BREACH - Crime Thriller WIP (Update #38 16-March-2019) (800k~ Word)

comedy
young-adult-fiction
nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice

#3246

That’s accurate to me alright


#3247

Horrible you, horrible lol

So, Dopeness (@MichaelMaxwell) changed a few things…
Hayne’s first name is Lyndell and her sister is called Leena Hayne.

First one yeah, kinda. Second one can be your neighbor…


To those from the meme country I saw above, @guardsman000071 and @SenorBurrito.
…Give me better memes…


I also finished writing the promotional fanfiction thing of Breach up to chapter 2.
The character file is almost 10K words.


#3248

Ahh ok mate


#3249

Hey. I said subpar memes.


#3250

Glad to see an update, haven’t yet managed to play most of the new content for reasons that will become readily apparent later…

When (and how) did Bishop win his Victoria Cross? Based on my perception of his age I guess he got it in former Yugoslavia or in Sierra Leone? Also, is there any particular reason why it’s a VC (the highest British decoration for valour) and not, say, a Conspicuous Gallantry Cross or a Military Cross? It’s just that the VC is a famously rare decoration, and that there have only been 5 since the 1970s. Due to the VC’s rarity I’d expect it to confer on him more visibility e.g. more pictures in the papers etc.

Just a nitpick, really. One potential problem with involving decorations for fictional characters (especially rare ones) is that there can be a tendency to give them the best without justification which can make it look like they’re over-decorated e.g. Soap in the Modern Warfare series apparently has a VC, a CGC and a DSO despite being 30. But if that’s the only valour decoration he has and there’s a suitably badass citation for it, that’s fair.

Also, just curious, but what’s with the fictional names for the vehicles in the prologue i.e. Bagassi Felon (Bugatti Veyron analogue) and F-52 Lynx (F-35? F-22?)? I understand it might be a licensing issue, but it seems somewhat peculiar since most if not all of the weapons have their correct names (though I do appreciate all the effort with the vehicles in GGG having serial number-filed off names now). Not sure what the COG/HG policy is on all of this, since Unnatural has IRL-named weapons e.g. Browning Hi-Power.

Also, thinking about it, rather curious choice of words with Charlie being described as a British Schumacher considering this year’s F1 champion. Granted Breach is set in 2016, but Hamilton already had 3 titles by then. Then again, Brits don’t really seem to have particular affection for Schumacher (allegations of being dirty and a cheat). Then again Gabriel probably doesn’t watch F1 and Schumacher’s the most well-known driver (then again Schumacher had been in his coma at this point…).

Anyway, enough ranting. Here are a few typos and punctuation errors for the prologue, chapter 1 and bits of chapter 2:

Prologue

Tense shifts a bit in the prologue, between present and past in the same paragraph (so not just in flashbacks/scene changes).

Welcome to a city filled with crime, opportunity, and the best pizzas… Also known as Manhattan, New York city, New York.

New York City.

All you needed to know when you were called for the job was that it’s a quick and simple can opener… A safe robbery

Since it’s lingo, shouldn’t “can opener” be in quotation marks or italics?

Sometimes “(the) Fourth of July” doesn’t have the word “Fourth” capitalised. I understand it usually is when referred to?

Missing punctuation:

"When the store starts to close and the cashier leaves the register" your boss adds

Comma, full stop: “When the store starts to close and the cashier leaves the register,” your boss adds.

"Oh right. I almost forgot, it’s your birthday present." your boss says as he hands Smiley a pistol, his 9mm Beretta M9. “Happy birthday”

Comma, full stop: “Oh right. I almost forgot, it’s your birthday present,” your boss says as he hands Smiley a pistol, his 9mm Beretta M9. “Happy birthday”.

"Alright! Wow, I thought you’d forget. Thanks" Smiley says

Comma, full stop: “Alright! Wow, I thought you’d forget. Thanks,” Smiley says.

Smiley, the man behind him defensively retorts

Missing full stop

“Hey boss, I think this is it.” you and your partner start to see the figure of the cashier move, this is it.

Should probably specify that “your partner” is the not-annoying one, or pluralise it to “partners”, but a nitpick.

you pull on the trigger and the blade spins fast and loud at it’s maximum speed of five thousand rotations per minute

You pull on the trigger… its maximum speed of…

gnawing on the safes door

safe’s door

you’re grateful that you’re wearing earplugs under that ski mask which makes it’s horribly screeching buzz as silent as a fly buzzing around.

You’re grateful… its horribly screeching buzz

signals that the one of the bolt is free, hammer time

one of the bolts

The safe in front of you, the one you pried open with the crowbar. is now wide open, and the insides are yours for the taking.

