Fira's Chronicles (Little update 01/05/2020 - Interlude 2)

This was interesting! It has lot of charm and humor (like when the narration states that Mal’s face screams “I am not friendly, go away!”, or when Danielle uses the cutthroat gesture but the narration only hints it), and the start with Mal and Dona reminded me of Good Omens. The parents and Varjal are great, and I like the MC’s personality as well – normally I prefer blank slate MCs and really dislike the MC being forced to like a character, but the MC’s prettiness obsession and how the narration/their thoughts point it out and add to the ridiculousness makes it amusing to read. I enjoyed the world-building as well, and how even with just a few lines we learn a lot about the setting, like how they ride on zeppelins or that Varjal’s family had to be freed.

I agree with the others about the long pages and the pacing – right now I don’t really have any opinions on most of the other characters because it seemed like that outside of the prologue and interlude the plot development was there but the character development wasn’t. Or if it was, it was lost in the paragraphs of the long pages, as the characters blurred together for me and the friendship between them and the MC felt rather sudden. I think breaking it up with more *page_breaks and adding more scenes/choices would help.

Another thing that stood out is that many characters are first introduced and described using their height/hair/eye/etc., without really mentioning any other particular features. After that the characters are often described using “with…” like so:
Dona interrupted him with a diverted expression on her face.
Akito looked at Dona with a slight interrogation look in their eyes.
Mal answered to Danielle, with a harsh tone in his voice.
which added to the perception of lines and characters blurring together.

Typos and stuff I found in the prologue

You’ll find about your real origins, made some friends, or not, it will be your choice.
“made” should be “make”.

Fira awaken to confront a great menace, not only to Fira but, the two ancient realms which they supposed to be just a legend. Will you be able to stop Varjal?
Perhaps in this summary you can add something so that players start to get an idea of what “Fira” is, as it seems like it could be a place or a person. Also, commas are usually before conjunctions, so I’d word this as “not only to Fira, but to the two ancient kingdoms that are supposed to be just legends.”

Those options aren’t to lock a character romance.
“aren’t” should be “won’t” and remove “to” so it matches the other future tenses. Also, remove the line of space between this line and the second hyphen-dash as it looks as if there’s missing information.

Dominions presented as the hierarchy of celestial beings, are the fourth ranking order of angels.
I’d put a comma after “Dominions”. You may also want to have “angels” as “guardian angels” here so it matches the info we learn in the next sentence.

This Order of Guardian Angels decide the success or failure of nations.
“decide” should be “decides”.

It’s very rare that they made themselves physically known to humans.
“made” should be “make”.

They usually, wield orbs of light fastened on the heads of their scepters or on the pommel of their swords.
Remove the comma after “usually”.

Somewhere in the frontier between the heavenly realm and the human realm.
Perhaps bold or italicize this sentence so we know it’s subtitling the location and not part of the narration. Also, the *next_page that appears right before this says “The Frontiers”, as does another line a few paragraphs down, while this sentence has one “frontier”.

-“I’m here with news!”- Said the angel while they were entering into a quite room, just occupied by another angel.
“quite” should be “quiet”. I’d probably remove the comma and “just” right after that.

The other angel were as beautiful as the first, and they seemed to be involved with an aura of pure light and even with this aura, anyone could see their fierce and their willpower.
“were” should be “was”, “involved with” looks like it should be “surrounded by”. I’d also separate this into two sentences so the second starts with “They seemed to be surrounded by an aura…”. And “fierce” looks like it should be “ferocity” or “ferociousness”.

The first figure turned to the incoming angel with a smile.
Unless I read it wrong, the first figure was the incoming angel.

Even knowing you were coming in any minute. I was startled when you entered.
I’d join these two sentences together.

Said the angel with an ivory skin, dark blond curly hair.
Add an “and” before “dark”.

The second angel laugh brightly.
“laugh” should be “laughed”.

They knew each other since the beginning.
Change “knew” to “had known”.

Dona was more empathetic with the other angels than Mal, so, she was the one that went out to find information with the other angels about their missions.
Remove the comma after “so”, change “with” to “from”.

