@Duke-Don Did you forget to link the new demo? I can’t find it.
Yep, sorry thanks for reminding.
No problem. I think the new version is an improvement! The pacing is much better. It’s pretty short but other than that, there’s no real issue. You are still sometimes switching from present tense to past tense, usually by using “couldn’t” when it should be “can’t”.
I’ll go into more detail after I get some sleep. Goodnight!
Thanks for your feedback. It has only 40% of chapter I. I will try to update it as soon as possible.
Nice one bruh, I’m not confused of what is going on
Also I don’t know if this is a typo but I’ll put it here just in case
It mentions that we are with a friend, you can ignore this if this is not a typo.
Crap I just realize the darkness is the friend hahaba
Actually, I was trying to imply your friend is darkness
Yeah I just realise it sorry haha pls ignore it.
No problem, what do you think about the new demo?
The new demo is great. I’m still new to writing but this a nice improvement in my standards atleast. I’m not confused of what is happening anymore, I also like the new intro it made me curios. But if your looking for a more better feedback you should probably ask from the others like those you just mention at the 1st post (I’m not included ofcourse.)
In short I like it.
I’m not good at giving advice but.
Do your best, have fun because if you had fun making it someone is bound to have fun playing and reading. Good luck, remember you may not feel them but some lurkers are also supporting you.
Well, I am also new to writing. Well, it doesn’t matter. Ideas can come to anyone. So I always welcome your feedback or suggestions.
Just wanna put I didn’t play the old demo, so keep that in mind
I really like the idea of this, so just wanna put some suggestions.
- Some of the paragraphs seem awkwardly worded. ( I know some people already said this ) Some need spaces, new wording, etc.
Like this one -
Like this one
“*”*You have lost everything you had loved. The thought of liking someone/something terrifies you. Your life has become a dreadful curse. Currently you are scanning the battlefield for any life form, but you couldn’t find anything except her. She is standing right infront of you with a villianous smile. The sight of her makes your blood boil. She had made your life miserable for the last four years. It all started at that day… **".
I suggest something like this - "You have lost everything you had loved. The thought of liking someone, something… terrifies you. Your life has become a dreadful curse. (I added a sentence to make it seem more complete) It’s all because of a certain someone.
Currently you are scanning the battlefield for any life form, but you couldn’t find anything except her. She is standing right in-front of you with a villainous (this word might be spelled incorrectly on yours) smile. The sight of her makes your blood boil. She had made your life miserable for the last four years. It all started at that day…
Also small detail, but after you input your name, you could perhaps read the invitation your character has. (would include details like basic studies, what univ looks like, maybe how to get their, etc.
Another thing, the beginning kinda just proofs out of nowhere. Maybe at the start of chapter one, you could start off saying goodbye to the characters parents, perhaps explaining how the character gets their (like in a car, bus, broom, etc.) Describing the world, how it runs would be good to put here as well. (this would be good to add if you are going to have the univ really different from the world it-self.
Last thing - world building needs some help.
Hopeful this doesn’t sound bad - and some of these are just suggests. Don’t take them too seriously.
@Tiadog7 Thanks for your feedback.
I will look into the sentences but I am sorry I can’t promise anything, because I kind of rewrote the whole stuff again.
About classes and other stuff, I am planning it to write in the 2nd chapter. The 1st chapter only has MC’s day one experience.
About MC’s mother and childhood, you could see a part of it every chapter like a flashback.
Since I have published only 40% of chapter I. I am unable to write about the world fully. You will see it in the upcoming chapters. Plus it is taking place in medieval times, sorry I tagged it as modern fantasy. I will change it.
I always welcome your feedback thank you.
Sorry guys, I am busy with my university exams the next update will most likely be at the end of August or September. Sorry to say that.
We all realize that real life comes first. Take care of you first. We get free entertainment.
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