Full stop instead of comma: …the one you pried open with the crowbar, is now wide open, and the…

"Alright, get to the car, we’re outta here"

we’re outta here!

You walk past him and follow shotty out.

Capitalisation of Shotty

You hear behind you, Smiley shouting “Anyone who tries to follow us gets a 9mm to the brain!” before he follows you out as you follow Shotty to the getaway car.

Seems clunky. How about:

From behind, Smiley shouts, “Anyone who tries to follow us gets a 9mm to the brain!” before he follows you out…

You open the back door, throw the money in, and sat down yourself. Your boss revs up the engine and drives the car out into the streets.

and sit yourself down.

Also I think “revv(s)” is the correct spelling, with two “v”s?

He looks around to you and Shotty before saying “How the hell did you two managed to keep your head intact in there?” followed by a proud chuckle.

“How the hell did you two manage to keep your heads intact in there?”, followed by a proud chuckle.

"I’m just surprised Shotty didn’t accidentally shoot anyone back there" says Smiley.

Comma missing

"Hey Chains. You did good, kid. You did good. I’m glad Mouse picked the right ones for my crew"

Full stop missing at end

He looks over his shoulder

Comma missing at end

You’ve actually survived your first big job

Full stop/punctuation missing at end

Go on now. I need to take care of the car.", waving you away.

Extra full stop

duffel bag filled with money on the right hand

in your right hand

You’ve survived your first big job, Your first reputable story to tell.

Capitalisation

knowing you just made a LOT of money today, and this, is just a small piece of the true criminal life.

Extra comma: Money today, and this is just a small piece

“I may or may not be." She smirks, laying on the couch, feet thrown in the air.

Probably should have been “I may or may not have been,” she smirks…

“How long were you waiting?" you ask as you zip open the duffel bag, Lo and behold, $8,500.

The lo and behold bit just seems clunky

"Thanks for not dying." she says, walking over to hug you for a few seconds before walking past you to the kitchen

Thanks for not dying,” she says… before walking past you into the kitchen.

Chapter 1

Then you started your part of the plan, you whip out the saw, and started cutting.

You whipped out the saw

Archetype choice:

To help bring justice where the police can’t, to rob people who deserves to be robbed.

Who deserve to be robbed

Whoever owns this must be either rich or a local mobsters.

Or a local mobster.

pulls out the things you’ve just bought and scan them on the table

scans them on the table

Considering the fact that it’s only been 3 months, and he’s already been robbed 5 times. You wonder if he’s actually losing it.

Robbed 5 times, you wonder…

You let the man go, and he stays there standing, hands still in the air, shimmering.

Shivering?

You park the car on the curb, forced the engine to die, then walk up to the front door.

Force the engine to die

the woman speaks up “All of that is enough to put you in jail for a long time, we could charge you with being a part of conspiracy alongside the Archangel case, and that alone a long time in jail for you.”

I think it should be (I think Megan’s implying that the MC could be charged for conspiracy with the Archangels?):

The woman speaks up, “All of that is enough to put you in jail for a long time. We could charge you for conspiracy with the Archangels, and that alone is a long time in jail for you.”

The man cuts her off "I could go on,

Comma: The man cuts her off, “I could go on,

The woman explains "That footage

Comma: The woman explains, “That footage

the man leans forward with a smirk

Capitalisation: The man

the woman walks up to him and says "We found the gun on you, how did Timothy’s revolver ended up in your pants?"

The woman walks up to him and says, “We found the gun on you, how did Timothy’s revolver end up in your pants?”

We also found out that the marks made on the safe, are the made by your uniquely modified saw. Also, though some of it was burned off, we found your hand print on that saw." his partner continues

We also found out the marks made on the safe are ones made by your uniquely-modified saw. Though some of it was burned off, we also found your handprint on that saw,” his partner continues.

Because you haven’t said a single word since we brought you here, and it rather annoys me." the man says.

Full stop instead of comma

enough evidence to put you to court anyways." he says

Ditto

"1 down, 6 to go." she says as she walks out the door

Ditto

He walks in and the cop uncuffs him as He sits back down.

Extra capitalisation: As he sits back down.

You look away as he sighs and says "Come on, it’s protocol.

Missing comma: and says, “come on,

They’ve even gone as far as to give you an accomplice to help you escape… you begin to wonder about who these “friends” are .

Extra space before the full stop

"Going up" you whisper

Missing comma: “Going up,” you whisper.

"Someone’s picking us up, let’s go"

Missing full stop at end: …let’s go.”

The label starting: But then from around the corner, a black SUV skids around the corner and starts driving towards you. Is full of sentences which don’t end in a full stop.

