Elementals (WIP) Update! 18/6/19

You don’t know how long you simply stand there- gazing out at the neverending forest before you feel more than hear a presence behind you. Turning around you are just in time to see a painted white door that practically blends in with the wall fall shut.

Behind you stands a middle aged man- tall and slender with dark blonde hair. His posture screams power though how you know that you aren’t sure- more like you can feel it radiating from inside of him. His eyes are what catches you however- they are a pale grey- so pale they are nearly white and almost seem to glow. For a moment nothing happens. You feel almost paralysed to the spot.
Never ending instead of neverending, blonde refers to the hiar clour of a woman, it should be changed to blond, and that second paragraph is really awkward.

awww i dodged Jake… Well guess i gotta wait for more but man this is cool!

You trail off, eyes distant as you recall what happened. You can still remember the pain, the fear that you were about to die.

“Before that. Did you feel different in any way?”

You hesitate, unsure of yourself. In all honesty you’re not quite sure what happened and you slowly admit as much to him.

He doesn’t reply, instead the Headmaster stands and tilts his palms towards you. Before you can even ask what he is doing a sharp gust of wind hits your face, stinging your eyes. Said winds picks up speed, roaring in your ears as you sit there dumbfounded, uncertain. The bed rocks, sheets blow off and suddenly you’re in the air. More accurately- the bed is, floating ever so slightly before coming to a gentle stop once again on solid ground and yet- you can’t help but feel as though this is only a fragment of what he could do.

You blink. One…Two…Three times.
There shouldn’t be a hyphen after yet and one, two and three should not be capitalized.

Just over 2 days." The headmaster replies solemly.

2 days… Briefly your mind wonders to Kasey and you wonder if you’ve been reported missing by now. Not like there was really anyone to miss you in the first place.
It should be wanders instead of wonders.

“So why did it take you so long to show? I’m afraid I don’t know…”

He offers you a smile, eyes filled with knowledge as they scan yours. “I know you have questions. Please, ask.”

”What… exactly is this Academy?”
”What happened?
“How long was I unconcious?”
How did you find me?
A lot of your speech choices start with the one that you use to end off with, as shown above, and the last option has none.

He smiles, though what he’s finding so entertaining you don’t know.

“I will explain everything you need to know shortly.” He then gestures towards the bed. “Please, sit.”

You do so, noticing how his eyes never leave you as he sits down on the bed next to yours so you’re facing one another.

“Allow me to introduce myself. I am Headmaster Spero and you are currently in the infirmary at Mirabilia Academy.”

At you blank look he smiles.
At your instead of at you.

@TheCorrupted
There isn’t yet a chance to raise it but yes, generally speaking, you raise it by practice :relaxed:

@DisturbedOne Thank you! :smiley:

@TheTrueKing Thanks, as you can tell I make a lot of silly mistakes so I’m grateful that you’re pointing them out :relieved: I will get to rewriting and fixing as soon as possible.

I am unsure what you mean by this? Do you mean I am missing speech marks? Which I’m surprised I didn’t notice what with the amount of times I read through :scream:

Thank you for taking the time to go through this :slight_smile:

We had eyes on the men that attacked you. Someone got there almost directly after the incident luckily for you."

“Yeah. lucky me.” You mutter, your hand going briefly to your stomach. Then you frown, “How do you know these… powers even developed? How do you even know I’m one of you?”

“Because we saw you use them, no matter how briefly, before you fell unconscious.” He replies, “Of course we checked into your background and discovered that both of your parents were Elementals.”

“My… Parents?”
Luckily, someone got there almost directly after the incident.
Lucky should be capitalized.
Parents should not be capitalized.

Sorry, forgot what you call them. What I mean is you start a speech with the ones that face left instead of the ones that face right, which is incorrect.

I never even realised that would be a problem :scream: I thought they were all just vertical :relieved: my bad, I guess I’ll have to check those constantly as well.

You might not have known them, you might not even know their faces but that doesn’t mean you don’t wish you did. Wish that you could’ve grown up with them and not alone.

“If you have even one parent who is an elemental then any children they have will also be.” The Headmaster says.
Know their faces should be replaced with seen their faces.

