Enforcers of Magic : Hope [THREAD MOVED]

[Zadit]

Thanks alot friend

[MrsObedMarsh]

This game has a lot of potential and I can’t wait to see where it ends up!

One nitpick: it seems odd that the default names for students at a gakuen in not!Japan (I assume it’s not!Japan) are European in origin. Shouldn’t the default assumption be that gakuen students are of Japanese heritage? I’m not saying that students of non-Japanese heritage can’t attend Japanese high school, or that you as a dev shouldn’t give player the option of creating a non-Japanese character, but I think Japanese, not European, names should be standard in this setting. (That is, unless you’re going for the 90s-era localization convention that all modern anime characters in Western dubs are Westerners living a Western country and going by European names, in which case the school should be an academy or a high school, not a gakuen.)

[Tayato]

Hey MrsObedMarsh! Thanks for giving your input on the game it means a lot!

Yes this was a problem I was having with the core concept of the game. Obviously it is a game that has deep roots from Japanese culture, Anime, and Games but I also wanted it to be international enough for other non-japanese enthusiasts to play and enjoy.

I’ve thought about it for awhile and I might change the story in a way to fit the premise, As I’m going for a setting that is ‘highly’ mixed and jumbled up in nature (modern meets medieval, western meets asian, etc.) I just wanna show how crazy the world in this game in and that the current land where the PC starts: Pluotia is a land that is fairly modern in nature compared to the rest of the world that the PC can venture out to and discover on missions from the academy and such (e.g. on a mission to help a fairly medieval village from bandits). On that note: I thought ‘Gakuen’ means Academy? Please correct me if I’m wrong hahaha. As for the Japanese thing, I’ll have to get back to you on that it is an interesting point you make, to either make them all Japanese or Mixing it up a little I haven’t made up my mind, though I personally would want a bit more diversity.

Btw, I’ve uploaded 2 different links to an update of the game. 1 is the original that’s tweaked a bit somewhat, the other is a brand new start that I am more leaning towards… Please try them! Thank you.

[Tayato]

Wow, you got it!

[Tayato]

Have uploaded a short version of both.

[Megus]

I did enjoy the newer version a bit more; i felt more connected with the MC.

As for any critiques, I would say the story should be more fleshed out. For instance:

A floating letter magically appears in front of you. The letter is enclosed around a floating bubble.

Could be something more like this:

**You awake from sound slumber. The early morning rays seeping through your drawn window curtain. Siting up, stretching your arms above your head, you are suddenly startled by a rolled up letter trapped inside a floating bubble magically appearing right in front of you. **

[Tayato]

That is so cool! You’re clearly a better writer.

Is it just for the letter part or throughout the game? Because I was contemplating the writing style of the game. I kept thinking that if I write very simple people will have more chances to imagine or picture the scenario in a more personal or customised way.

What do you think?

[Megus]

I would say throughout; though some spots like the scenes with rey are better.

And, It is better to write things out; making things too simplified can ruin a player’s experience

Oh, BTW you may want to make Rey a childhood friend instead of the MC’s cousin, you don’t want to go down a incestuous route; especially with the age of the characters.

[CowboyHooah]

In the title of the thread, you may want to put the date that the demo was/is updated.

[Eiwynn]

@CowboyHooah

In the title of the thread, you may want to put the date that the demo was/is updated.

Just a FYI: the author is not a Regular and can not edit the title. However a Regular, such as yourself may do this for them.

[Tayato]

Ok noted! Thanks for the input.

Lol I thought about Rey for quite awhile. I was thinking the same thing anf most likely she might be just your childhood friend. But, I also think it’s interesting to hear what people choose to do with Rey. I mean the option to not romance her is also there, will people like Rey enough to go down that route? (Wait, is that even allowed here lol) is quite interesting to think about… which is also why I made rey harder to romance in the first place. Also I can’t think of any reason why your childhood friend would let you stay alone with her in her house… maybe I can change that… not sure…

[Tayato]

What, I didn’t know there were levels in the membership… tbh I hate the game’s title but I suck at naming so it will have to do. If anyone has any suggestions that’d be cool.

[DUNGEON_MASTER]

I have updated thread title with the date of update included

[Marzban]

Maybe make the school an International school? Also for the title what are you going for?

