Donor: A Vampire Victim's Tale [FINAL DRAFT COMPLETE. LAST UPDATE 08.22.2020]

FYI, I’ve posted a minor update:

  • A few various typo fixes.
  • QuickStart links now use #chapter hashtag for navigation.
  • Achievements! These should work, but please let me know if anything seems amiss.
  • In case anyone missed it, I’ve gotten rid of the “Xanax Penalty” experiment. Sorry 'bout that…

Chapter 8 is going to be a couple more weeks (lots of new writing), so this is probably the last update until then. With that said, reach out if you run into a bug, spot any egregious grammar/spelling errors, etc.

Thanks :smiley:
–Elena

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oh, the TMI ensues :wink: dont read if u dont want a sob story.

bcoz…idk how to blur stuff nyehe :flushed:
actually…i feel the same, just not that strongly? idk. I’ve never been to a psychologist before but yea, i feel the same things too. Video games are my #1 coping mechansim as well as IFs. I just hate looking weak so i tough it out but ya know, it always slips through. I sooo get the whole friend thing. It’s like one minute they really feel like someone u can turn to then, out of nowhere they stab u in the back by being insensitive and u get embarrassed in front of everyone or they dish out insensitive jokes straight to your face. Its a thing we gotta deal with that probably wont ever go away. This is probably harsh but, I’ve hardened myself to people. I know they’re twisted and cruel underneath all the kindness, some of it is always spills out. Even from myself. When that happens, i just shrug it off coz i was expecting it. That’s how i face the world and protect myself. You should probably try doing this too? or idk, works for me, maybe not so much for other people bcoz we do have different coping techniques. Just remember that you’re not alone and we’ll all continue battling through this! :blush:

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ohhhh okay, that makes sense :sweat_smile:

well…now that i think about it, i would be pretty excited to get feedback, if i was a writer too…but most of you react so…professionally? or ya know, all cool and not bothered? haha i dunno how to explain it. im just a verrrry vocal person when i talk about something i like so i flail around and have this huge grin and say the weirdest (or sweetest for u) things and then i get so scared that I’ll look weird and too much so its such a relief to be replied to hahaha god, anxiety is a bitch :joy:

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It’s an act. Don’t fall for it! Writers are some of the most insecure people I know. :wink:

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Why does Rich refuse to keep more than one donor at once? It would solve the whole ‘can’t make blood fast enough’ problem.

Or does he also have an addiction for murdering people.

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A few reasons:

  1. As you already mentioned, he really enjoys killing people.
  2. Richard tends to get bored of his donors and has no intention of keeping anyone around long term.
  3. More than one donor would be a huge hassle from his point of view. It’s already risky keeping a single captive around (Angela, for example, turned on Paul). Why compound that with multiple captives plotting against you? (Note: Richard’s probably more worried about multiple captives trashing his apartment than posing any real threat to his life)
  4. Logistically, it’s a lot more trouble. Noise, mess, food, etc.

Paul would also veto the idea. When Rich’s donor’s become low, that’s when he pressures them to hunt. :smirk_cat:

Thanks for the great question! :smiley:

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@Elena_H So, this is a question I’ve been meaning to ask for a while, but it kept slipping my mind. How did Paul know Lenores birthday? Did she tell Paul and Rich at one point?

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They probably took her wallet when the first captured her maybe? (Some cards like licences have your DOB on them.)

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Ok, if that’s the case, why isn’t Lenore surprised/confused at the fact that her IDs are missing from her purse, or the fact that Paul knows her birthday? I just feel like it should be explained at some point. Or at least give us the option to ask Paul how he knows.

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Hmm I guess they are already pretty creepy so you wouldn’t really get surprised if they looked at your info

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@VioletHikari @Jacic @Frogs

Regarding the birthday question :cake:

The implication in that scene is that Lenore’s been hanging out with Paul regularly, and he’s grown familiar enough with her to know when her birthday is (from one of their many conversations over the past three months). I think I’ll go ahead and add some specific birthday dialog in chapter 3 (the first diner scene), however, so that there isn’t any confusion.

But… With that said, it certainly wouldn’t be out of character for Richard and Paul to have gone through Lenore’s purse. :wink:

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Not gonna lie, that was my first thought when Paul mentioned Lenores birthday (like @Jacic said). I just thought it was kind of odd Lenore didn’t react.

