma after ‘already’.
Then, you muster all the strength you have left and project and image of Mendax being crushed by some unseen force
An
Edit
He whistles awkwardly to himself as he takes a broom from a cubbard and begins to sweep up the mess.
Cupboard
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Continuance Issue: My familiar is: [quote] Apprentice’s Transformation: Electric Viper - [/quote]
Yet this is written: [quote] Kidas tried to aid you by flying around and helping distract the ogre, even though he couldn’t attack the colossus directly. [/quote] This seems like flavor text meant for the eagle - a toad and viper should have different flavor text here - unless they also fly, in which case that might be stated when choosing the apprentice power…
Edit: It seems your bogarts fly - at least you have my assistant flying again [quote] your apprentice flapping his wings [/quote] and so forth on that same page he is complaining of wings hurting.
I would actually explain this in your stats-page - the classic Celt versions of boggarts do not fly via wings (sometimes they ride wafts of smoke in the legends) so people might get confused here
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Variable check issue: I’m playing a Huntress and I get: [quote] Eyeing your apprentice with a hint of disgust, he wrinkles his lip, adding, “And his pet…thing.” [/quote]
Should be “her” since I’m a huntress.
Edit 1: [quote] Having eaten his fill, Melody flutters his way over to the windowsill. Then the bird cocks his had and looks at you and the healer. [/quote]
had should read: head.
Confusion on a choice: Illil captures me and there are a few choices, one of escape (which is allowed) and one of “convincing” him to let me go… which is greyed out.
My highest stat is: Charisma at 72% followed by Stealth at 69% … if the stealth option is allowed, shouldn’t the charm option also be allowed?
You give him an exhausted smile and reply, “I gave it to you, (MC’s name) .”
I’m pretty sure that MC is supposed to talk to their boggart, not themself.
Eyeing your apprentice with a hint of disgust, he wrinkles his lip, adding, “And his pet…thing.”
I’m playing a female MC.
As the bandits blows rain down, you mumble, disoriented, “Wait, you don’t know what you’re doing…”
Bandits’ the apostroph is missing.
Valentine’s been quite the helper around here.
Valentine has (or is that an allowed shortening for it? Never seen before…)
…you know maybe I’m weird but I always feel irritaded if I have to decide that/if my MC feels attracted to a NPC after only one page meeting them and rarely two sentences from them…
Also, Lorelle says that our boggart told her what’s going on…honestly she is impressively calm considering what this means…or does our Boggart not know about the mental link? Or about the implications of that demon being free? No really Lorelle’s calmness stresses me out.
And I want to mention that she seemingly assumes that just telling me someone’s name will mean that I know who she means. I mean I get after some time who is who, but normally I would expect some description of the people’s appereance she tells ne about, if she is assuming that MC was still able to process anything happening around them at that time (and I guess she does? Otherwise she wouldn’t say things like MC did already saw Ceylar/Vidar’s (? I’m not sure) abilities with a sword)…basically some of the dialoug feels somewhat artificial? Mainly exposition but not like real people would talk? Makes it harder to get a grip on characters personality outside from direct infornation like “she looks so and so” and characters describing themself…That’s a little bit bland.
(Btw is Illil in any way important or a known bandit or something? I mean yeah sure, our boggart told but it’s somewhat strange to read Lorelle using his name for a guy that’s basically just the leader of some random bandits in her eyes…And she can’t know if MC is bad with names/forgot his name because of a concusion. XD IDK maybe I’m just weird…this is all of course only in context of the first conversation between MC and Lorelle)
Apparently, one of the breaks you heard earlier was your leg.
MC has no concept of time…three days is a little bit longer as earlier. XD
Lorelle carefully unbinds your chest and tosses the stained cloths into the fire.
=_=…where exactly are those bandages? Just to clarify how naked she leaves the MC in a room with an open window. At least give me a blanket…or a shirt…don’t leave me with the (eventually existing) titties out sitting in the cold! Leave me at least some dignity 
How did Falcon even know how to find the MC or did I just miss that part…
Perhaps your new companions could even join in.
Wait, how long after MC did wake up is this happening. Since then are those three my companions? …I don’t even know those guys!