Sariel notices you fiddling with it and says “Oh! Right, let me take that for you…” She holds your head still and plucks the device out of your ear. She rolls down the window and throws it out.

I assume it’s meant to be Uriel not Sariel here?

She says, tapping your leg as if to calm you down

Missing full stop at the end

Then, you hear a door open from behind you. Beside the garage door you came in, two people walk into the room…

This bit where Gabriel gets introduced seems a bit clunky, how about:

Then, you hear a door open from behind you. Beside the garage door you came in, two people walk into the room. One of them wears a white hockey mask with a red smiley face and a fancy three-piece black suit and blue tie. The other, unmasked, you immediately recognise: Kaidan Joy!

Garage eating scene has quite a few lines missing full stops.

quite dangerous nowadays" Gabriel says as he stands up from his seat

Missing comma: nowadays,” Gabriel says as he

side and smiles innocently "how else am I supposed to make money enough to pay for the flat?"

Missing comma: smiles innocently. “How else…

"Huh? Oh right… I’ll be right with you" Gabriel says

Missing comma: “I’ll be right with you,” Gabriel says

"Yeah, thanks for not dying" she nudges your shoulder.

Missing comma: for not dying.”

The woman says with a thick french-belgian accent.

Capitalisation: French-Belgian accent.

then to the ID again, then back to you, before handing them back to you and Mouse "Alright, what floor

Missing full stop: you and Mouse. "Alright, what floor

we should get settled down first" Mouse says

Missing comma: settled down first,” Mouse says

You immediately recognize the revolver , it’s yours!

Extra space between revolver and comma

"I need you to draw me the pattern and specify the colours… two colour.s”

Full stop before the s: two colours.”

“Oh, you’ll love him - solid guy. He appreciates my, services.”

Extra comma: He appreciates my services.”

people are already pointing their assault rifles, submachine guns and pistol at it

pistols

He carries with him a shotgun. the Benelli M4.

a shotgun, a Benelli M4.

about a dozen gunshot from Gabriel as he jumps out of cover flanking the enemy, taking out nearly everyone at the other side of the room.

Clunky? How about something like:
About a dozen gunshots ring out from Gabriel’s direction as he jumps out…

Scene where the guys toast the MC and Mouse has a bunch of missing full stops

When talking to Hayne for the first time:

Her smile turns into cocky smirk

Smile turns into a cocky smirk.

“Are we done here?” she asks you

Missing full stop at the end

When talking to Charlie and Anna, one of the questions is::

“What do you two have that Justin and Carly doesn’t”

Justin and Carly don’t?

“So! Monsieur Gabriel told me I could trust you…” Ah… that’s it. She’s Belgian “And so I trust you with my information… My name Carline Giuseppe Serra… please call me Carly”

Missing full stop: She’s Belgian.

Also, Giuseppe’s a male name? And an Italian one at that?

"The one in the loop!

The Loop seems like it should be capitalised, but isn’t always, and sometimes is referred to as “the loops”.

Chapter 2, Pt 1

At daytime, you’re gonna have to deal with the crowd, the cop’s response time, and the vault itself. But the vault will be easier to open since the bank is in it’s opening hours"

the cops’ response time… the bank is in its opening hours.”

she shows you a picture of the bank’s employees "All you have to do is find out who knows the combination, and threaten them to open the vault"

Punctuation/Grammar: she shows you a picture of the bank’s employees. “All… and threaten them to open the vault.”

Bug: if you bulk-buy 10 zipties from GGG, you can still bulk-buy 1, 3, or 5 zipties to get up to 15.

Doing Velvet Cuts during the day, planning regards to tying up the guards:

[Ramiel] subdue and tie up the three security guards

[Ramiel] will subdue and

We’re here for the jewelries

Inconsistent use of the British and American spellings of jewellery. Jewellery is used most often, but in the above line, the rarely-used plural of the American spelling is used.

And sure enough, mouse

Capitalisation of “Mouse”. Mouse is also inconsistently referred to as “The Mouse” as well in chapter 1 and 2 most notably iirc.

She turns to the hard drives and begin carelessly pulling them out of their socket shouting out “Silent alarm should be out!”

Begins… out of their sockets
Also, clunky. Perhaps:

She turns to the hard drives and begins carelessly pulling them out of their sockets. She shouts back, “the silent alarm should be out!”

silent alarms offline

silent alarm’s offline


#3251

Bishop, being the only person in the game to have finished their military service with such a high prestige of a medal, have had numerous awards in both the RAF and the Royal Marines. He won his first Medal during the gulf war as an infantryman (When he was still 18) He then won another medal in the Bosnian Civil War as a pilot in the RAF, once again in Kosovo, before he was horribly injured in a plane crash in Sierra Leone. He then got back into action in the war in Afghanistan, where he continued to win more achievements, including his first Conspicuous Gallantry Cross.