Along corridors, down stairs, through doors. You’re pretty sure you’re not going to remember your way back to the dorm.

It’s when you finally arrive at the Dinning Hall and your eyes take in space before you filled with students chatting and laughing amongst each other that it finally hits you. This is really happening. It’s not just some figment of your imagination and yet it all seems so surrel. One moment you were getting ready to leave the orphanage for good and finding a job or do whatever in the world and now… now it seemed like that life and merely been a lie. Did they just expect you to adjust like that?

At least you weren’t really leaving anything behind.

Rose leaves you to go sit with pale blonde haired boy, stealing an apple from his tray and dancing out of the way of his hand as it goes to grab it back.

Seeing you standing there and looking slightly lost, Rose beckons you over.

You take a seat opposite the blonde boy, casting your eyes about the place and wondering if it is all merely a dream. Or maybe you’re dead. Maybe the knife had killed you and this was just some form of twisted heaven… or hell.

“Hey!” Rose nudges the boy’s arm with her elbow, “Ciro, this is Luke. He’s new so play nice. Luke this is the Academy idiot Ciro.”

Ciro glares at her through dark blue eyes before turning you grinning. “Nice to meet you.” He offers his hand and you take it uncertainly.

“So how come you’re only just joining?” He asks curiously and you wonder if that’ll become a common question to hear in the near future.

“I don’t know.”
“You tell me.”
(lie) “Well, I’m not supposed to tell anyone but… I can trust you can’t I Ciro?”
Should be a comma after you and it’s been autocorrected but there was a pelting mistake in the sentence adjust like that.

Outside stands a girl about your age, tall and slender with a sort of energetic energy surrounding her. Bright red hair greets your vision, along with forest green eyes that stare kindly at you.

“The Headmaster asked me to show you do the Dinning Hall.” She explains. “I’m Rose by the way.”
Do should be replaced with to. If you took martial arts till 11, shouldn’t you be able to overpower the guys in the alley. Also, I noticed some of your choices end in periods and some don’t.

You admit with a shrug though you can’t help but feel curious yourself.
There should be a comma between shrug and though.

Starting to feel slightly uncomfortable you flash him a smile, hoping to lighten the mood. He doesn’t respond rather, he looks away, seemingly bored.
There should be a period after respond.

I did think about that. But seeing as how there is no way the game can know the choice ahead of it being made I will leave it down to shock at the situation and also the fact that you’re 18 years old, whereas two of the men that attack you are a lot older, bigger and experienced and therefore physically stronger.

Also, achieving a black belt at the age of 11 doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be badass :wink: I should know

Rose leads you away from the hall, down corridors made of smooth stone and marble. It’s silent for a while although not exactly uncomfortable. And while you might have been perfectly content to continue without a word passed between you, the red head beside you tilts her head slightly in your direction.

“So what’s your element?” She asks flippantly.

The headmaster asked you that as well, you recall, only he had referred to ‘energies’, whatever that was.

“What’s yours?”
“Earth
You need quotation marks(just now remembered they are called that)after Earth and redhead should be one word, although it is awkward to address her as redhead.

Found an error:

Ugh! I’m so tired! I’ll continue proofreading tomorrow, or when I feel ready to take a crack at this again.
“Me?” She says and you’re tempted to ask who else but she’s already speaking again, “Well my energy sprouted up when I was six.” She smirks slightly at her own pun, “But I’ve been here since I was thirteen.” Her greens eyes slide to look at you for a brief second. “You know, I’ve never heard of someone waiting until they’re eighteen to show their abilities. That leaves you with under two years"
There should be a period after years.
Also, on the page where you choose your element, the ; in the fire choice should be changed to a comma.

I have too much spare time, so might as well finish this up.
You arrive at the History class room with ten minutes to spare and as soon as the teacher sees you, a middle aged woman with pale hair pulled back into a neat bun, she ushers you to her desk.

“So you’re the new student, correct?” She asks as she rummages around in her drawers, “I am Miss Ward your History teacher as you should have gathered.”

Not giving you time to respond she suddenly pulls out a text book and drops it on the wooden top. “This contains all the basics of our society and all you need to concern your tiny brain with.” You frown at her comment but let it slide.
Comma after Ward and no space between text and book.