Aaaand there goes one more!
No! Behave you two! Pulls @Fonex back, petting her frantically Calm down honey… no need to kill anyone…
Rook: Ladies! Relajante! Chill! There's plenty of me to go around!
THEY’RE NOT FIGHTING OVER YOU!
10 Likes
I just love how Rook has some very strong Deadpool vibes. One of the reasons why he’s my absolute favorite character in this story.
8 Likes
Who said anything about killing?~ (also you used the wrong two)
2 Likes
It has come… Again, beware of spoilers, as I cannot muster any strength to add a filter after posting this.
Summary
Hyphen after Ra…? I think? Yeah. I do believe that 3 dots are used after a complete quote. And Wait is supposed to be lowercased.
period after answers.
Looking out the window, you see Sariel running away from the burning police cruiser.
This would work better, imo.
The car spins into a U-turn? Could just be me, but the “spins a u-turn” doesn’t seem right.
I think that this should be “you hold on for dear life” as opposed to the word “holding”.
it’s should be its.
So, “she looks at the seat pocket in front of her and pulls out a pack of cigarettes”, and “she pulls a pack of cigarettes out of the seat pocket in front of her” seem to flow better, imo.
[EXPUNGED, I MADE AN ERROR] I failed to label the “you” I was referring to. The last one, after “her palm open to”.
Capitalize male and brown. Additionally, colour is the UK spelling of color. I kid you not, I have been penalized for spelling it like that, as I live in the US. Oh, and, capitalize the c in colour? maybe?
Well… Period after Greg. And… I’m not wearing a suit. Oh, and I don’t recall purchasing a 9508848, as I’m just escaping the jail?
No messages or E-mail? It would add to immersion, because this is on a phone.
Where should home page be? And (I now realize that I have critiqued you for the use of and to start a sentence) you’re missing a period after job.
Note on penalties: I feel that there should be some in regards to bodily harm. If Ben or You can’t do that, then I understand. How is he, by the way?
Anyways…
Could this be persuasion, instead?
A roll of duct tape. Additionally, there is a missing period after pocket.
On the shoulder instead of in. Should be “and gives him a pair too”
A cat face on the cheeks? Forgive me, but isn’t Raquel’s mask itself supposed to be structured like a cat face? If so, then shouldn’t the whiskers be on the cheeks?
Language.
Remove comma after sariel, instead, add after in. Or, you could change it to "She doesn’t all at all to be honest." Sariel chimes in, slowing the car down as he rounds a corner.
Maybe change to “hearing nothing but static”?
Capitalize the B in but. Maybe add comma as a replacement for the … after really.
Capitalize must. No, scratch that. Maybe add an “It” before must.
Period after room. “is visibly” isn’t necessary, as I do believe that our MC can see if someone’s wearing a hockey mask or not. Add period after tie.
Whew, I need a drink. Maybe some french roast. mmmmmm…
2 Likes
I shall commence work on another post within the hour.
2 Likes
Ookay! Cracks knuckles
… Let’s do this…
Jesus, calm down…
6 Likes
10 Likes
What? Is there something weird about that? 
4 Likes
I guess it depends on the petting done …
5 Likes
No.
If some of you wonder if I have anything better to be doing Friday night, see above.
Anyways… Assume the “brace” position. Please prepare for spoilers.
Summary
Whose hand? Does he just have a hand to give people to shake? What I mean is, I believe it should be “He offers you his hand to shake”
“The only thing you could see of him” Could be “The only feature you can make out are his bright blue eyes.”
“I’ve been informed much about you” Flows rather… Awkwardly, imo. Could just be the cliche “I know much about you” or, “My contacts have kept me well-informed” or something.
I, too yearn for the ability to perform oxymorons in real life. Not a big issue, but the two contradict each other.
Could be a comma after please. Instead of shows, “Gabriel gestures towards the two empty seats for you and Mouse” could work.
One dot after on. Capitalize or. Period after table.
Lay should be lays. Damnit, I’m hungry.
One period after menu. capitalize This. Remove/replace And. “A man in waiter clothing.” How about just changing it to “a waiter”?
Period after accent.
Period after ask. Additionally, I do believe that vous should replace tu.
It should be noted that I am not a French speaker, so take this one with a grain of salt. But read the snippet, you might learn something! Link here: http://frenchyourway.com.au/tu-or-vous
Period after accent.