He went on to the Libyan War, and then finally, in Operation Shader, where he finally got his Victoria Cross after surviving a plane crash from being shot down, went finding his way back to a French FOB that was under attack, he rushed in and helped as best he could where he eventually drove away the enemy forces with only 2 French soldiers by his side. He then proceeded to do first aid on the wounded French soldiers as a USMC helicopter arrives to pick him up and provide support.

At the time, Bishop was 42 years old.

… Boy that was long.

Bishop is the only person in the game to have won a medal with such high prestige. Mostly because he actually stayed in his military service throughout it’s service’s lifespan. The second highest anyone else have gotten would be Gabriel with his Star of Courage.

This is because I wanted to see the difference between using real brand names, and using parodical names. The weapons have their manufacturing company written down mostly because I wanted to specify what kind of weapon it is. The cars on the other hand, they’re just there because I wanted to see how COG would react to both situations.

Though this is true, I’ve literally used other names to describe Charlie, and the name that got the most recognition is Schumacher, and Jim Clark (Who is actually British). I stuck with Schumacher mostly because it had the highest recognition.

Oh good lord… Yeah, I’ll need some time to fix all of these…


#3252

Thanks for the reply, a very verbose one coming in:

On Bishop's Military Career

I’m not too sure about Bishop being a fighter pilot then transferring to the Royal Navy to become a ground pounder. So he went from RAF Regiment to a fighter squadron (presumably Jaguars or Tornados) then to the Royal Marines as a ground pounder? Three changes in role? It’s probably not impossible, but in-universe I doubt the RAF brass would be happy at losing a pilot to become a “mere” ground-pounder.

Personally, I think that so many shifts in branch is stretching disbelief along with the number of decorations. If he got that many decorations and was a ground pounder for his entire career I think that would be fine. But getting both the “glamorous” jobs of being a pilot and a Royal Marine (oh and he’s also a sniper) and getting a ton of decorations including the highest available (and nobody’s ever won a VC and a CGC before afaik) seems awfully contrived.

It may just be my personal bias coming in, since I prefer characters who aren’t festooned with past accomplishments and/or have them shrouded in vagueness and intangibility. I understand most of this will probably be only tangentially referenced in the game if at all, but Bishop’s actions in-game are far more impressive than anything that he could have done in the past (to be brutally honest, because he managed to significantly hurt Gabriel, who was grating on my nerves in that he still managed to do so much despite being shot and trespassing on Mary Sue/Creator’s Pet territory).

Come to think of it, the other guys are more interesting since you don’t know what they’re capable of (due to being new to the business) compared to the senior Archangels since there is at the very least an inkling of what they’re capable of.

Either way, they’re your characters and this is probably a lot of hot air about something not so significant. Something I find a bit more significant is Gabriel’s primacy in the plot:

On Gabriel and interactions with the MC

Gabriel, in my opinion, is basically a deuteragonist, if not a full-blown protagonist viewed from the lens of his crusade against the Outfit. This isn’t inherently a problem (though I have mentioned how he takes away attention from the MC’s crew in the past), but one thing I have recently noticed is how the MC doesn’t really have the option to antagonise him and appears to be largely written to like him. Gabriel having a liking for the MC is fine, as is a tendency for the MC to like certain characters, but only in the lens of it being just as easy to be neutral or outright antagonistic to them in return.

Sure in the detective route Gabriel is more sympathetic towards the MC, and in turn may receive more sympathy from the player, but considering his importance in the plot and the number of interactions with him the ability to antagonise him seems to be missing.

I ran a count on *set relGabe + and *set relGabe - in the code, and by my count there are 99 instances where relGabe goes up (largest being +5) and the 17 hits for where it goes down (smallest being -5, which is once and only because you confessed to the FBI in C1. Hell, there isn’t even a relationship penalty if you shoot at him and actually wound him.. This discrepancy in being able to affect the MC’s relationship negatively is less prevalent for other characters since they don’t play as much of a role in the plot.

While the MC may be predisposed to liking Gabriel (his charisma and him offering the MC a significant place in the organisation), there is also reason to be antagonistic to him (though it would be dangerous to be too antagonistic). The MC has an obsession of sorts with Gabriel’s mask, asking everyone about who he is and trying to sneak a look under the mask, that could easily turn to distrust/paranoia. Furthermore, Gabriel gave the MC an offer they couldn’t refuse, so there’s resentment there. Opposition to Gabriel’s crusade/thinking etc is another route - a vigilante trying to reign him in, a hardened criminal who thinks that Gabriel’s wasting time prevaricating between being “nice” and being brutal, a detective who wants to make Gabriel make mistakes etc. Finally, there is always envy.

