Hi. Played this all the way to the end, and while it is a very interesting concept which Iād like to stay around for more, there are personal critiques of mine. Some of these could be read as harsh, for which I apologise. I do not mean to come off as standoffish or too picky. This is your work, and what you decide to do with it is rightfully your choice. That being said, here they are:
First critique, my main critique, is that thereās a gay option in this story, which is lovely to see and can definitely open pathways with the MC and boost player experience while it is confined to the right people based on their choice. The problem? This just never happens. I was quite excited about there being a gay option and how that would play out, but it just didnāt. Josh is one of two current male characters that are romanceable for gay MCs and is the only romanceable male character with some significance in relation to time mentioned. Heās also very fem-leaning and ādualsexā, which I guess means intersex, both of which Iām personally not attracted to. The MC is surrounded by so many women and sometimes implies that they are attracted to them; even the options to romance the opposite gender (despite sexuality) seem to be prevalent. Thereās never any mention of sexuality that differs from hetero from what Iāve gathered, which is a shame, as Iād love some recognition for a choice, be it bad, neutral or good, just like how Iām guessing youāre going to bring in recognition to the MCās race. They (and by that I mean the women) are a MAJOR chunk of a story that seems to be leaning hard on dialogue. Which makes the whole choice feel empty or unexpanded upon.
Second critique: the amount of dialogue. This could just be a personal preference, but the amount of dialogue, especially with characters I had no interest in, was the reason Iād contemplated just commenting on chapter 1 and the halfway point of chapter 2. Donāt get me wrong, dialogue-leaning stories can be done beautifully, but most of it reads to me like āwhite room syndromeā; thereās so little narrative/prose or any focus on what Iād figured to be the main storyās plot. While simultaneously having too many scenes that seem redundant in the face of the plot, also known as fillers. Cheknovās Gun could be a good principle to read up on for this. Combined with English sometimes being choppy or grammatically incorrect, itās a hard read.
Third critique: Choices. There are very few options when it comes to them. Be it for personality or pathways, they donāt seem to matter much. Most seem to be the same outcome but written differently; you donāt ever get to choose to be genuinely rude or isolate yourself from the many, many friends that seem to be bigger and have more screen time than the plot itself. The MC seems to be pre-planned down to the bone. That could be great for a regular story, but this is an interactive fiction one. Itās hard for me to put my own little āpersonaāāif you willāin the place of an MC who wonāt even delight in the thought of arrogance or a little brutishness because ātheir parentās raised them rightā.
This has probably turned more into a rant, for which Iām sorry, but I hope this could help with the next incoming chapters, which Iāll be around for. Iām fairly sure youād mentioned being a novice at writing, in which these possible āmistakesā are simply a learning curve for your writing craft, so donāt worry and keep making your art. Massive props to you for even making an IF, as itās very challenging, let alone one with a fairly unique premise, which Iām sure will all work out in the end.
Hope all is well and love from me <3
. But I improve the more I write, so we will see how that goes.