Dawn of Heroes (WIP) (Updated 03/11/24)

And let’s us use unlimited karma

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I just played the game, I really liked your superhero story, (especially the power system) but I think you should rework some things. For example, the first chapters feel too short and the first fight scene could really use some improvement, no matter what is my power the fight seems the same every time (I started to think it is just a place-holder), you could improve it by changing the text of the choices, to something better than “Use Telekinesis” or “Use ranged attack”. It is also a pretty weird fight btw.

Another thing I think you should add is options that use the “Strength” we can give our powers, for example in the first fight we could have taken the gun off the guy with telekinesis and acute manipulation (or with ferrokinesis).

Another thing that I found weird is that there are too many POV changes.

And lastly, I think it would be nice to have at least a paragraph talking about the consequences of these choices, right now these choices feel like they doesn’t matter and doesn’t have consequences.

Now talking about the cheat codes, it would be nice to have some and I like your idea of little stat improvements if we choose some superhero names (I can give some if you would like), but I still think you should also add normal cheat codes.

I also found some errors and misspellings

You wrote fingrless instead of fingerless (By the way it would be nice if you put horns in the head section of the costume making choices, like daredevils’ horns).

If you chose that it doesn’t tell you if you failed or passed the check.

In the second and third paragraphs, the pronouns of Ya are they, it says their eyes instead of her eyes and they think instead of she thinks.

You wrote teh instead of the.

I am not sure if this one is an error or was intended but you capitalized all the words of three choices.

I find it weird that I can choose “defend” because they don’t even know I am there.

I don’t know if this one is an error but he caught my character off guard even when he has “Combat instincts”, “Danger sense”, “Hyper Reflexes”, “Mind reading”, “Hyper hearing” “telescopic senses” and The best observation I can have at that moment.

And this may be a place-holder, it says let loose “telekinesis”

Pd: I hope this helps you.

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This is already a feature in the game. If you go into the karma section of the stats screen, you can turn it off and on. The karma system was to give the actual challenge to the game while making you stop and think about some of the choices.

I agree with how short the first chapter is. I have been unsure how long to make it. On one hand I want a longer chapter, but readers want to get to the mask and cape. I will work on improving it’s length.

I did have plans to go back over the combat for the early chapters and it kind of fell to the side. Thank you for bringing it back up I appreciate it.

I love the idea of using the acute manipulation in that way! I’ll try to add that. I have found that writing the combat is a challenge because I have given readers too many options. It also makes some scenes really hard to write when I forget what all options I provide. The earlier chapters suffered the worst from this as I was still adjusting how to write in different powers while not making me have to rewrite everything for every individual power.

I was afraid of this. I’m not sure if I will change this. Sometimes there is just more to say with someone else and things the reader will not learn otherwise. This is why I was still incorporating karma choices into those sections, so you still had a choice in things. Still I will reflect on this, thank you for letting me know.

I will try to add more for this to be apparent early on. This is more a planned choice that will come up in the ending half of the profession stories.

Thank you for the typo feedback! I will get to fixing them shortly.

Thank you everyone for the feedback! :heart:

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Was this in general? Or mainly from the ending two chapters when there are so many different things going on?

Have you watched a Superhero movies or series?:sweat_smile: Their very existence consists of POV changes. It’s to allow the audience(in this case the readers) to see and learn certain things that the MC ain’t suppose to know yet… sometimes.
Anyway @Dvalor53 I believe the POV changes are great! They add flavour and angst. Which so few superhero stories have that have been posted. It makes yours unique :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Today is the one year anniversary of my putting this story on Choice of Games! Wow time flies and at the same time feel like I should be closer to the end of this project. I was hoping for something special to do to celebrate, but I was unable to come up with anything feasible in time. So…

Happy Anniversary DoH WIP! :birthday:

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I love your work so far. But something that would be great that I see some other authors do is having a little bit at the beginning showing the updates, when they happened, and what did it change or add. It’s not a big deal but does help with testers to see if there is something new to test.

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I remember when you first posted this, and I still love it til this say. Keep working hard and I wish you nothing but the best. Happy birthday Dawn of Heroes!

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As much as i currently love the story, I have to agree with the top poster. There are way too many POV changes. It really kinda does take away from the story.

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I found a bug:

Location here

The text that follows the choices seems to be swapped.

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Hello everyone!

Sorry to get this update out a day later than normal. This last month has been a mixed bag for me. I did that mass updated that everyone saw (I hope). I was hospitalized again a week before the one-year anniversary of this WIP being available. The anniversary happened. Despite all of this I have managed to pull ahead of my word quota overall. I had only been below for one of the weeks (by a lot). Also, my wordcount has now broken over 200k!

I have updated the demo to fix some of the typos provided. The suggestions for the combat have not been fixed yet. I hope for my next major update for the demo to have that completed. I have not added a cheat mode yet, but probably will for the demo only. Once turned on, it’ll not be able to be turn off for that playthrough.

I really appreciate all feedback and am looking for constructive criticism. Thank you to everyone who has taken time to read my WIP. Thank you to everyone who has provided feedback.

I will not be advancing the story further in the demo but will continue to update anything within the first 14 chapters. My next major update should include the Mechanic job route. With it the story gains new side characters, a new side villain, and a new romance option. This is not what I am actively focused on, so I do not have an ETA yet.

See everyone in September!

October Month’s end update

  • Chapter 15 first draft finished
  • Chapter 16 first draft finished
  • Chapter 17 first route, first draft
  • Chapter 18 first route, first draft
  • Fixed reported Choice flip
  • Fixed reported grammar and spelling errors.

Still working on:

  • Mechanic Job Route
  • Chapter 17 second route
  • Chapter 18 second route
  • Adding a glossary
  • Custom gadget system
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First of all I hope you are in good health now or at least your condition improves.

And on the other hand, congratulations on your progress in this story of heroes. The mechanic’s route I was anticipated for a long time and it seems that the time is approaching to investigate another point of view of the MC

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Kyra says queue instead of cue after being antagonized by Aurora/Austin

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My hero! Fixed.

Oi there @Dvalor53 I got this when I opened stats page

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Thank you for that information. I did a quick fix for now. I’ll get to a more stream line fix later.

I greatly appreciate it and sorry for the error.

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Some of the oher hero povs has the same problem @Dvalor53… Also my CEO hero has forcefield with automated effect and toughness/durable too but when the hero saved the kid it says error. Something ‘hasforcefieldautomatic’ non-existent variable… Isn’t it ‘hasforcefieldautomated’?

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Also I was checking the code and what’s INo power? Is it supposed to be No power perhaps?

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Fixed and fixed. Thank you again.

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Btw @Dvalor53 so far I only played thr CEO route, so I only found errors on that. Also pease tell me the kid that MC saves is safe when MC got shot at the end. :smirk_cat::smirk_cat::smirk_cat: even if it might be a minor spoiler .

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