The detective ending appears to draw towards a confrontation with Gabriel, and while it would be more of a tragedy if they were on decent terms, if the option is there to take him down for good (or at least try to), the groundwork for it I think should be laid ahead while the MC is still with the Archangels.

Ranting aside (and I hope that wasn’t too critical and/or longwinded), on the matter of trademarks, I reckon some of the gun names are safe enough as military designations (M4A1, “Combloc” guns etc) and some of them have military designations that are less familiar (e.g. AUGA3 = F88A3/Austeyr, FNC = Ak 5). Be a bit stumped over how you’d figure out a parody name for the CZ-805, though. Ironically despite my past sentiments images would actually help in such an eventuality.

Fair enough with the Schumacher bit. It’s just that with Charlie’s youth and aggression he seemed like a “young champion” like Clark and Hamilton, but Schumacher’s probably the best option.

Some more typos/comments:

Avelyne Hangout I

"Yeah, alright! I’ll go get changed first" she says

Missing comma: first," she says

You and Mouse walk in, and even at daytime

I believe “even during daytime” or “even in the daytime” is a more common phrase?

Mouse shrugs, and thinks for a moment "How bout the arcade?"

Missing punctuation: and thinks for a moment. “How ‘bout the arcade?”

Immediately, the first thing Mouse walks over to, is a shooting game.

Extra comma: the first thing Mouse walks over to is a shooting game.

You glance at your surrounding, and a couple of people has stopped to watch you and Mouse obliterate the level like it’s nothing.

You glance at your surroundings and see that a couple of people have stopped to watch you and Mouse obliterate the level like it’s nothing.

Mouse looks to you and says “That was a warm up…” with a smirk. “You pick…” she says. “… Let’s not pick the one we just did. Too easy

A bit clunky. How about: Mouse looks to you, “That was a warm up…” she smirks. “You pick… but let’s not pick the one we just did. Too easy!”

It seems that they’re all over you and Mouse "We’re surrounded!" You say

Missing full stops: It seems that they’re all over you and Mouse. “We’re surrounded!” you say.

Amazingly, you and Mouse manage to kill off the entire enemy working together. The level ends. She gasps, as does everyone around you, and she cheers "Hell yeah! That was awesome!"

Amazingly, you and Mouse manage to kill off the entire enemy [force] working together… she cheers, “Hell yeah! That was awesome!”

And then, you see a new mission on the screen, this time, it says "Nightmare"

Missing full stop at the end

While the cutscene plays, a young man walks up to you and taps you on your shoulder "Good luck! I got $10 on you!"

Missing punctuation: and taps you on your shoulder. “Good luck! I…”

Mouse takes cover as you fire your grenade launcher at the huge mech boss… didn’t even dented his health bar. He throws a single missile at you, and you take cover.

… fire your grenade launcher at the huge mech boss. You didn’t even manage to make a dent on his health bar. He fires a single missile at you, and you take cover.

You can win this! … Or you can let Mouse wins…

Or let Mouse win…

You let the mech boss fire it’s missile at you, killing your character.

fire its missile

you can see The one you heard had a bet on you looks to you and shakes his head, before walking away.

You can see the guy who had a bet on you look at you and shake his head, before walking away.

If you do something wrong it won’t be your fault…" You say to her

Missing full stop at the end

“You’re welcome" You say

Ditto

The two of you spend the remaining hour talking about a few stuff while sipping away your drinks.

at your drinks

Hayne Hangout I

You call Hayne, and she picks up "Hello?

Missing punctuation: and she picks up. “Hello?

“It’s me…" You simply say

Missing full stop at the end

You hang up and get ready

Ditto

She looks as if she’s in her natural habitats,

In her natural habitat

She hands you a loaded pistol "Try this out. FN FNX, .45 ACP"

Missing punctuation: She hands you a loaded pistol. “Try this out. FN FNX, .45 ACP.”

She waits for you to fire

Missing full stop at the end

Concerning the MP5K, it might be less clunky if it’s explained why it’s familiar. The player not only runs into Charlie (with his MP5K), but also I believe Tracy has one (also I think there’s a continuity error where she switches between an MP5K and an MP5A2, but haven’t checked). Does the MP5K have a characteristic paint job, scratches etc?

"I don’t talk much, and they pay me good, so I keep my mouth shut"

Missing full stop. Also perhaps “pay me well” instead of “pay me good”?

