There were several moments in this brief snippet of a story that I thought I was reading the novelisation of the Bourne Identity or The Manchurian Candidate. The fast pace, errant thoughts, discomfort over the strangers staring at the MC and sizing them up was quite on point.
I understand the need to convey that the MC doesn’t know who they are but I think a little bit more focus on pure survival instincts instead of an identity crisis right off the bat would be a bit more interesting. As a trained soldier I’d imagine the MC would try and find a safe haven on their own, somehow, in order to assess their next move before anything else; this could be displayed as a choice of course - so you could have the MC break down, try see what they have on hand, flee, etc. After getting to a safe place (or not) that would be the time the MC finds the note giving directions. Another moment of self-doubt and paranoia: is it a plot to deceive? Is it hope? Do you have a choice? Would you even care about finding out? Once the MC has made up their mind now comes another big decision: does the MC trust the masses of people in the street or, again, use instincts to figure out where to go? Are you in a world full of enemies or are you just going slightly mad?
The scenes from the bar onwards are quite on point. The right amount of soul-searching, identity crisis, anxiety, discomfort and trauma. I was expecting a bit more of a reaction either mental or physical when the MC found the mark (maybe a freak out, throw up, break the mirror?) but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
All in all this was a very entertaining read and I look forward to reading more of your writing.
PS. Perhaps it was unintentional, but “Forgotten by Melancholy” was amusing and oddly fitting.
I’ve just played the demo and I love the themes you explore and focusing on relationships. Also the setting lools cyberpunk-ish and I’m loving it!
I just wish we were able to customize our character more…
Also, after discovering you can’t talk and journeying into the city this section.
“Your wary, uncertain commute is hard. The city seems full of twists and turns, the directions you receive confusing, only serving to send you deeper into the city, deeper into your ever-increasing sense of hopelessness.”
I would write like this:
“You are wary and uncertain. The commute is hard, this city seems full of twist and turns. The directions you receive are confusing, only sending you deeper into the city, deeper into your ever-increasing sense of hopelessness”
@Megus MC is (probably) going to be semi-verbal, and their ability to talk will be influenced by their mental health. There’ll be at least a bit of fighting, and it will be affected by their morality (e.g high morals when killing/torturing someone would lead to a mental breakdown).
@TheZod I’m editing the prologue (again) right now to add a little more content, and it will hopefully include MC’s (flawed) survival instincts and general bad times. I’m probably going to add more to Introductions as well.
@MadmanX I see what you mean! I’ll make sure to reword both sections.
Out of curiosity when you mention dire consequences, does that mean choosing more traumatic choices can eventually lead to death? I feel like it might be interesting that as a possibility from the mental trauma, you might trigger psychosis and you lose yourself.
Indeed it does! I won’t spoil the storyline, but you will be able to trigger mental breakdowns and die. It’s not implemented right now since it’s a little too early, but it (hopefully) will be there in the future.
The only icky part in writing these kind of stories is that you don’t glorify/romanticized it or downplay it’s severity either. Hope you maintain a healthy balance.
Man I love the WIP so far I kinda got a total recall vibe when you get hooked into the machine an all that stuff, keep up the good work an can’t wait for more
To be honest, that’s kind of the reason why I’m writing this. It’s like people seem to forget they’re called ‘mental illnesses’ for a reason. So I plan to make the story be heavily influenced by your mental health, to the point where you are unable to progress to the next chapter, as you’re not in a mental state of mind to do the events that transpire within those.
But anyway, if you find any scene where the MC’s mental state seems downplayed, please tell me! I’ll be more than happy to change them.
In my experience mental illness is so sadly misunderstood…people who are “normal” don’t understand it and criticize while even sadder people with it feel broken or ashamed and just wish they were “normal” too while not understanding it themselves. It leaves to a state of “forget, ignore, bury”. Whether or not those themes could fit I’m not sure
I’m planning on MC having the mental health understanding of a person without any mental illness. So they don’t know how to deal with it, don’t even know what they’re dealing with. I’m planning for their thoughts about it early on to echo common stereotypes (after I research what the common stereotypes actually are). Luckily, they’ll be helped by their best friend/partner (and don’t ask how the romance stuff will come into play because a, it’s a spoiler, and b, I don’t know yet) and learn their still bad, but not too terrible coping strategies.
Just curious here. It’s apparent the character is a soldier of some sort. Therefore, has spent time killing, and seeing friends / compatriots be killed. This is enough to traumatise most anyone, I’m sure. However, given the creepy and clandestine nature of their former combat unit, is it likely we’ll be seeing actual war crimes committed? I use the term very loosely, ranging from battlefield looting to using rape as a psychological weapon to massacring civilians. Have you already set your own expectations for how much traumatic content will actually be “seen on-screen”, presumably related through flashbacks?
I think it’s much easier to say “the character is crazy” than to explain, in detail, “they are crazy because they did these awful things and they did that because etc…” The problem then being how far down the deep well of insanity you’d like to explore with your audience.
Not suggesting any of this as good or bad to include, just wondering how detailed your vision is at this point.
It’s hard to talk about it without spoiling the story, but there will not be any war crimes like rape. I’m planning on intertwining flashbacks and night terrors of the trauma through the chapters, so they’ll be at least enough for you to get a general idea of just how much they suffered. I won’t be going into explicit details, though.
I’m not planning this to be a story of “your character is crazy”, but a “your character is really not okay right now and is having a mental breakdown”. I will be expanding on their paranoia, anxiety and ability to speak in later chapters, along with their mental health fluctuating due to the events that they experience/remember (whether by the player’s choices or by the storyline).
Ace, thanks for the concise reply. So it’s a thorough exploration of insanity itself, with the root causes being somewhat shapeless - this will help the reader to put themselves into the shoes of the character too, I’m sure.