On the other hand, Mal liked to observe and watch the frontiers in that room, where he could take notes and use artifacts, study them and even make them better.
Looks like “that room” should be “this room” since it’s talking about the room they are currently in. Also looks like “study” should be “studying”, “make” should be “making”.

He tended to be seen by the other like more intimidating and the other angels doesn’t interact with him so often.
“like” should be “as”, and a comma after “intimidating”, “doesn’t” should be “didn’t”, remove “so”.

Even with that fact, they took care about him, and they gave new artifacts to Dona for him.
“about” should be “of”.

“Did you took a look on the human, on Ma’a?”
I’d reword this to “Have you taken a look at the human” or “Have you seen the human”, etc.

Until now, she hasn’t done any wrong to the humankind.
Remove “the”.

The vast territory that covered the frontiers was bathed in the pink orange colour from the sunset.
I’d change “the pink orange” to “a pink-orange” or “a pink and orange”.

filled with Mal’s artefacts and books; and Dona’s weapons and maps.
Change the semicolon into a comma.

It’s just that well, to start hate is a very strong word… and rude too."
“start” should be “state” or “say”.

"But, I really don’t like going to the human realm.
“going to” should be “going on in”.

Dona knew Mal was curious about the people on Fira after the frontier’s closure.
If “frontier” is a proper noun here then capitalize it. Also, if it is “frontiers” then it the comma should be after the s – otherwise, it’s fine.

Say Mal, his eyes were sparkling with the emotion and the anticipation to Dona’s proposal.
“Say” should be “Said”.

She always had enjoyed being outdoor to explore, so, it was very exciting talking to cambions.
“outdoor” should be “outdoors”.

She enjoyed her conversations about anything and everything with Mal, but she enjoyed too travelling on outdoor missions.
I’d combine/reword this sentence into the previous paragraph right before it as it repeats the same information given there. Also, “travelling” should be “traveling”.

He never liked to talk too much or just talk if he didn’t find it necessary.
I’d change “just talk” to “talk at all”.

When Dona snap to reality and out of her thoughts, she realized that she was alone in the study room.
“snap” should be “snapped”.

The smell of chamomile came to her nostril from the kitchen.
“nostril” should be “nostrils”.

She smiled because she knew that chamomile tea meant that Mal was indeed, keen to go into that trip.
Remove the comma.

Asked him to rush to hide his excitement.
I’d reword this to either “asked Mal in a rush…” or “he asked in a rush…”

"Well, we will contact with Akito and Chloe.
Remove “with”.

Their wings had disappeared and the almost blinding light which emanated from them had practically disdained.
Perhaps “disdained” should be “disappeared” here.

The deep sound of the zeppelin announcing his arrival took Dona and Mal out of their reverie.
“his” should be “its”.

In the world it had two large upper turbines supported by giant rings that surrounded the zeppelin.
Not sure what “In the world” means here.

In the frontal part of the globe a system of rays had been installed that also collected this energy for its use in the zeppelin itself.
Remove “also”.

Said a person who were a little taller than the average, sand skin, almond black eyes and long blue navy straight hair.
“were” should be “was”

We suppose the meeting it’s about the info I gave to Manadiel, right?
“the” should be “this”, “it’s” should be “is”.

Yes, and we’ll have to take care on this business."
“on” should be “of”.

We thought that the best option it’s to relegate on you some measurement we’ll need to take.
“it’s” should be “is”, “relegate on” looks like it should be “delegate to”.

Ok, it’s in the best interests after all.
Not sure who or what it’s in the best interests of here.

They liked to know they were counted for that kind of matters, and they were glad too, that Mal was more relaxed with Chloe and them.
“that” should be “these”.

I promise I wont banish anyone, and besides, I’m pretty comfortable right now.
“wont” should be “won’t”.

Danielle, was of medium-low stature.
Remove the comma.

I never have any idea what’s going on inside that puny brain of theirs, but I’m sure that they will do whatever their want without asking for our opinions.
Looks like “their” should be “they”.

and they had lack of understanding one and other very often.
“had lack of understanding” should probably be “misunderstood”

When Edmund and Danielle were sited,
“sited” should be “sitting”.