“Well you are beautiful" you smirk

Missing comma: “Well you are beautiful,” you smirk

“You got some nice ones too…" She winks

Missing full stop at the end; she winks

“What do you think about them?” you ask

Ditto

“Has anyone ever seen their faces?” you ask

Ditto

“As far as I know, they could be the chief director of the FBI, the president of the United States, and the queen of england… I don’t have a single clue what their names are, but Gabriel, Michael, and Raquel is good enough for me…”

Director of the FBI, the President of the United States, and the Queen of England [sic]…are good enough for me…"

“How could you work for someone and not know who they are?” You curiously ask

Missing full stop at the end

She firmly makes her point

Ditto

She curiously asks "I shoot people better than everyone in the whole crew except Gabriel…" She smirks

She curiously asks. “I shoot people better than anyone… except Gabriel,” she smirks.

"Gabriel is probably the deadliest member of the Archangels" She chuckles.

Missing comma: Archangels,” she chuckles.

“Heh, shitty and cold… that’s my life before, and after joining them”

Missing full stop at the end

“I was just curious” you shrug

Ditto

But he’s dead and I spat on his corpse, literally… let’s leave it at that"

Ditto

I just don’t wanna talk about it… I’m sorry"

Ditto

to know the answer to…" she says, chuckling
Ditto

Hayne stops at one of the display at the front of Greg’s store.

Hayne stops at one of the displays at the front

It looks like a regular AR-15 rifle, with a dark green pain on the handguard, grip, buttstock, and scope. It’s beautiful looking, and pristine.

It looks like a regular AR-15-type rifle, with dark green paint on the handguard, grip, buttstock and scope. It’s pristine and beautiful.

"That’s an understatement" Hayne chuckles

Missing comma: understatement,” Hayne chuckles

"This rifle was special made for one of our customers. Unfortunately, he passed away before we could finish the rifle" Tracy says as she opens up the display case from behind

“This rifle was especially made for… could finish the rifle,” Tracy says

"Yup. It’s a full-auto, chambered in 5.56x45mm, comes with it’s own suppressor, a C79 ELCAN scope, hair trigger, and custom made stock and handguard engravings" Tracy says.

It’s full auto, chambered in 5.56x45mm. It comes with its own suppressor, a C79 ELCAN scope and has a hair trigger. [As you can see], it has a custom engraved stock and handguard,” Tracy says.

"Sorry the but the price tags aren’t negotiable" Tracy says,

Missing comma: aren’t negotiable,” Tracy says

Hayne shuffles her hair and says “I’ll, um, come back when I have some money” She says.

Extra “says” before and after speech.

“I’ll pay for it”

Missing full stop at end of line

price tag and the item’s yours" Tracy

Missing comma: item’s yours, Tracy

She looks up to you and says "T-Thank you. I don’t deserve this"

Missing punctuation: She looks up to you and says, “T-Thank you. I don’t deserve this.”

“Thank you so much, this means a whole lot to me" She says.

Missing comma: this means a whole lot to me,” she says.

You and Hayne finish up and make your way out of the shop**,**

Comma in lieu of full stop at the end


#3253

Though I still do my research when it comes to how realistic some of my characters are, I sometimes have to step back and realize that some of these people are assassins whose job went from international killers to local criminal. Yes, there is much story to be revealed, and no, I’m not revealing everything in this one single game.

Though yes, Bishop changing from being on the ground and then going into the air before going back again onto the grounds again, and then back up into the air is quite unrealistic, but I needed it to be this sort of way for his personal story. Though I may have blown him out of proportion when I said that I wanted him to be in stark contrast against Rook, who has no medal, no military honours whatsoever, and has not even been in the military one third as long as Bishop did.

I do plan to change bits and pieces of everyone’s story since “whatever’s not mentioned in the game is not canon”. And even then, I still sometimes retcon stuff that’s already been mentioned in the game, so yes, room for improvements is virtually always available.

Also, the main reason this game has a forum, is for people like you to point out my flaws and help build the game into something better, which I value, very much so!

Bishop is an incredibly underrated character in the game when in comes to me, Ben, and @Fonex’s … um… “developmental” talks. He can match Gabriel in both mental and physical sense, and with enough time and training, he can take down Gabriel in a 1v1 no weapons fight. He has the most military experience out of everyone in the game, and the only reason we don’t do much with him in this game is because Rook (at least in this game) somewhat overshadows him and his personality fits more to this game’s theme of criminals and law enforcements.

But don’t worry… I have much to write for the two of them. And I have much more stories to tell…

I do recognize this as a problem even before you’ve stated this and I am trying to figure out how it is his character is going to work. Because when you take a step back from the game itself you can see that everything is centered around two things, Gabriel, and The Archangels. (Three, including the Outfit if you’re counting background stuff)

I sort of realized halfway into making this game that Gabriel is a Mary Sue character who’s good at everything and knows everyone and knows how to go through every situation and all that. So quite recently I’ve been trying to tone down his appearance and importance but upon doing so, I realized that I’d also be changing the game’s story a bit. So I’m currently trying to figure out how to simmer down Gabriel without breaking any major continuity.

