Diabolus - WIP, Update: 13.10.2019; part of prologue and part of first chapter

Hello! This is my game Diabolus.

the update will be postponed to the first of November because the author еще тот мудак and because it is still being written

Sorry if you found any grammatical, punctuation or syntax errors. English is not my native language. Could you let me know if there are any errors? Thanks

Thanks to everyone who supports me! (if such people still exist):smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Now about 21 percent of the first part is written in demo. Now every day I will update the demo then I will update every week on Sunday.

Short Summary (will be supplemented and modified/changed)

Federation is the safest place on the planet. But what is hidden behind the curtain? Pain and despair. Pain and loss. This story will tell you about a former experiment, a girl with strong telepathic abilities and about their survival in a world that made them survive the horrors.

Warning/Trigger Warning

Non explicit (without detailed description
dark themes, blood and glore, violence, a death cat, mental problems, and sexual themes.
if someone wants to work on the 18 plus version then write to me.

Update
October

10/10/2019 post demo in CoG forum and dashingdon.com
11/10/2019 write a short summary which as the story progresses will be changed and supplemented; change name of the game but only in thread/post
12/10/2019 new old demo; for now game gender-locked-male
13/10/2019 added a short summary to the first book; a little added information about the main character.
14/10/2019 added a new summary
17/10/2019 I changed the title of the series

The name of the series of books: Someone’s War
It will be a series consisting of three books and one prequel.
Diabolus -Old Demo
Diabolus - New-Old Demo (for now this game is gender-locked-male)

MC and other NPC and RO

MC
name: Nathaniel / Natalia
age: 21 years old
birthday: December 29
abilities: Absorption of abilities of others via touch

About the author:
My name is Ksenia. I’m from Vladimir City, Russia. I’m 19 year old girl. I have never written anything before, even in Russian. I only started writing in early 2019. This game is a reworking of my unpublished story. And this is my first serious work

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What is this about??
A short description here would be better

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Yeah as @Addy3 said a summary to explain what the game is about would be welcome.

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Ok, thanks everyone!
@Addy3 @Zene-Zenon
Today (11.10) I will write a short summary. I don’t know the full plot of the game myself.

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Oi, at the moment the demo is too small to give ye any good advice, but it seems very interesting, and I look forward to the next update, anyway I found this small typo here.

Good luck and may the Emperor be with you

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Good so far :roll_eyes::slightly_smiling_face:

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Thanks to everyone who supported me. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Sorry, but there will be no updates today. Updates postponed to Monday due to the fact that my computer was taken away, and on the old I do not have files with the game. :sweat_smile::sweat_smile:

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A few syntax errors and maybe you could use more action words to draw the reader in but overall good draft.

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I changed the name of the game

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This wasn’t bad, especially with English not being your first language! English is hard for me and it’s my native tongue. My biggest complaint, for those playing on PC at least, is reading white text on a black background is personally painful for my eyes. I understand there’s a theme, and I’m perfectly okay with that of course, it’s just something I wanted to mention in case anyone else had similar issues. There’s some words that could be changed or added, but it didn’t ruin the experience.

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Ooohh, this story has me hooked on it’s serspensce! good job!!!

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I update demo. For now this game is gender-locked-male
The next update will be gender and name selection

Хмм, это конечно короткое демо и я мало что могу сказать, но мне определенно нравится начало! Желаю успехов автор! :smiley_cat:

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Спасибо большое! :blush:

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Today I added a short summary to the first book.
also a little added information about the main character and warnings

Can you tell me what you would like to see about the characters?

I wrote part of the prologue. Do my story needs prologue or not? Please write me.
конечно мне никто не напишет

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Well it’s interesting. I love super heroes and vilain games. Personally, i wouldn’t play the vilain. I love helping others, rescuing peoples, or fight villain. You should probably add choice where will be able to play as a hero or at least a vigilante, if it is not possible then do whatever we want whenever we want. You can be a villain but still have codes like “killing if necessary” or “refrain from hurting civilians.” But this story is interesting so, i will keep an eye on it.

About the MC: You said that he had the ability to absorb the ability of other people. If I were you, I’d give the MC another ability.

First, if the MC absorbs the abilities of another person, then logically speaking this victim will no longer be able to use these abilities thus becoming a normal human. Then this NPC will become meaningless.

Second, if the MC absorbs abilities, logically, he should be able to use these new abilities. Which can be problematic in my opinion. Because he’s going to end up super powerful and no one wil be able to stop him. Frankly, I prefer to fight with characters as strong, stronger than me or a little less strong than me. If I am too powerful and crushes all the characters in my path then the battles will no longer make sense, no more thrill (like Saitama’s case in One punch man :joy:). Unless you foresee an antagonist as strong as us and we can’t absorb his/her abilities to stand up to us.

Note that this is just my personal opinion, the history and the world belongs to you, you can do what you want with it. One of the basics of writing: Write what you would like to read.

Suppose my arguments make you think, it would be better to wait for the opinion of other readers to decide.

And you should use a translator like deepl, write in Russian and then translate into English it would be better than writing in English. (If you are writing in English of course without going through translation.)

An advise: Be patient, the story is in it’s bare bones so it’s almost impossible to give appropriate feedbacks. In your last posts, it seem like you are desperatly waiting for them (i just feel it i don’t know if it’s the case :slight_smile:). There will be probably more feedbacks as the story progress.

Also, you should add further info in the summary. It doesn’t show a lot about what we will read in this book.

Looking forward to more of this story :slight_smile:

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I’m writing now and in a week I will release a big update with a prologue and the first chapter. Thanks to everyone who wrote to me.

:hugs:

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The update is postponed to the first of November because it is still being written

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