After a few minutes and with some drinks at the marble table, the conversation about the incoming events, continued running.
I’d add a comma after “minutes” and remove the comma after “events”.

Edmund began to talk his opinion.
I’d change this since through the dialogue we are told his opinion.

Danielle knew that those words wasn’t a threat.
“wasn’t” should be “weren’t”.

Akito said with such a safety aura
Not sure what “safety aura” means here.

Was rather the way they had to speak,
Add “It” to the beginning of this sentence.

But we are collaborating with them,so,
Add a space before “so”.

Edmund The zeppelin stopped at Fabriant.
Looks like a sentence is missing.

we have a lot to prepare for Danielle.
Add a comma after “for”.

I need to rest to be cool when we get there.
Maybe change “cool” here unless Akito does want to look cool.

Danielle thought that Edmund had a lake of reason about Akito. It seemed that they never relax.
Not sure what “a lake of reason” means here. “relax” should be “relaxed”.

Finally, remove all the hyphens before and after the dialogues like in this sentence:
-“I’m here with news!”- Said the angel while they were entering into a quite room, just occupied by another angel.
“Said”/other dialogue tags should usually be lowercase as well.

Looking forward to using the magic we learned and the rest of chapter two! :relaxed:

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Not necessarily — travelling is the British form.

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About that, I prefer that people finish imagining the character according to their imagination. If the general opinion suggests that I should deepen more, maybe I will.

And with all corrections, I really appreciate the time you had taken. Now, I know more English words to use when it comes to writing in English, it’s a bit more fluent for me than when I started writing the story a year ago. Nor had I ever written in English, yes I read in English but for some reason, at the time of writing I blocked a little. So, this corrections will take me a while, and perhaps, iIt may be better if I review the introduction and the first chapter in its entirety. I will also take a look to see where I can implement more choices and lighten the reading. :smile:

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tbh I disagree. I’m more of a a fan of keeping it vague. Because the more details are mentioned the harder it’s gets to imagine something. Espacially if I want to faceclaim the character because the more details it describes the smaller is the pool of possibilities. But that’s more of a personal thing

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I don’t think @expectedoperator means so much to say that there should be a detailed description of the character’s physiognomy, but rather that it’s a bit odd to list all of those attributes in a row, grocery-list style. Or at least, that’s the impression I got.

For instance, something like this would probably flow better if the description were spaced out over a few sentences.

An angel with beautiful white wings, tan skin, light medium-short brown messy hair, and brown eyes were running with a concerned look on their face.

Otherwise, in my opinion it can feel a bit tacked on, whereas something like this might seem more natural:

The angel’s sandals pounded against the rough cobblestones as he ran, his foot nearly slipping upon reaching the uneven descent of the path. With a flutter of his pale wings he regained balance and proceeded onwards, as a tan hand reached up to pull back the short strands of brown hair that clung to his moist forehead.

Of course, I’m not saying that’s exactly great either since I just came up with it :grimacing: My point is that the reader can go through a little bit (a few pages, even) without knowing the details about the character’s appearance, so while it’s good to introduce them with some description so that we know how to picture them, you don’t have to be in a rush to get it all out at once. :slightly_smiling_face:

Also, notice that you can tell us a bit more about the setting (in my example, there is a cobblestone path, possibly old. It’d be very different if I had chosen to have the angel run over an asphalt road!) and the character (they are tired or nervous or both, hence their sweating and nearly tripping over) by drawing things out a little more.

(I totally didn’t plan for this post to be so long :sob:, sorry!)

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I’m thankful for all your feedback, but, please, be respectful because I don’t think (feel) that comparing it to a grocery-list style it’s respectful. I understand what you wanted to say without a need to make those comparisons. I’ll take a look at that and, I’ll consider if I wanted to change it. Anyway, I don’t like to write with many flourishes so it will be kept simple because there’s already a lot to read, I can’t make the reader go trough six lines to tell them which is their hair color and I want that the players can make a quick picture of the characters. Thanks for your feedback, really, as I said I’ll take a look at it and see if it should be more fluid in some occasions. :blush:

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Oh, I’m so so sorry!! :bowing_woman: I had no idea that bit could come across as disrespectful and it was never my intention, so again I’m terribly sorry for any offense.