… Or if I’m too tired, I can always just change the continuity.

I do, however high it seems, have set limits for each and every character, and plan to show to everyone their limits, if not in this game, in later stories. Gabriel is not immune to this. He has a limit, and has been hinted at more than a few times.

And now for his relationship. This game is not finished, and though the relGabe commands are there mostly for future references purposes. I admit, I have been constantly ignoring the fact that there’s an “FBI” and “Citizen” Reputation and though I did plan on using them, I also seem to be ignoring the relationship system. I do plan on revising the game and fixing and adding more relationship buffs and penalties, most likely after I’m finish with Chapter 4.

The fact that Gabriel is naturally a good person really bugs me, and though I do somewhat consider him to be a creator’s pet, we do have fun in trying out different ways to make people dislike/hate him (Ben especially). We are currently working on it and we do plan on writing a lot more stuff to come for the Detective path where you can truly antagonise him, and possibly even kill him… somewhat…

We’re still not sure how we’re going to go about that because we do need Gabriel to be the “main” person of interest. And him dying would basically scrap almost every future game story we have…

Perhaps it’s time for me and Ben to think of… other characters, as our main focus.

I do have replacement names for every brand named items in the shop, so if COG comes knocking, I’ll simply start switching them out… Boy I just realized how big of a weapons collection I have in this game…

I would’ve loved to go with Jim Clark, but apparently, not many outside of the UK, France and Canada know who that is…

By all means, throw them at me! Any criticism counts!

Ooh boy… I need my tea for this, I’ll take care of these later.


#3254

I think I do like Bishop the most because he’s quiet and has a relatively minor presence, which will tie into the main bulk of this reply. But I’ll leave the matter of his career behind for now.

I do dislike Gabriel, but because I find him a Mary Sue (which exacerbates with each subsequent reading), and that’s probably not what you’re looking for in terms of a player reaction to him.

I think part of the problem with Gabriel is that, in my perception, Gabriel being good at stuff and people being indebted to him is repeated again and again. The “Mary-Sueness” is exacerbated by it being in the player’s face constantly. Kaidan and the MC are written to have a rapport of sorts, but since Kaidan and the MC don’t really interact much on-screen he’s fine.

I can’t really recall of anyone really saying a bad word about Gabriel; even those are probably couched in some form of compliment (c.f. Michael v Gabriel v MC Mexican standoff). I think dissenting opinions would be somewhere to start, since there really aren’t any. For instance, Anna could have second thoughts (especially if Charlie is in the team) and blame Gabriel, who brought her and her brother into the business, when stuff gets tough. Kaz might start to question Gabriel’s methods or nurse wounded pride etc.

Part of the problem is that everyone in the MC’s potential crew is in some way indebted to Gabriel and were previously up shit creek without a paddle until Gabriel shows up (shows who’s the boss) and swoops them into the Archangels (like the MC). Granted that might be his modus operandi for getting loyal subordinates (that could be something to use to weaken his image), but it gets tiring. Washed out cop? Okay. MMA Champion in a new country? Alright…Two siblings in a new country? Ehh, I’ll accept. “Detroit’s anonymous hacker”? Lost Belgian heiress? Is there anyone he hasn’t got wrapped around his little finger?

This I think is compounded by the fact that he is an almost-unending presence, even when the game starts to open up (e.g. “Gabriel taught me this”, “go call Gabriel” etc). I think this is partly due to how the leading members of the Archangels are Raquel, Gabriel and Michael. The former is vicious, and the latter is an arse, so he is probably the most amenable of the MC’s superiors which exacerbates influencing liking him compared to the other two.

One possibility could be to drop Gabriel from the heists/minimise his presence further (and limit his leadership role) and just have Mouse as mission control; that could give more room for development of the crew or Mouse as a subordinate character to the MC.

As an unlikely option (due to the amount of work that would need to be done), could be shoving in a “mini story mission” (longer than a selectable heist, shorter than a story mission) between The Tower and Chapter 4. This would focus on the Crew, Mouse and potentially Kaidan (without the major Archangel players showing up) and would be a breather from Gabriel. Personally, I found the jump between the VAM Tower to C4 a bit too quick in-universe time, but I acknowledge that such a mission would add to workload and disrupt the current pacing. It would also give the detective MC more time with their crew?

