My mistake. I think I overlooked it since “Snake” has the first name of Thomas, and Egan went with Tommy.
Anyways, I found a few more things. One is a serious continuity issue, the others are minor grammar parts.
The continuity part is that when I met Estafania at the fair during the first go around, it is possible to fight her. When you do, you get this:
Your fangs are buried in Rios’s neck, and you suck as though your unlife depends on it. For it absolutely does. When the moment of her expiration nears, you welcome it. This is not the first time you have consumed the heartsblood of another of your kind, nor will it likely be the last.
I am a little unclear whether the player consumes her entirely at this point. If so, maybe some mention of the corpse would be good. If Estafania has plot armor, then maybe some interference interrupts the encounter. Note: The interruption does happen if you meet her in the ‘round 2’ of the fair when West arrives on the scene.
The other reason I think a little more clarification would be nice is because it then went to this page (nothing wrong with the page, just mentioning it for location purposes)
To add to the madness of the Exposition, the Democratic National Committee has chosen St. Louis to host the nominating convention this year. Of course, the last time the national convention was held in St. Louis, a Democrat won the vote but lost the election in exchange for the end of Reconstruction.
Heh, and now I can imagine an Estafania who survives spreading the word the player tried to consumer her (at least with her escape if West arrives)
Onto the minor grammar stuff:
Original: Maeve is stunned by your gesture. Of course, the fact that you ensure her loyalty by regularly threatening to murder her whole family makes renders this deed mostly moot.
Suggestion: I think you can remove ‘makes’ before ‘renders’
Original: Betty Cowper sees him to the door. You wait a few minutes and then excuse yourself.
Following him and emptying his pockets is a simple enough affair. Humans exist to satisfy your needs. Why should you behavior towards them in any other way?
Suggestion: In the second sentence before this, I think the ‘you’ should be ‘your’
Original: It’s actually easier that you anticipated; you are, in fact, the better swordswoman. Within a few moments, you pierce her heart with your blade.
She sputters blood and dies in the arms of her brother
Suggestion: In the first sentence, the ‘that’ should ‘than’
Original: Finally, she is empty. You drop her body to the ground. Even now the flesh is withering away; soon, the corpose of an old woman lays before you.
Suggestion: There is a misspelling of corpse