…honestly it’s somewhat weird how we seem to start as good friends with characters we didn’t really interact with and only after that get to know them better…I don’t know it seems as if there’s something confused in the succession? It’s not fitting on an emotional engaging level somehow? Those characters are treated as if we would know much about them from the beginning, despite basically being strangers, okay strangers that saved MC’s life but still strangers. It gets better with us getting to know those characters but the first few interactions with them seem just very artificial and partly those characters still seem weirdly close to the MC despite knowing them for only what? Three days of which MC was unconscious most of the time? I mean I guess this is to not slow down the plot too much, but it is really weird how fast those character are infatuated with MC. What did our boggart tell them? Like seriously Ceylar why the fuck are you disappointed MC who basically just had their first real conversation with you (of which I know) doesn’t want to take you with them on an highly dangerous mission? What’s wrong with that guy?
…I think my MC is too no nonsense for any relationship 
… her thought process basically is: “Must save the workd first, no time for foolish men and women who play hard to get!”
Also some of the pages are really too long especially when reading on a mobile device.
Starting, Vidar quickly grabs his longsword and rushes to the window, looking out to see what the commotion is.
Do you mean startled?
The gender doesn’t get displayed in the stats screen, it’s just Gender: ?
Meanwhile, Captain Gertrude is facing off falcon, a determined scowl on her face and an elegant, shiny sword in her hands.
Capitalization…
He furrows his brow, his lips turning down as he finishes, “Still, it’s all so much different than killing someone. This was my first time, and it wasn’t even my intention. I just needed to stop him from killing you. But it’s so permanent, and the desperation in his eyes and his pleas for us to save him made me realize even more that I could never take it back.”
That guy is walking around with a longsword…he really should expect to may kill people with it…call me heartless, but I seriously have a hard time believing that he never before killed another person while protecting that town with a longsword. A longsword. He didn’t even choose a weapon that makes killing in any way difficult, he chooses a fucking sword… I know it’s a fantasy setting and all but this really strains my suspension of disbelief…
I think that paragraph is wrongly placed.
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Thanks, I’ll fix those errors tonight.
I’ve actually got my own lore for this series. Here is a an illustration of your apprentice from Trial of the Demon Hunter. He is described as an imp with a scorpion tail.
Thanks for pointing out those coding errors and typos. I’ll fix them shortly!
There are various ways for you to try to persuade Illil: through stealth, charisma, cunning, or resolve and scorn. Each one requires the stat to be over 64, so you should have been able to choose either of those options.
I appreciate you pointing out those errors. I’ll be fixing them tonight.
I can see where you’re coming from, but this is meant to be as a first impression type of thing.
I’ll go ahead and have her be more specific when mentioning the other characters. That’s something I had actually noticed when I was going over that scene but didn’t get around to correcting yet.
Yes, Illil is notorious around Quader.
Falcon knew where you were because…it’s a secret. Haha.
I can see what you mean about the characters seeming too close to the MC to begin with. I’ll go ahead and work something out to make them not overly friendly at first. Don’t get too upset about stuff like this…I’m an introvert with Aspergers so it’s likely that I’ll sometimes need some pointers on making character interaction seem more authentic. 
I can go through the chapters and add a few more page breaks to make it easier on mobile users.
About Vidar and his longsword: true…I’ll have to figure something out for him that will make sense, weapon-wise, because I’m sticking to making him a non-killer before Illil.
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That is good - maybe include the picture for new readers in the stats-page and definitely write a small mini-intro for the apprentice familiar, even if it is repetitive from the first two … new readers will go back and read older stories if they are given a chance but if they are confused for a few pages, some will quit reading in frustration.
Also, I just learned this is your competition entry - so I have to stop reading it. I can’t properly give you feedback since we are both entering the contest (well, I am trying to) and I don’t want a conflict of interest to even appear. I hope this makes sense and I’m sorry for withdrawing.
Good idea. I’ll go ahead and add a description of him again in the startup scene.
Oh, okay! Well thank you for your feedback and good luck on your own entry.
MINOR UPDATE:
- fixed some typos and bugs
- added a lot more page_breaks where they were needed
- adjusted parts of the dialogue in chapters 1-3 so Ceylar, Vidar, and Lorelle hopefully don’t seem as overly familiar and jovial as before.
EDIT:
Hey everyone, I have about 2/30k for the final chapter, and I plan on trying to get this submitted to CoG before June. If you have any comments, requests, or errors that you’ve noticed, it’s best to get them all in before then.
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The stunning illustrations done by my very talented artist, Werner Mueck, for Foundation of Nightmares:
Illil:
Lorelle:
Vidar: (the beard is currently being added)
Ceylar: (rought draft)
He’s finishing up the one for Ceylar, and he’s also going to add a beard to Vidar and then make that illustration into all the various sizes for cover photos, and then the illustrations for this volume will be done!
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