I do recognise that Gabriel does make mistakes and show his flaws in some cases, notably at the VAMTower. The problem is, he still manages to perform just as well as he does while pumped full of bullet holes and has enough time to wax philosophical while bleeding out and to admit that he doesn’t fear death. If in the elevator the MC had an opportunity to meet eyes with Kaidan and imply that Gabriel’s off his rocker for refusing medical treatment and potentially slowing the team down, that would be an improvement of some sort since Gabriel seems to waltz around with an aura of awe that people rarely put a word up against him. I suppose Gabriel absolutely, abjectly, failing at something without any excuse for it (and putting the Archangels in a really sore spot) would deflate Mary Sue accusations, but that might not be easy to put in.

I suppose you could have Gabriel get consumed by his drive to accomplish his goals that he alienates everyone or forces the MC to choose between him and LO/Crew/morality both in Archangel-loyalist and anti-Gabriel routes. However, that would be later in the game, and the foundations for the Mary Sueness start much earlier in the game.


#3255

Goth Mouse and MC for the thing I mentioned.
It’s really fun to write.

I doubt anyone here recognize them. Camera couldn’t focus… I’ll find time to turn them digital.


@MichaelMaxwell since you might forget, you should remind here on when do you plan to update the game for the next update. Since chapter 4 would be taken down.


#3256

“Yay.” And that was the only word Bishop uttered before he disappeared into the darkness. He was wearing his fancy suit with his facial hair shaved clean. His hair were also very tidy.
Why? The busy businessman was on his way to Europe. Something something, and something investment. Something something stock. It’s hard to tell if it was just the usual Bishop we know, or that he was lazy. Perhaps both.

…He did said something like “The more risk we take, the more profit we will gain. Bet nothing and get nothing.”

What was that about?


Ok let’s call Gabby “Mary Sue” from now on. Ok. Mary Sue. He won’t mind.


#3257

On the cheater mode It says 10 million cash instead of 1 million…


#3258

The save doesn’t work…


#3259

Do you still have the same problem?


#3260


#3261

Cool. Have fun with that 10 millions!


#3262

Yeah that sounds good to me.


#3263

Well, hello! Sorry I haven’t been online for quite some time, personal life and all, but I’ve been doing some actual work! Adding a new cheat system, revising the entire third chapter, and adding in some really important relationship advances that I now realized are very crucial as to what could happen in Chapter 4.

But not only that, being a bad person actually has some effect now! … Though only in your relationship with Michael.

It wasn’t easy… but I did it…

Gabriel can now be defeated by Rook and Bishop in chapter 3, he is also somewhat more human about his wounds (Because the lad hasn’t got unlimited blood), whilst still being Gabriel. He’s been nerfed so hard I feel a bit sorry for him…

But such is life!

His conversion to becoming human isn’t exactly done yet since I’ve only revised the third chapter. So if you’ve found some mary-sue-esque scenes with Gabriel in earlier or later chapters please let me know!

Oh right. I’ve been a bit behind schedule with that, so the next update (coming very soon) will still contain chapter 4, but most likely, next month will be the start of Phase 4’s private testing.

Bishop isn’t lazy, he’s just reluctant to show off his skills… :laughing:

I’ve decided to delete the cheater difficulty in favor for the “Testing Cheats Mode” that you can unlock and use at the start of each chapter starting from chapter 1.

All of the above will be in the next update, which is coming pretty soon! So keep an eye out!


#3264

Becoming… Human… especially that confronting Don scene in chapter 4. Gabriel scene cringed me knowing his origins. You should go online. And chat me about the changes you made especially that one with Michael. Have you done something about writing some characters that it seemed like they told you to write what they said?

“It’s hard for the readers to tell”.

“Reluctant”, in other words “unwilling”, “not eager”, “disinclined to be involved”
may be perceived as laziness by some people.

Remember to remind people about it. Perhaps 2 or 3 weeks before the next update.

What an honor!

Uh. Maybe just Bishop, Rook (and his special other).
Or Bishop, Rook and Friends.
Bishop-Rook- (Duo) + (MC name)…


#3265

Not gonna lie with you Boss… I really wanna ditch the archangels and join Rook & Bishops duo and become a T R I O (then again I guess those two are archangels but ya know. Whatever) but seriously though Idk why but I find those two very likable and just relatable in some way so I just wanna thank you for those two Bossman. In fact, I just wanna thank you overall for making this entire game amazing and granting us it’s characters and such. You are really inspiring people out here (such as myself) to make games such as this and make them as enjoyable as possible. Along with putting their own unique twist and flavor in their games and letting out their best effort.

P.S That whole 'Finding out Gabriels Identity is harder than expected due to some in real life things but I have found a lead and soon that lead shall show me the truth of Gabriel and B R E A K him.