This shouldn’t happen, am I right?
How the heck?! I fixed that only recently
I’ll reupload the file as soon as I’m back home.
EDIT: Alright, reuploaded the file. Sorry about that.
As I am going to overhaul ch1 greatly (scenefiles, variables, stats) for the next update, I’d like to ask for some indepth feedback.
Either here or via DM.
Do you miss anything in the intro? Origins for the kid? Relationship details? Anything that you think needs to be elaborated more/better?
Feel like choices are missing?
Origins of the kid would be nice. i would also like to know what are the reasons why in-law’s hate us as well.
Also, is Aunt Grace related to the kid!PC or is she a family friend?
If there is more backstory to add (and honestly, I’m fine not having every little detail established in-game), I’d seriously consider ways to spread it out over the course of the game. The opening chapter is already very, very, exposition-heavy. You present it artfully and engagingly (though Ian’s wall-o-text is a lot), but it’s still a lot of information before very much really happens. Your story is moving at a fairly leisurely pace so far. As of now, this story is an exploration of place and relationships, with the main tension coming from the mysteriousness of the situation. As it is, you’ve struck a good balance between giving the reader enough information to understand the situation and build intrigue without making us wonder “but is anything going to happen?” I’m OK with waiting a chapter or two for more backstory; in fact, not knowing it all at once is more likely to keep me intrigued and wanting to read on.
It can vary. I’ll prolly put it up as a choice if Aunt Gloria (great, now I’m confused too XD ) is directly related or not.
As for the detailed origin, that’ll come later (around ch2 or 4 )
Also… tiny spoiler. As noted before I’m fleshing out the food descriptions. Have a teaser:
You bite your lips for a moment, eyeing the size and extravagant fluffiness of the waffles in the hands of other people around.
Powdered sugar covering the soft golden squares like snow on mountain ridges, collecting in the valleys alongside colorful syrups.
You see the red and pink of straw- and raspberry, the purple and gold of blueberries and honey, flowing thickly over the baked ridges, dripping down over napkins and fingers, twinkling and shining in the overhead light.
“Belgian waffles, please,” you order. “With sugar and strawberries.”
“Any syrup too, sweetie?” The woman asks, reaching for a container with dough.
“Honey, please.” You exhale softly at the thought of it running over the fruits, mixing magnificently with them in every bite.
“I see you know the good stuff. I’ll see what I can do.” The woman grins and winks, before heading over to a really old-fashioned waffle iron, humming along to the tune on the radio.
Working hard on the bonus chapter. Also overhauling Ian’s part a bit (mainly some worldbuilding and a bit more physical description of our 7’ muscled latino bookworm)
I imagine it as a thick cloud of a strange color like when you mix many colors at the same time, and if you touch it, it is viscous and smells like burnt or like a nuclear power plant.
As other users said, the firsr chapter is really great in terms of backstory. It says the necessary without being overwhelming and I think it would be great if we get to know more about the relationship between the MC and the child as the story unfolds, like for example if they always had a good relationship, how they see eachother… etc.
Maybe it can be good to add some phisical appearance choices for both the MC and the child (like hair, eyes, body type, style of clothing…).
Have a good day!
PS: also thanks a lot for the halaal choice, I’m muslim and it warmed my heart a lot that you added it
Not sure if this was stated before but if we pick option to have kid adopted will we also have an option for kid to know that they were adopted?
They will know. Because Aunt Gloria is an utter arse and told them
Dang it Aunt Gloria, why you gotta be like that? ️
People, please wish me luck I just did the math and for the cooking contest along I’ll be writing almost 100 different minor paths… and that’s not counting the different rounds… with those (aka which contestant is out at what point) it will probably amount to 200…
That is quite an undertaking! However, I am sure that each path will be interesting and worthwhile. I look forward to enjoying the fruits of your labor.
Damn you have no idea how much seeing Turon here puts a smile in my face! I’m normally not at all demanding of representation, but I love how much resesrch you did to international products! Nice
I hope the expanded version below is okay thus:
One look at the display and you can almost taste the soft, warm banana slice coated in partially caramelized sugar, the rich sweet juices of jackfruit strips, all paired with the crunchiness of the deep-fried wrap and the underlying savoriness of the sesame seeds sprinkled on top.
You lick your lips ever so slightly as you spot that the stand also offers the serving with a coat of caramel.
“I’d like some turon please,” you order. “Banana, jackfruit and coconut.”
“Caramel coat?” The woman asks and you let out a soft, delighted sigh.
“I see you know the good stuff.” The woman grins and winks, before heading over to the deep fryer, humming along to the tune on the radio.
That looks perfect! I asked some of my relatices if that sounds accurate since turon isn’t a favorite of mine despite being filipino, but it does sound accurate! Hope my feedback helps
Oh dear, the descriptions I love the descriptions, send help (or more peeks into food descriptions, honestly at this point both would be perfect)!!
I’ll see what I can do.
EDIT: Important question:
Working on the bonus chapter, and am wondering if I should include Aetherkinesis and RealityWarping as powers.
Aetherkinesis would allow for very powerful blasts, but can harm the user severely.
Reality Warping allows for minor alterations to the world around, but won’t work if the user tries to shift things to a reality in which the warping would not work (due to contradicting factors, like having someone survive while achieving something that’d have required their death)