BREACH - Crime Thriller WIP (UPDATE #37! 30-January-2019) (800k~ Word)

young-adult-fiction
comedy
nonbinary-inclusive
gender-choice

#3588

So, errors/nitpicks/observations.

Summary

Oh, I really want to insult Rook now, I’m too proud of that chess club joke. Unless it’s been made already.


Unnecessary comma after cartels.

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goes should be go, remove comma

Capitalize cartels.

Stuff should be things, or the sentence should be “I have some stuff I need you to do”

should should be shoulder

Here, mouse is referred to as female “Raquel stares at her”. Mouse in my game is a dude, seen here:


yeah, it’s strange.

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I’d remove the first instance of going.

I’d remove “of a”

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Pull should be pulls

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Unless mouse has multiple shirts in-hand, these should be this.

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So, will dates remain the same? Or will you update them to present-day/near future?

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Sofa should be sofas.

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How come I’ve never realized this? Do I lack basic detail perception? I mean, I knew about the whole joke where everyone called you Gabriel for a time. But wasn’t your profile pic purple once?

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Using morbidly seems out of place here. I’d use terribly, horribly, very, and other synonyms. Morbid means diseased (at least, form what I’ve learned in my medical class), or an “abnormal/unhealthy interest in death-related matters.” but hey, do whatever.

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I mean, this isn’t a big deal. But the term fella, indicative of male, followed by the “fella” being Sarah, confused me a bit. btw is this a Life is Strange reference? I’ve never played, but some of the characters sound familiar.

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Should be “she says angrily”

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I wouldn’t say she’s complaining it. Maybe recalling it? idk, complains seems like a strange choice of words.

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I’d add a comma after wait. but should it be there? hmmm. idk.

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Uniform should be uniforms

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Hop should be hops.

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Add period after relief?

So… about the elevators. At VAM Tower. The commercial elevator limit is 500 meters (Thanks for that insanely helpful factoid, physics class!), so why do we get onto a second elevator? Unless VAM tower has abnormal ceiling heights, causing it to be higher than 500 meters at 100 stories. I’m sorry man I’m just really focused on a construction test for my physics class. ignore this

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Colonel should be capitalized, iirc. Proper noun. unless it isnt…

And this does it for tonight.


#3589

Crack knuckles … Let’s go.

As for what I’ve written, I need it to stay the same.

Yes, once. But it’s mainly this colour.

But no, Gabriel’s mask is different than my smiley face.

“Morbidly worried sick” is something I’d say in real life. I don’t know if that’s wrong but no one’s said anything yet.

First off, I don’t know why I use the word “fella” to describe any person regardless of gender, so I may be using it wrong…

Yes and no. Caulfield is the name of the protagonist, but that’s where the similarities end.

I just liked the name.

As it’s been explained in the game… There are two different types of floors in the tower. The normal floors, and the high security floors. The normal security elevators cannot stop at High security floors, and the high security floors only start at the 80th floor.


#3590

So I’m from the American Midwest. Most around here (In the area I live in anyway) use it to indicate male individuals. It may be different elsewhere, though.


#3591

Quickly butting in here! I’ve never seen fella being used in reference to anyone but a male. And if I’m not mistaken, ‘dame’ would be the female equivalent? There’s the word ‘broad’ as well but that’s a bit old fashioned and a bit…yeah.


#3592

I concur!


#3593

So, fella is derived from fellow. Lo and behold, here is the definition of fellow:image


#3594

If i remember correctly, that’s pre-ww2/great depression-era slang. I’ve seen movies where mobsters use that terminology.


#3595

Not sure if I should be embarrassed to say that that’s exactly where I got it from! :sweat_smile:


#3596

No worries. I got this tidbit from listening to the triggermen from Fallout 4.


#3597

Oh, and for whatever reason, I can’t do anything to my glock…

idk why, though.


#3598

And so I’ve been using wrong my entire life :laughing:

As much as I loved Skinny Malone, the mobsters that you see in Breach are a bit more modern than those you’d see in the mafias of the early 1900s.

Hmm… Did you just recently buy your Glock?


#3599

Yeah, It was new. Sold the revolver I got from the church.

And, I’ve found myself in a permanent death-like state:

So, the other picture that I had didn’t save correctly (it’s corrupted somehow), but I ended up getting shot in the neck at like 5% health. Then I healed Gabriel after the heist with my last medkit. And then I got shot by Rook, and Bishop. This image is during the car chase to Michael’s parachute. Raquel and Mouse’s first aid did little. The next morning, through some divine miracle, I woke up.

I also noticed some strange bug with the damage system. I was shot in the neck, after rolling a 2 for a d20. I looked at my stats, 12.5% health. But upon re-entering the game, the roll displayed an 11 for the same d20 I rolled a 2 on, and instead of the neck, I was shot in the waist. To be clear, this is not the main roll where it says "Rolling d20 (x) + Accuracy (4)=(y). No, instead it was “(rolling d20, rolled 2) You are shot in the neck twice”

Here’s an example: haha I’m deleting these as they display my town name

I get that it looks suspicious, with there being a 20-second gap. Huh. Looking back I really need to update my firefox.


#3600

You’ll need to keep your weapon for a bit longer until you can name them.

Hmmm… Well, even if your blood does go down to 0, if there’s no other woundcheck script after that, you’re not going to pass out. I’ll be sure to check what else is wrong with it…

I think I may know what you’re talking about, and this is intentional.

When you go into the stat page and go back into the game, the dice re rolls every time the page reloads. I can easily fix this by adding a page_break after the role and before the result display to prevent cheating, but I’m intentionally leaving this feature in because it’s very useful when testing out roll results. :laughing:


#3601

Yeah, I had my fun with it when I first discovered it for myself. Some of the stats were wild. -17 Incognito, -8 Agility, -6 Strength… Before fighting Rook and Bishop… Or was it after? Either way, my character wasn’t supposed to survive the encounter.


#3602

Hmmm… those penalties seem very… disproportionate :sweat_smile:

I should probably tone those down a bit.


#3603

I personally didn’t suffer any (major) difficulties from it, except for failing that skill check where we fall out of the window… 20 times… Then fighting the chess club… And failing nearly every agility check (even with a perfect 20!). It became impossible to succeed in anything during that sequence, because no matter what I rolled, the roll requirement was a perfect 20.


#3604

Ive been away for so long that rook has a protection squad that consists of fans…


#3605

I never did collect on that favour Greg owes me. Sign me up!:writing_hand:

That’s understandable! As inseparable as they are, it would be teensy weird to have him there while Rook and MC are having a sweet little moment.

When you explain it like that mind = blown. They’re just such an odd pair but they’re strangely well-matched too! We need a Rook & Bishop buddy-cop (or criminal) movie asap.

I don’t care what anyone says from here on out I’m calling them Spiced Taco and Sweeto Burrito :laughing:

SOMEBODY SPARE THIS MAN HIS FEELINGS! Everything I say just makes it worse and as self-proclaimed President of the Rook Protection Squad that just ain’t right. I really need to stop getting behind the scenes info…it’s messing with my judgement.

Well I guess it’s time for Sweeto Burrito to lay down that sniper rifle and pick up that pen (or laptop) :wink:


#3606

hey glad to see you are still working on the game haven’t been back to this forum in close to a year or 2 didn’t realize how big it got


#3607

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Ha, I don’t think @MichaelMaxwell realized how big the game would become