Guys I have started from the beginning. I hope you like the new demo. For those who have played my old demo, don’t worry the plot will same but there would be a few changes in details. I hope this meets your expectation and I will try to update a chapter every month.
Plot
You are a freshman at the Danford University, where you watch the mysteries unfold.
Update log
22/5 - New demo
24/5 - New scene in Chapter I
10/8 - Completed Chapter I
12/8 - Replaced few scenes in Chapter I, Adjusted Stats
Things present in demo
Prologue
Chapter I
Stats
Glossary
RO's
1.Juan Lowsy
Sarcastic Male Vampire, who is your room mate. He is an orphan who grew up in Danford city. He doesn’t like to discuss about his past. The only thing he loves is brawling with others.
Please report any bugs. I have already run the quick and random test. I didn’t find any. Also please report any grammatical errors. I am open to your suggestions, so please do comment.
Hello~. I think it would be great if you separate the texts into paragraphs as it would be more pleasant to the eyes.
Also, I think it would help to get some contexts as the headmaster just forbid the use of a word that we reader don’t know of.
About the girl we encounter, running after her when she seems to be in tears doesn’t seem really… Well, I guess some would run after her? But we just met her so we player probably don’t feel attached to her to run after her.
There was also the time where you mentioned the teacher, you said she is fast and told us a name of a… race? I don’t know what it is precisely but it would be great you explain it to us. Ah right, I guess you would put it in the glossary.
And when we apologized, I don’t think everyone of us would tremble in fear of a random girl anger. X) As it’s only the first demo, I’m sure you would put more reactions so please take this into account too. It’s only my opinion, so good luck! And continue to have fun while creating.
I think you are rushing with the story. It felt like riding in a roller coaster
Might I suggest you slowing down the rate? Organize your ideas, develop the scenes further, introduce properly your characters to the readers and add more interactions of these characters with the MC
I like the start of the story, there are some grammatical error, and … well this is a my personal preference, but in some part of the story are written superficially. Like the scene where the MC cry in front of the girl and she doesnt even flinc, the (i think probably) principal secondary character are not described in detail
I’m so bad at explaining things, but I’m gonna try. During the reading, I get the impression that the MC is already used to this University, nothing around trigger an emotional reaction in him/her. It’s like a routine day of his/her life: no reaction when the dragon roar, the teleportation part, the “veronicx” warning… For him/her is like a normal day, skipping the usual details, but for me as a reader it’s totally confusing because everything happening here is new for me and I don’t know nothing and what is going on, even who is Laura and what represent to the MC (only the MC knows)
The grammar needs work and some sentences are kind of awkwardly written. Take the first paragraph:
Summary
It was a normal Aurum morning, the city of Danford was glittering with snow, which one could possibly think that it is the work of the frost drake but to their dismay no. It is actually the common weather during this period of the year. Along with the snow starts the studies of thousands of students & you are one of them. It is a rule of Magnicia that if you had reached 18 human years it is the duty of child and his/her parents to enrol them in any university. This rule applies to everyone even for the angels and demons,the same applies to you.
It changes from past tense (it was a normal Aurum morning) to present tense (It is the common weather).
I think you might mean that Danford was glistening with snow? I’ve personally never heard of “glittering” as a verb.
You shouldn’t use an ampersand (&) in that sentence, just write out “and”.
“It is a rule of Magnicia that if you had reached 18 human years”
You’re slipping into past tense again. Also a year is the same for every creature, human or otherwise. I understand that you’re trying to set up the existence of nonhuman creatures but you do that in the next sentence anyway so I’d just get rid of it.
Is 18 not the age of maturity in this universe? You’re still referring to them as children and saying they need their parents to enroll them in universities.
So to rewrite the paragraph (and I hope this isn’t too forward of me) it would look better as:
Summary
It is a normal Aurum morning and the city of Danford glistens with snow. One could think that it is the work of a frost drake but unfortunately this is normal weather for this time of year. The snow signals the start of studies for thousands of students, including yourself. It is the rule of Magnicia that once you reach eighteen years of age, it is your duty to enroll in a university. This rule applies to everyone, even the angels and demons. You are no exception.
I’m always glad to see a magical university story. They’re so fun! Good luck with your WIP and happy writing!
Hello again. I’m glad to see that there are a lot of progress.
For the girl, I think it would be great to elaborate who is Laura. If it’s for the suspense, you could just do something vague like. “It’s been so long since the last time you saw her. The Laura that you know had a fierce personality, so seeing her cry surprise you. Is she truly Laura?” Like this, we would only know the most prominent personality trait about her and that you actually know her. We don’t really know their relationship, where they really met before, on and on… Like this, it may make the player wants to find out more about her.
As for the father, I think it would be great if we could withhold our judgment before hearing his explanation. Like, a third option that isn’t Forgive/Don’t Forgive.
As for the vampire, I kind of just feel misunderstood, a bit. I hesitated to reply him at our first meeting because you wrote that he said in a cold voice. (“Cold” in my head : No so friendly.) The poor boy probably took it in the wrong way. It did surprise me how enthusiastic he was later when we get along. Is he the type of person that looks cold at first but is actually like a puppy? Pssst, if so, could we bring this up to him later on? (And possibly tease him about this too? XD)
You said that some things are natural for the mc and it’s something they are familiar with. If so, maybe you could write some things like “You heard the oh so familiar dragon roar that each school has that signals that you’re going to be late. Curse.” Subtly telling us that we are familiar with it and what it is. You could do this by making the mc comments about it, recalling memories, their past experience with it.
Thank you @SamCornick for your valuable feedback. I know that my language and grammar are terrible so I am recreating it from the beginning. I will update it at 10:00 am GST. I hope you will like the new one.
Also, please help in future with your valuable comments. I am always open to your suggestions.
@LikeGames once again thanks again for your valuable opinion.
I hope you have read the other comment. I have written it from scratch once again but
I have written only up to the part where you enter the university.
But I hope you will like it. Please continue to post your valuable comments.
About the things which you have mentioned, I will take it into account while adding the next update.
I’m glad to see that there are a lot of progress.