BREACH - Crime Thriller WIP (Update #40 30-March-2019) (800k~ Word)

comedy
young-adult-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice
#3910

Missing endpoint. Fixed, but will be uploaded later on.

0 Likes

#3911
Summary
  • I failed the persuasion roll during the 3rd hangout scene with Hayne, yet it still treated it as if I succeeded anyway. Same thing also happened if I fail the strength check during Mouse’s 3rd hangout scene (though I just barely failed it).

  • For the bowling alley scene with Rook, even if you successfully get a strike, you still have to roll for the second ball roll. Speaking of which, if you’re still planning on using the hero and criminal reputation meters, you could also use donating to the charity as an opportunity to bump up the hero meter.

  • Another thing about companions that I’m not sure is ever addressed or not, but… you would think that after you call any of them the first time and tell them that you want to hang out with them, they would mark you down as a contact of interest, especially since they’re gonna be working with you for the foreseeable future. Instead, every time they call they ask who it is. Kinda weird.

1 Like

#3912

When inviting Raquel in, it says that you’re opening the door for Gabriel.

1 Like

#3913

That sneaky Gabe!

3 Likes

#3914

Fixed the Hayne part… but… Mouse doesn’t have a third hangout, as far I remember :thinking:

Fixed. And no, I don’t think I’ll be keeping the hero and criminal reputation anytime soon unless I have the time to go through the entire game again and fit in the necessary additions

This one might take awhile to fix, since every hangout opening is separate from the hangout itself, but I’ll fix them anyway.

Fixed! (Love your username btw)

0 Likes

#3915

This is pretty small, but when the Leadfoot protagonist turns on the radio, there’s a missing hyphen for Sound Of Da Police.

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#3916

By “third hangout,” I mean the one where you two go out for ice cream and come across a robbery.

I’m pretty sure Mouse has 3 hangout scenes, but my memory is kinda hazy. :sweat_smile:

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#3917

Mouse has only 2 actual hangouts. The third one is coming in a few updates.

6 Likes

#3918

Hey great work on the update and you are an amazing writer. Quick question what kind of enhancements are you adding for the romance options?

3 Likes

#3919

Thank you! I absolutely hope that I can actually finish the next few updates! :sweat_smile:

Eversince I finished Gabriel’s romance, the other romances just doesn’t really live up to the standard that Gabriel has set so in order to not let the other romances get left behind, I’m trying to give them some … um… pizzazz

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#3920

Hayne banged me in an interrogation room last time in part 4. What’s more pizazzy than that.

4 Likes

#3921

Not that romance :joy: The one in the end of chapter 3.

Also you may want to cover those up with spoilers a bit.

3 Likes

#3922

More Hayne is always good.

Sorry me’lord it’s been edited

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#3923

Sorry if this has been answered before but are you planning on making a sequel to Breach, or moving onto an entirely new project?:thinking:

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#3924

Breach will definitely have a sequel but since the game has been cut in half and this is the part 1 of the full game, I’ll definitely have to work on Breach first before moving on, however, I do have a fantasy game that I already have in my mind that I absolutely would love to write.

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#3925

How did you got that scene?This text will be blurred

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#3926

This incomplete is epic when finished it will a masterpiece

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#3927

I just realized that I messed up with the spoiler tag, anyway forget my question No_this_is_Patrick.

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#3928

I don’t know if you’re still looking for ideas on how to improve Gabriel’s romance but I’ve read through the story again and I have some suggestions, if you’re interested.

Collapsed this in case of spoilers and because of the length of my ramblings.

Summary


This suggestion/scene idea will depend on how early you want the romance to start. It states the van is fully packed, which makes me think it’s a tight squeeze. Maybe MC is sitting next to Gabriel and accidentally gets squished into his side. You could have a few choices like MC blushes, stumbles out an apology and tries to move away, or they both try to ignore the awkward position they’re in, or (if you’re not wanting to “romance” him) MC could make a joke or apologize in a ‘calm’ way.


This scene could be one of those times where Gabe “let’s it slip”, as @Sparkles had put it, that he thinks their cute. Like, he’s watching MC try his sweets and whispers that he thinks they’re cute, adorable, etc under his breath and he doesn’t realize what he said until he’s already said it. It could be something only the MC heard clearly and could have different reactions such as saying thank you, blushing (again), being shocked and thinking they misheard, or (my personal favourite) whispering back that they think he’s cute/adorable too.


I know @Sparkles (I’m going to keep referring to your comment because I very much like your ideas and they got me thinking) mentioned this scene already and suggested having MC on the floor beneath Gabriel, but I have something to add that’s along the same lines. You could reverse the positions with MC possibly stumbling when Gabe pulls them up, and having them fall on top of him, straddling him with their head against his chest. If you wanted, you could make it a choice for the player as to who is beneath who.


I’m imagining that they landed closely beside each other so Gabe could slowly reach up to caress MC cheek, ask if they were hurt/shot at all. Or you could use this as another opportunity for either MC or Gabe to fall on top of the other and someone could make a joke about ending up in this same position again.


After Gabe gives us the necklace, I imagine my MC wearing it all the time; keeping it hidden under her shirt and not taking it off very often. Maybe in this scene, Gabe could help MC put it on, having his fingers ghosting over their neck and shoulders. MC could look over their shoulder at him and they end up staring at each other for a while before one of our crewmates clears their throat or someone makes a noise and breaks the moment.

This idea is somewhat related to the one above but maybe during the actual romance scene with Gabriel, he could notice that they’re wearing the necklace (like after he takes their shirt off) and makes a comment about it/how they always wear it.

Honestly, I don’t know if the suggestions underneath will make much of a difference or if they will have an impact on the narrative at all but I’ll write them in case it’s something you would want to add.

Summary


It’s a small part but maybe Gabriel is the one who grabs MC by the wrist instead of Mouse.


Another small part but MC could rush over to help support Gabriel and Raquel could shoo them away or accept their help.

As a side idea: if my memory serves me correctly, Gabriel owns a motorcycle, right? What if, as a “date” idea, he could take MC for a ride at night.


One last thing (I swear I’m done after this) it may be because it’s currently 3:00am and I’m a little delirious but I can’t stop laughing at the image of MC answering the door while still in a towel with dripping wet hair, and Gabriel sees them and get all flustered while trying not to stare. Flustered Gabriel is Best Boi.

8 Likes

#3929

Thank you! I hope to complete it soon! :sweat_smile:

I’m always looking for ideas. I’m currently working on Rook’s third and final hangout, which subsequently includes his first romance scene, but I will also be enhancing the other romances, including Gabriel, to set them all at equal standards.

I’ll be going through the suggestions in a bit as I’m currently a bit occupied with work. But thank you for letting me know! This helps a great deal when it comes to writing!

6 Likes