That might be for the best.

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I just assumed they would have gone through her things when she first arrived to make sure she wasn’t hiding anything that could potentially hurt them or help her to escape amongst it. (And also they come across as a bit creepy and controlling and probably don’t have boundries, so they’d probably look through her stuff whenever they felt like it anyway.)

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You’re completely right on that. And Richard does go through the MC’s stuff when she arrives (he takes her cell phone, her cigarettes, etc). Unfortunately, though, it wasn’t my intention to reinforce the vamp’s “creepy/controlling” behavior in the birthday scene… which it looks like I inadvertently did :flushed:

Thanks to you, @VioletHikari, and @Frogs I’m going to revise.

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I’m enjoying it but at the same time I can’t feel immersed enough so I don’t know how to feel.

First, because I don’t have any mental health issues so I can’t even begin to comprehend all the xanax/phobia stuff and the fact that your responses change depending on how many you take. The first time I took as little as possible because in real life I would want to stay as grounded in that situation. Once I figured that it did the opposite, I just took all of them at once.

Second, it almost feels like the MC is being steered in the direction of being altruistic and empathetic. I mean yeah I get that people are dying and all that but at the same time human beings have survival instincts. Its not that I want MC to be a crazed serial killer but at the same time if its me or them then I have no intention of of sacrificing myself, especially in regards to stupid people who purposely go to vampire clubs to become food.

I don’t think my humanity has ever increased lol, I don’t think of it as being “detached” but rather having the will to live.

Edit: Also, I went hunting with Paul but for some reason MC ended up wussing out somehow…?

“Riley, how would you like to head out to a bar, seduce a strange man, and bring him back here to die?”

+No
+No thanks
+Pass
+Shake your head

You don’t really get an option to say yes, they’re all basically the same.

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To be fair, what is them looking through her things when they feed from her? If I was Leonore, them looking my belongings would be the least of my concerns :joy:

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Hey @Strider, I love critical feedback! And I think your points are very fair.

Yeah, readers of the novel also complained that the MC was difficult to relate to, so you aren’t alone here. This is a shortcoming on my part as a writer. As someone with an anxiety disorder (OCD, not agoraphobia), I wouldn’t be able to write believably from the perspective of a character who didn’t have one.

With that said, the Xanax mechanic in chapter 1 is annoying/flawed and I’ve been meaning to revise. There should be an equal cost/benefit to taking a large, medium, and small number of pills. I don’t believe the following chapters have this problem, but please speak up if it’s an issue anywhere else.

This is another issue that I’ve been meaning to go back and revise. The problem is that - as it stands right now - it would derail the climax of the story if the MC successfully hunted with Paul in chapter 5. I wanted to give the player the option, but something needed to happen to cause the expedition to fail. It’s on me to figure out how to handle this better, although suggestions would certainly be welcome :slight_smile:

As for the “how would you like to head out to a bar, seduce a strange man, and bring him back here to die?” question, I’ll update the selections to allow for a positive response.

Thank you so much again for the thoughtful, constructive, and well-articulated feedback.:heart: I will absolutely incorporate it into my upcoming revisions.

PS: There WILL be a payoff to low humanity/detachment. You can’t successfully get the “become a vampire” ending without it.

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Maybe have Lenore try to convince him to come with her, but as he’s about to he gets a phone call or someone comes into the bar looking for him (work/family emergency etc) and has to leave in a hurry. Or maybe they’re walking into the carpark and someone backs into his car and he gets into an argument with them/has to wait for the tow truck (people come out of the bar to watch and it’s too risky for him to disappear that night as Lenore was seen with him.)

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This is a great suggestion. I’ll use it! :smiley:

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Is it weird that I was thinking the same thing as I was reading @Elena_H post? Ok, so now I have to come up with my own idea… … …how about… no, that won’t work… … …maybe have that as Lenore is about to convince Dinner to go with her, he notices Paul and suddenly gets the wrong idea (thinking that they are a couple), starts berating Lenore for trying to cheat on her “boyfriend” while he’s in the same club, and leaves before Lenore has a chance to react or say anything… I know it’s not that great, but I blame @Jacic for coming up with such a great idea :persevere:! Lol, just kidding.

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