The breaks in writing:
“I’m not joking, if you make the wrong move here, it could mean the difference between life and death.”
“… oh wait… nevermind, forget I said that last bit…”
ruin immersion for me. I understand the attempt at sarcasm but it kind of falls flat. I think it owuld be better to just remove these altogether.
And wasn’t the tint of the windshield black? How would cops be able to see your mask through that? For the sake of argument, lets say they could see you and you weren’t wearing a mask. The cops would be somewhat suspicious of the running pair carrying bags of money getting inside your car, no? Blaming cops seeing you on your mask is… odd.
Still, the writing is good. But I saw a few minor errors some pages back. I will paste in a bit.
As you walk home, you start to think about your life. You’ve just committed a crime, and you were okay with it. Hell, for all I know, you could be proud of it. And if you aren’t, don’t worry, you must have had a reason for doing such a thing.
More immersion breaks.