[ParrotWatcher]

A floating letter magically appears in front of you.

That was an abrupt start. It would probably make sense to have a bit more description around it, like whether this sort of thing is common in this world.

I was interested to note just how far the game let me go without reading the letter.

Congratulations!

You have been enrolled to Kibou Mahou Gakuen, a prestigious academy where talented individuals can cultivate their unique talents, in the hopes of one day be enlisted as one of the prestigious Enforcers!

The world is filled with vicious creatures of magical potential as well as criminals and outlaws that threaten the peace of this world.

You are currently at Pluotia, the land where this school reside in.

Note: Students should head to the academy to receive their student handbook and apply for the interview.

This doesn’t feel as though it makes very much sense. Given my cousin’s comments, it sounds like this is the sort of thing one would expect to get, so a lot of the explanations feel unnecessary if this is the actual text of the letter. If, however, this is just the narrative explaining the academy, then it probably needs a bit more explanation than that. For one thing, where in Pluotia are we compared to the academy?

You pause for a moment, the term reminded you of your 16th birthday last week. You almost forgot about it.

You write down your age on the paper.

Is there any point to the age choice, given that we’re set to 16, and the game will refuse to accept any other value?

“I know you just moved here, but if you don’t like it you can always just move to the dormitory at the school. I hear it’s real nice there.”

Okay, so am I staying with Rey while I’m at the academy? So does that mean that I didn’t even know if I was accepted until I got there?

“Well, you should get some rest, tomorrow’s the interview session for new students right?”

So, there’s an interview even after acceptance? Is it even possible to get into this school?

Uncle - (Rey’s Daddy)

This should already be obvious… Also, when did he leave the letter there? If it was while I was sleeping, surely I’d’ve seen it before, and if not, he could have just said it to me.

All in all, while this is a good start, I have to agree with @Megus: there’s a lot of stuff you need to explain in more detail. Say that we’ve just moved across the country to the academy’s city (even before we’ve been accepted), and are now living with our uncle and cousin, and so on.

[Marzban]

I agree it feels like instead of it being the start of the story it feels like its somewhere in the middle.

[Tayato]

Hmm actually I’m thinking of not naming the academy in japanese? Any ideas on names?

For the title I have no clue. Want something simple that gets the message across. You know… like Zombie Exodus. It’s a great example for a title.

[Marzban]

For the school how about Pluotia Magic Academy?
For the title how about Enforcers of Magic?

[Tayato]

Love your long critiques.

The intro:
Yes it was an abrupt intro, as per @Megus ’ advice, I’ve added some sort of intro now. You start at your hut and travel to town somewhere in Pluotia. Then you arrive and meet Rey and can ask questions about the game in general. (I keep making stupid joke choice options that I erase after feeling guilty about fooling around…)

The letter:
I know I’m lazy… I simply used the old explanation text from the old game. Also still confused on how to explain the scenario to players.

The Age thing:
This is the one I am so confused at. The pc is around the age of a high schooler. But I want to add romance options for a teacher character maybe…and thinking about the age gap makes the teacher a…pedo? For liking the pc back. Or something…? So confused. What do you think? The reason why I still put an input there is just to make it realistic I guess? Like your writing it down instead of being told you wrote 16 down.

Interview:
Yes the interview is necessary because it is when the players gets tested on their element. (Or simply choose their element… might think about that)

Rey’s dialogue:
Yes, you’re not sure you are going to be accepted or not so the pc decides to stay in rey’s place before going to check the academy. Also the pc does not know that the academy has a dorm (which he will move to soon). But I am still wondering wether I should put the pc to the dorm from the get-go or let him stay at rey’s place first…

Uncle’s Letter:
The daddy thing was me fooling around haha… the letter is just so that the pc still knows the backstory even if they didn’t interact with Rey. But this might be taken out since I’ve already added an intro.

Overall: Made it in a rush to just get the overall feel, I apologize but I do hope the new one will be better than the old one, even though the old one gives more customization.

Thanks again @ParrotWatcher , I hope you’ll stick around until the day the game is finished. Lol.

[Marzban]

Also will the story take place in the modern age or in the medieval age?