Period after coffee. Maybe remove the “you see”,as “You look across the table and see Kaidan’s having coffee.” works just fine.
Could be “after a few oddly silent minutes”
I commend you. This is the address of an actual apartment complex. Well done.
Could be Kaidan says through a mouthful of eggs or “He has it written down in the napkin in front of him…” Kaidan says though a mouthful of eggs.
How did I not notice this. How.
Huh, go figure.
Damn, @MichaelMaxwell, Stuyvesant High really exists! I don’t quite know why, but now I’m determined to find ALL the real-world references.
Wrong tense. Skipped should be skips, if it happens just as we read it.
Missing period after coffee.
Add period after omlette.
Add period after nowadays.
Add period after down.
Period after history.
But… I’m a cop? Will I get arrested for treason, then?
Period after answer.
Period after anyone.
Never forget…
Asks Mouse. Add period after Mouse.
Add period after smirks.
Period after license.
Period after gets.
Period after shoulder.
Period after atm.
Period after you.
Period after me.
Whew, nothing like some Mongolian throat singing to calm one’s nerves as he edits…
Damn, Mouse is too cute. Anyways, it should be “as her feet touch the ground”, not touches.
If he wants to keep up with the Fench con, then he should say Monsieur/Mademoiselle. Huh. Does French have a non-binary equivalent?
But… I was recruited…
Period.
Period.
PERIOD.
PERIOD.
Capitalize F and B?
Comma between oh and you.
Period.
Oh.
So.
Many.
Periods.
3 Likes
I will now rest, and watch the sun rise on a grateful thread.
2 Likes
@MichaelMaxwell Will you make a Raquel route? Or does she have eyes for a certain man, by the name of Ga-ack
3 Likes
Absolutely loved the demo! Can we romance Gabriel in the demo or is that bit not written yet?
1 Like
I hope she can be romanced because she’s just so cute! But, yeah, certain people will silence you over Gabriel
4 Likes
Aria: Mi scusi?
3 Likes
Bishop did call Rook a wannabe Deadpool. Hurt his feelings. He apologized for it though. Presumably made up over Tacos.
1 Like
Welcome to the Gabriel Fanclub where we play to please our mysterious masked mentor Archangel
4 Likes
Heehee thank you for tht clue 
time to do some sherlocking 
6 Likes
Aaaand I just got done with all the reports…
There already are. Certain body parts, when shot, will give body specific penalties. If you get shot in the leg, you get some penalties to your agility.
Because the wounding system is so universal and used in every single combat, I can’t exactly put up a scene where every time you get shot in the leg, I describe as to how your character starts limping…
that is just… too much work… I’m sorry…
He’s doing well!
Oh shush… @deznutes
I would like to add that I write my dialogues how I imagine their characters would say them…
expect a lot of comas and ellipsis, in odd places…
You’re a conman whose native language isn’t french… it doesn’t have to be perfect…
Most of these cannot be helped, since they are coded to sometimes continue into another sentence which you may or may not get.
This is actually a thing. I learnt this handshake from one of my bosses. Tightening your thumb and pinky but gently relaxing the other three fingers in a handshake to give a firm yet gentle handshake…
Again, I sometimes write these things as how I imagine them being said by the narrator (Yes, I have a default narrator voice running through my head whenever I read these descriptions…)
Wow… you actually searched it…
Yes, my addiction in searching random stuff on google has paid off…
I think it’d be so annoying to live next to him. 
I did a LOT of google research… a LOT… maybe too much…
Some of Greg’s poducts are also real life products, with altered names for copyright reasons…
No, coding error. Fixed!
War never changes…
Nope, because it’s coded. And I’m too tired to make up different variables for it…
A few minutes later
AAAAANNND DONE!!! Phew… time for tea…
As for the Raquel route, yes. You will be able to romance Raquel… once she’s given up on trying to get Gabriel to notice her…
As of the moment, you can give him hugs, but that’s about it. His romance is smowhere towards the end of Chapter 5, along with Raquel’s.
Rook: One thing Deadpool doesn't have, is are sidekicks!
Bishop: I'm not your sidekick, I'm your partner.
Rook: Aawweeee... I have a feeling you enjoy hurting my feelings.
Bishop: I live for it...
Damn it… well GOOD LUCK!
6 Likes
Cable, Lady Deadpool, Dogpool, Headpool, Thomas Jefferson, X Force and a bunch of other people would like a word. Many words. They. Just. Don’t. Shut. Up.
6 Likes