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I know it wasn’t intentional so do not worry. I am reviewing the intro and chapter 1 as well, that I will look to see where I can make the changes. :smile: It is true that with some characters, this presentation does not work, but the characters with whom the MC is looking dumbfounded, I will not make change in these descriptions, since, it is what the MC is staring at.
So, again, thanks for your feedback, it really helps to improve, not only the game but my writing skills in a foreign language. :blush:

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So no romance for rose :C

well at least the other ROs are just as loveable.

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Funny thing, I thought that some maybe will be interested in Rose and I made her a Ro she was the most difficult to write and I kept her out from being an option and kept the story the way was planned.

I made some of the corrections planted in early post by @expectedoperator
Thanks for your support :blush:

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happy 2020 :gift_heart:

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Yes! Happy new year!! :tada: :clinking_glasses:

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ohh this time it does make more sense!

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Hi everyone! I’ve uploaded a little update. I’ve been struggling making time for codding all what I’ve been writting. Excuses for my delay in the update, do not espect funny things: ]Those days have been erratic: I’ve two little kids, they’re little so they need atention and I love spending time with them, a job and a break up beacuse suddenly my ex-partner has decided life is to have “fan” and not responsabilities.

Anyway, there are more choices in second chapter, changed some lines. I hope the story is now more fluid. Added another training with Sam and Rolph. Actually I’m codding combat training and Sage’s training too. I hope in three/four days will be uploaded.
On the next trainings the MC will have time face to face which every member to ask questions and to know more about the main six companions. If your MC has some questions now is the time to ask them. :laughing:

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it ok Freja family come first

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Hi everyone. Here is the new update with Dimitri and Edmund training. Right now the demo has 76115 words, you didn’t see all that in one path. I like making things complicated :rofl: When your MC returns to recover the book there are twenty variables there, just because I refused to make the teams. Not happen again. By the way, I put (it was in the demo since the first time I published the WIP) a silly “story” that may or not happened to me.

Please, if you find some bug or something that don’t add up, tell me, so I can fix it. As always any constructive criticism is welcomed here.

Good night everyone :blush:. (It’s 2:38am here)

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I’m late with the next update, I know. In theory, this week I should have more time to start coding and passing text, because I have a lot writen already. Surely the updates will take longer to be updated because I will have to work more, it’s what happens when you have two little kids in growth stages, they need things.

Anyway, right now, Sage path in this chapter is already writen, and Lenka. When I’ve Chloe’s path and first impression on Cappertone is writen I’ll upload it all.
Have a nice day you all! :blush:

EDITED – (15/02/2020)
Hi! Yeah, it’s me again. I’m a bit of a liar and I couldn’t wait to have all the rest coded to make an update, So, for those who would like to know more about Sage, congrats! Because this update is focused on them. :tada:

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Played it, found the lore and characters rather interesting.
However, I know it’s suppose to be our quirk, but I can’t help but feel a bit annoyed at the constant blushing and the overbundance of the word beautiful. It feels like every time we’re with someone regardless situation or attraction, we have to comment at how beautiful their eyes/smile/face is.
Like during our capture, I feel like one would be either too scared or angry to care about how attractive our captors look.

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Thanks so much for your comment, I’ll take a look at it and modify it. I, myself doubted sometimes about the same thing and with criticism like yours (and others had mentioned on this thread before) I’m able to improve the story. If you can remember some scene that especially bothers you, please don’t doubt to tell me. Thanks for playing the demo :smile:

EDIT (3 hours later)
I have made a few changes and of course the word Blush or blushing does not appear as much, the same with beautiful and I have also softened the rarity of MC in terms of beautiful things.
I have also changed some options to better fit different types of characters. I hope that now the story in the game will be more fluid and less “annoying” with the blush stuff.

Have a nice rest of weekend! :blush:

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. I played this fira’s Chronicles when I was watching. An anime called Nurarihyon no Mago To me having a wonderful day. Reading your story And watching a good anime To me a good day

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